"Yes, box 1. I see you noticed I gave it special attention. It's box 1 that will give you trouble, Chief." I looked at it. It said:
Educational Aids Company.
Delight your students even if they are children. Entertainment is the backbone of Enlightenment.
"That's just kiddie stuff!" sneered Lombar.
"Yes, I know, Chief. But I know your intense interest in not disturbing Earth fuels. And that particular kit is 'Elementary School Kit 13'. It's the complete set needed for laboratory bench-type lectures to atomically convert carbon up two atomic numbers to oxygen or carbon down five numbers to hydrogen. And, Chief, in a primitive fire society such as Blito-P3, hydrogen and oxygen are the primary fuels." Lombar was starting to swell up, glaring at the box as though it had called him names.
The scientist bumbled on. "On Earth they fire-ignite carbon and count on its consuming oxygen in the atmosphere. They dig up coal and drill for petroleum – that's the carbon from old fossils turned liquid – and they fire-ignite it to produce heat. ..."
"I know that!" snapped Lombar. "Get on with this educational kit!"
"Well, really it's just the kiddie kit that directly converts the carbon. You must have seen them in school. They have a little converter and balloons on either side of it. The teacher pours the carbon, in any form, into the top scoop and the converter whirs away. The current generated by the released atoms goes up to those two silver rods and they pop and snap with a nice big electrical display and the two balloons fill up . . . you must have seen it in nursery school."
"Yeah, yeah," said Lombar. I wondered if he had ever gotten through nursery school. Science wasn't his forte. But Lombar was thinking. "(Bleep) it, that thing could upset everything. Particularly one certain Earth person!"
"Precisely," said the scientist. "And I know you don't want to offend HIM!" Bam suddenly got into the conference. "So just let me fix it so when it's used it blows up, kills Heller and a bunch of kids. Elementary solution to the elementary school!" Lombar didn't laugh at the joke. He started to nod. Then he changed his mind. "No," he said thoughtfully. And then I saw the look of cunning creeping into his face, the cunning that made Lombar the genius that got him up to the top. "No," he said again. "Bam, can you fix that converter so it will run for eight or ten hours and then break down so thoroughly nothing can fix it? No blowup. Just work for a few hours and then cease to work without any visible explanation?"
"There's two of them in there," said the scientist.
Bam, the expert saboteur, got the machines out and began to look into one of them. "Ah, yeah," he said. "One element. With a tiny V-nick cut into its side, it will overload the adjacent elements. Every part would have to be replaced and there'd be nothing closer than Voltar where he could get the parts." He went over and checked the scientist's other box lists. "Yep, no such elements! This is easy, Chief. One tiny nick in each machine, they'll run about seven hours and then turn into fused metal."
"Do it," said Lombar, grinning his first grin that I had seen today. "Both machines. The amount of embarrassment that can cause will finish him. That is, of course, if he gets through a few other things planned, which is impossible. So do it." Prii had already been restoring the other cases so they did not look touched, inside or out. He is an artist at it. Bam went busily to work.
Lombar jabbed me. "Go on outside and stall Heller if he comes back too quick. Oh, yes, remember that I have a briefing for you just before your departure. So be sure to report to me." I hastily lifted a passageway plate and crawled out. Carrying my exterminator spray rod, I strolled nonchalantly back to the truck. I got inside and took off the disguising helmet and got out of the bilious yellow suit.
Unnoticed, I slipped out of the truck and wandered over to the office and hung around.
Suddenly I saw the contractor limousine had landed. Heller bounced out. Lombar was not out of the ship! Heller looked like he was going to race back over!
I stepped in front of him. "I've been waiting for you," I said.
He almost brushed me aside.
"What?" I said. "No completed jobs to be stamped?" Heller had a few but it didn't take me very long to stamp them. Lombar was still in the ship. What could be keeping them? Heller might go inside and see the open deckplate. I had forgotten to close it! He could stumble right into them! And Lombar would tear me to pieces!
"Think hard," I said quickly. "Isn't there anything you really want for the ship? You know, we have a vastly increased allocation. I was supposed to tell you," I lied in the hope of gaining time, "that you had to use some of it up. It won't look good on the books unspent." Fleet people evidently don't think that way. They have some weird idea of saving the government money and spending only on essentials. Dumb! If you don't spend an allocation, it lapses!
Heller was looking at me oddly. Then he said, "Well, we haven't ordered any flowers for the going away party."
"Oh, good," I said. "Make out an order for flowers." He looked at me very strangely. He seemed to be having trouble keeping his mouth straight. But he took out a sheaf of blank order forms, put them on a board that usually hangs on his belt, snapped a pen into his fingers and wrote a formal order for flowers. I added two or three types and a wreath and a good-luck-on-the-voyage necklace for the ship, the kind they put on ships carrying celebrities. Then that was all I could think of. I stamped it with my identoplate.
What in Hells was detaining Lombar?
"Now surely," I said, "there is something else we don't have." He washaving trouble with his mouth. Sore tooth? It kept quivering. "Well, we don't have any yellow, pink and purple bubblebrew for the send-off."
"Oh, good," I said. I had never heard of yellow or purple bubblebrew. But he wrote it all down quite solemnly. I stamped it.
Where in HELLS was Lombar?
As Heller was about to move toward the ship, I blocked him again. "Surely there is something else!" He looked at me. He was having real trouble with his mouth. He must have bruised it leaping about the ship the way he does. "Well, we haven't ordered a tup party, complete with polka-dot cakes and blue-skinned dancing girls for the contractors and their crews."
"Good. Good. Write it up." So he wrote that up and I stamped it.
NO LOMBAR!
"Oh, we must get busy, I can see," I said. "There certainly must be some other items." Heller seemed to be having trouble with his throat. But he finally said, "Well, we can't leave out all the hangar crews and hangar guards. They'd be upset if we favored the contractors and forgot them. Let's see," and he seemed to consider it. "How about a going away party for them with five separate dance bands, green mountain dancing bears, flitter from the roof and fireworks?"
"Oh, good, good, write that up!" So he wrote up the order for a huge tup party. I stamped it.
MY GODS, WHERE THE HELLS WAS LOMBAR!
"Surely, surely," I said, "you haven't covered everything." He was having an awful time swallowing. He finally said, "We haven't ordered new dress uniforms for Snelz's platoon."
"Oh, wonderful. Write that up!" So he wrote that all up and even added to it new boots, new bedding for all of them and a new baton for Snelz. I stamped it.
Lombar, for the love of all the Gods in Heavens, get out of that ship!
"Now surely," I said, "we have not thought of everyone."
"Oh, so we haven't," he said. "A new uniform, a new pair of boots for your driver Ske. No, we'll make it two new uniforms and two new pairs of boots and a dress uniform for special occasions." He wrote it up and I stamped it as slowly as I could.