I could betray myself to myself.
And perhaps to others.
To Thomas?
To the ship?
No matter his denials, the mystery of deep space and inner space filled him with wonder and fear. This was a weakness and it required that he deal with it directly.
God or not, the ship was one of a kind. As I am.
And what i.... Ship were really God?
Oakes passed his tongue over his lips. He stood alone in the center of his cubby and listened.
For what am I listening?
He could only move by testing, by forcing the exchange, by groping beyond the ken of all other Shipmen. The key to the ship lay in its movements. Why did any organism move?
To seek pleasure, to avoid pain.
Food was pleasure. He felt hunger knot his stomach. Sex was pleasure. Where was Legata right now? Victory was pleasure. That would have to wait.
Let the pains demand their own actions.
Always the pendulum swung: pleasure/pai.... pleasure/pain. Intensity and period varied; the balance, the mean, did not.
What sweets would tempt a god? What thorn would lift a god's foot?
It came over Oakes that he had been standing for a long time in one position, his gaze fixed on the mandala pattern attached to his cubby wall. It copied the one he had left shipside. Legata had made this copy for him befor.... She had produced another in her finest hand and it already was displayed at the Redoubt. How he wished the Redoubt were ready! Demons gone, day side and nightside safe. Many times he had dreamed of stepping out into Pandora's double-sunshine, a light breeze ruffling his hair, Legata on his arm for a walk through gardens down to a gentle sea.
A sudden image of Legata clawing at her eyes replaced this pastoral vision. Oakes fought for a deep breath, his gaze fixed on the mandala.
Lewis has to destroy all of the demons - the kelp, everything!
It required a physical effort for Oakes to break himself away from his fixation on the mandala. He turned, walked three steps, stoppe.... He was facing the mandala!
What's happening to my mind?
Daydreaming. That had to be it, letting his mind wander. The pressure of all those demons outside Colony's perimeter walls overwhelmed him with feelings of vulnerability. He had lost the insulation he had enjoyed shipside - exchanged the perils of the ship for the perils of Pandora.
Who would ever have thought I'd miss the ship?
The damned Colonists were too brash, too quick. They thought they could barge in any time, interrupt anything. They talked too fast. Everything had to be done right now!
His com-console buzzed at him.
Oakes depressed a key. Murdoch's thin face stared at him from the screen. Murdoch began speaking without asking leave, without any preamble.
"My day side orders say you wanted Illuyank assigned t...."
"Illuyank's dead," Oakes said, his voice flat. He enjoyed the look of surprise on Murdoch's face. That was one of the reasons for secret random sampling among the spy sensors. No matter what horrors you found, the information could make you appear omnipotent.
"Find someone else for my guard squad," Oakes said. "Make it someone more suitable." He broke the connection.
There! That was the way they did it groundside. Quick decisions.
The reminder of Illuyank's death brought back the knot in his stomach. Food. He needed something to eat. He turned, and once more found himself looking at the mandala.
Things will simply have to slow down.
The mandala rippled before his eyes, myriad grotesque faces weaving in and out of the design, folding upon themselves.
Belatedly, he realized that one of the faces was that of Rachel Demarest. Silly bitch! The Scream Room had driven her out of her min.... what was left of her mind. Running outside like that! Enough people had seen the demons get her that no blame would be laid at his hatch. One problem gon.... but running outsid....
Everything reminds me of outside!
Someone else would have to be found to make the liquor deliveries to old Win Ferry. Pure grain spirits he wanted now. And Ferry would have to get the message - no more pestering questions about that Demarest woman.
Oakes found that his hands ached and he realized both fists were clenched. He forced himself to relax, began to rub at the beginnings of cramp in his fingers. Maybe another small drink of the win.... No!
All this frustration! For what?
Only one answer, the answer he had given Lewis so many times: For this world.
Victory would give them their own safe world. Unconsciously, his right hand went out and touched the mandala. What a price! And Legata - historian, search technician, beautiful woman - perhaps she would be his queen. He owed her that, at least. Empress. His finger traced the maze of lines in the mandala, flowing intricacies.
"Politics is your life, not mine" Lewis had said.
Lewis did not know what it cost. All Lewis wanted was his lab and the safety of the Redoubt.
"Leave me alone here. You can proclaim and make policy all you want."
They were a great team - one in front and one behind.
Maybe just a little bit of the wine. He picked up the bottle and sipped from it. This Raja Thomas would be eliminated soon. Another victim of the kelp.
Lewis ought to drink more of this wine. They've really improved it.
Oakes sipped the wine, aerated it across his tongue with a slurping sound which he knew always made Lewis uneasy.
"You really should treat yourself to some of this stuff, Jesus. You might smooth some of those lines out of your face."
"No thanks."
"All the more for me, then."
"You and Ferry."
"No. I can take it or leave it alone."
"We have urgent problems," Lewis kept saying.
But urgency should never mean hurry, incautious rushing about. He had told Lewis in no uncertain terms: "If we're relaxed and reasonable in our urgency to complete the Redoubt, the solutions we find will be relaxed and reasonable."
No need for chaos.
He slurped more of the wine while staring at the mandala. The way those lines twisted - they, too, appeared to come right out of chaos. But Legata had found the design of it, duplicated it twice. Design. Pandora had its design, too. He just had to find it. Peel away all of this dissonance, and there would be the foundations of order.
We'll finish off the kelp, the Runners. Chlorine. Lots of it. Things will start making sense around here pretty soon.
He lifted the bottle to take another sip, found that there was no more wine in it. He let the bottle slip out of his hand, heard it thump on the floor. As though that were the signal, his com-console buzzed at him once more.
Murdoch again.
"Demarest's people are asking for another meeting, Doctor."
"Stall them! I told you to s.... stall them."
"I'll try."
Murdoch did not sound very happy with the decision.
Oakes took two stabs with a finger to break the connection. How many times did you have to give an order around this damned place?
Once more, he focused on the mandala.
"We'll have some order around here pretty soon," he told it.
He realized then that he had taken too much wine. It sounded ridiculous, talking to himself in quarters this way, but he enjoyed hearing certain things, even if he had to be the one who voiced them.
"Gonna get some order around here."
Where was that damned Legata? Had to tell her to get some order into things.
***
As the rock silences the sea, the One in one silences the universe.