“Oh, I’ve got over it now.”
“I’m glad.”
He reached for my hand and pressed it.
“I’m also glad that you are not badly hurt,” he went on. “When I turned and saw you on the ground … well, I cannot describe my feelings.”
I laughed happily. “I was thinking that out of mishaps sometimes the nicest things come about.”
“You mean this … here. Are you enjoying it?”
“So much … more than I have enjoyed anything … for a long time.”
“Do you know,” he said, “I can say the same.”
We smiled at each other and some understanding seemed to pass between us, some fellow feeling.
I never want this to end, I thought.
We sat there in silence and that seemed as wonderful as when we talked. A clock striking eleven broke in on the silence.
“The doctor said you were to go to bed early,” said Paul. “I’m afraid I’ve been forgetting the time.”
“I forgot it too,” I replied. “Surely that clock can’t be right.”
“It is, I’m afraid. You must sleep now. You’ll feel absolutely right in the morning, I feel sure.”
“How quiet it is here! It seems so strange to be in the mountains.”
“You’re not afraid?”
I shook my head vigorously.
“There’s no need to be. I’m next door … to offer protection should you need it. Goodnight.”
“Goodnight,” I answered.
He leaned forward suddenly and kissed me on the brow just as he had when I was coming into consciousness as I lay on the road.
I smiled at him. I thought he was going to say something, but he appeared to change his mind and went out.
I knew that I should not find sleep easily. I was not sure that I wanted to. I wanted to lie in my bed and look out over the mountains and go over everything that had happened on this wonderful day.
If I had not fallen from my horse I should not be here now. If Jeremy had not jilted me, this day would never have happened. Perhaps something good always comes out of evil. It was a comforting thought.
Was I in love? Perhaps. But I must remember that my emotions were easily aroused. I had adored Captain Carmichael. Then Jeremy had come and I had been over ready to fall in love with him. And even before that I had made a hero of Paul Landower, and he had figured in my dreams ever since … apart from the time when I had been obsessed by Jeremy.
Could I really trust my feelings? I suppose people would say I was too young—and immature with it.
One thing I was sure of. I was happy. I would go to Cornwall soon. There I should see Paul often. Our relationship would strengthen. I was going to be happy.
I dozed and awoke with a start. I was not alone. I lay still, my eyes only half open, my heart beating wildly. The room was full of moonlight, and there was a shadow at the French window.
I knew that it was Paul who was standing there. He was looking in at me.
I dared not let him see that I was awake. I did not know what would happen if he did. He had his hand on the door. I thought, he is coming to me.
I felt a great yearning for him to do so. I was almost willing him to come.
But I lay there, my eyes half closed, feigning sleep.
And still he stood there and made no move.
I repressed a desire to call him. How could I welcome him into my room at that hour of the night? If I did it could surely be for one purpose.
I must not … and yet I wanted him to come in.
I could hear my heart hammering beneath the bedclothes. I had shut my eyes tightly … waiting.
I was aware that the shadow had disappeared. I opened my eyes. He had gone.
I slept little but my sleeplessness was not due to my fall. He said nothing about the night, but just asked how I had slept. I replied: “Intermittently.”
He nodded. “After such a shock you would expect to.”
I wanted to ask him, “Why did you stand outside my window last night?” But I said nothing and he seemed different by morning light. The intimacy of the previous evening had gone, he was aloof almost.
He said: “We must have breakfast and set off right away. Your mother will be anxious. How do you feel about mounting the chestnut?”
“Perfectly all right. It was my carelessness really. I should have been more watchful. The poor creature was plagued by that stony path.”
“You’re too good a horsewoman to be bothered by a little spill, I’m sure.”
We had the usual French breakfast of coffee and brioche with lots of creamy butter and honey; and apart from a certain stiffness I did feel normal.
He regarded me with some concern. “All the dizziness has gone?”
I nodded.
“You’ll have those bruises to remind you for some time, I should imagine.”
“I shall remember after they have gone.”
“We’ll neither of us forget, shall we?”
“Oh, will you remember too?”
“But of course.”
He went on ahead as the road was narrow and very soon we had left the mountains behind us.
Everton came to the door when we arrived.
“Your mother has been so anxious,” she said.
“You had a message, did you not? The stable-boy from the auberge
“Yes, yes,” said Everton, “but your mother has been most upset.”
“Miss Tressidor has been upset also,” said Paul.
He had dismounted and helped me down.
“Would you like me to wait and see your mother?” he asked.
I shook my head. “No, I think I’d better go in alone.”
“Au revoir,” he said.
He took my hand and held it firmly while he looked into my face with a certain inscrutable expression.
Then he went off with the two horses.
My mother was sitting up in bed, the empty chocolate cup on the table beside her.
“Caroline! My child! I’ve been so worried.”
“I hoped the message would explain.”
“My dear child, staying out like that … with that man!”
“I had an accident, Mama.”
“That’s what they said.”
“Are you suggesting that there was no accident? I’ll show you my bruises.”
I wondered then what tales she had made up to tell her husband when she had gone to see my father. I was becoming very unsympathetic towards her. I told myself I was overwrought. I had had an accident, but it was not of that I was thinking so much as the thought of Paul standing outside my window. I was sure he had wanted to come in and that he had been grappling with his conscience. I wondered what his feelings would have been had he known that I had wanted him to come. I was very innocent and ignorant in the ways of the world, and I should very quickly have betrayed my feelings to him.
My mother was saying: “What will people think?”
“What people?”
“Everton, Marie, Jacques, the Dubussons … everybody.”
“Everton will think what you tell her to and Marie and Jacques what I tell them. The Dubussons and the Claremonts would have no uncharitable feelings about anyone. As for everyone else, Honi soit qui mal y pense.”
“You always try to be clever. Olivia was never like that.”
I said: “Please, Mama. I am tired. I had a fall from a horse and I want to go to my room to rest. I just came to see you to let you know that I am back.”
“Where is Mr. Landower?”
“He left. He has taken the horses with him.”
“Well, I hope no one saw him and that the servants don’t gossip.”
“I don’t mind if they do, Mama. I have told you what happened and if people choose to disbelieve that, then they must.”
“You are getting dictatorial, Caroline,” she said.
“Perhaps I have been here too long and you would like me to go,” I retorted.
Her face crumbled. “How can you say that? You know I should hate you to go. The very thought of it makes me ill.”