Lou, I want to ask you something, a few things, and I want to beg you please, please, please not to take it the wrong way. Are you-oh, don't be, darling-are you afraid of me? Do you feel that you have to be nice to me? There I won't say anything more, but you know what I mean, as well as I do at least. And you will know.
I hope and pray I am wrong, darling. I do so hope. But I'm afraid-are you in trouble? Is something weighing on your mind? I don't want to ask you more than that, but I do want you to believe that whatever it is, even if it's what I-whatever it is, Lou, I'm on your side. I love you (are you tired of my saying that?), and I know you. I know you'd never knowingly do anything wrong, you just couldn't, and I love you so much and… Let me help you, darling. Whatever it is, whatever help you need. Even if it should involve being separated for a while, a long while, let's-let me help you. Because I'll wait for you, however long-and it mightn't be long at all, it might be just a question of-well, it will be all right, Lou, because you wouldn't knowingly do anything. I know that and everyone else knows it, and it will be all right. We'll make it all right, you and I together. If you'll only tell me. If you'll just let me help you.
Now. I asked you not to be afraid of me, but I know how you've felt, how you used to feel, and I know that asking you or telling you might not be enough. That's why I had you stop at this place, here at a bus stop. That's why I'm giving you so much time. To prove to you that you don't need to be afraid.
I hope that when I come back to the table, you'll still be there. But if you aren't, darling, if you feel that you can't… then just leave my bags inside the door. I have money with me and I can get a job in some other town, and-do that, Lou. If you feel that you must. I'll understand, and it'll be perfectly all right-honestly it will, Lou-and..
Oh, darling, darling, darling, I love you so much. I've always loved you and I always will, whatever happens. Always, darling. Always and always. Forever and forever.
Always and forever,
Amy
21
Well. WELL?
What are you going to do? What are you going to say?
What are you going to say when you're drowning in your own dung and they keep booting you back into it, when all the screams in hell wouldn't be as loud as you want to scream, when you're at the bottom of the pit and the whole world's at the top, when it has but one face, a face without eyes or ears, and yet it watches and listens…
What are you going to do and say? Why, pardner, that's simple. It's easy as nailing your balls to a stump and falling off backwards. Snow again, pardner, and drift me hard, because that's an easy one.
You're gonna say, they can't keep a good man down. You're gonna say, a winner never quits and a quitter never wins. You're gonna smile, boy, you're gonna show 'em the ol' fightin' smile. And then you're gonna get out there an' hit 'em hard and fast and low, an'-an' Fight!"
Rah.
I folded the letter, and tossed it back to Howard.
"She was sure a talky little girl," I said. "Sweet but awful talky. Seems like if she couldn't say it to you, she'd write it down for you."
Howard swallowed. "That-that's all you have to say?"
I lit a cigar, pretending like I hadn't heard him. Jeff Plummer's chair creaked. "I sure liked Miss Amy," he said. "All four of my younguns went to school to her, an' she was just as nice as if they'd had one of these oilmen for a daddy."
"Yes, sir," I said, "I reckon she really had her heart in her work."
I puffed on my cigar, and Jeff's chair creaked again, louder than the first time, and the hate in Howard's eyes seemed to lash out against me. He gulped like a man choking down puke.
"You fellows getting restless?" I said. "I sure appreciate you dropping in at a time like this, but I wouldn't want to keep you from anything important."
"You-y-you!"
"You starting to stutter, Howard? You ought to practice talking with a pebble in your mouth. Or maybe a piece of shrapnel."
"You dirty son-of-a-bitch! You-"
"Don't call me that," I said.
"No," said Jeff, "don't call him that. Don't never say anything about a man's mother."
"To hell with that crap! He-you"-he shook his fist at me-"you killed that little girl. She as good as says so!"
I laughed. "She wrote it down after I killed her, huh? That's quite a trick."
"You know what I mean. She knew you were going to kill her…"
"And she was going to marry me, anyway?"
"She knew you'd killed all those other people!"
"Yeah? Funny she didn't mention it."
"She did mention it! She-"
"Don't recall seeing anything like that. Don't see that she said anything much. Just a lot of woman-worry talk."
"You killed Joyce Lakeland and Elmer Conway and Johnnie Pappas and-"
"President McKinley?"
He sagged back in his chair, breathing hard. "You killed them, Ford. You killed them."
"Why don't you arrest me, then? What are you waiting on?"
"Don't worry," he nodded grimly. "Don't you worry. I'm not waiting much longer."
"And I'm not either," I said.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean you and your courthouse gang are doing spite work. You're pouring it on me because Conway says to, just why I can't figure out. You haven't got a shred of proof but you've tried to smear me-"
"Now, wait a minute! We haven't-"
"You've tried to; you had Jeff out here this morning chasing visitors away. You'd do it, but you can't because you haven't got a shred of proof and people know me too well. You know you can't get a conviction, so you try to ruin my reputation. And with Conway backing you up you may manage it in time. You'll manage it if you have the time, and I guess I can't stop you. But I'm not going to sit back and take it. I'm leaving town, Howard."
"Oh, no you're not. I'm warning you here and now, Ford, don't you even attempt to leave."
"Who's going to stop me?"
"I am."
"On what grounds?"
"Mur-suspicion of murder."
"But who suspects me, Howard, and why? The Stantons? I reckon not. Mike Pappas? Huh-uh. Chester Conway? Well, I've got kind of a funny feeling about Conway, Howard. I've got a feeling that he's going to stay in the background, he's not going to do or say a thing, no matter how bad you need him."
"I see," he said. "I see."
"You see that opening there behind you?" I said. "Well, that's a door, Howard, in case you were wonderin', and I can't think of a thing to keep you and Mister Plummer from walking through it."
"We're walking through it," said Jeff, "and so are you."
"Huh-uh," I said, "no I ain't. I sure ain't aimin' to do nothing like that, Mister Plummer. And that's a fact."
Howard kept his seat. His face looked like a blob of reddish dough, but he shook his head at Jeff and kept his seat. Howard was really trying hard.
"I-it's to your own interest as well as ours to get this settled, Ford. I'm asking you to place yourself-to remain available until-"
"You mean you want me to cooperate with you?" I said.
"Yes."
"That door," I said. "I wish you'd close it real careful. I'm suffering from shock, and I might have a relapse."
Howard's mouth twisted and opened, and snapped shut. He sighed and reached for his hat.
"I sure liked Bob Maples," said Jeff. "I sure liked that little Miss Amy."