“What would you do to prevent me?”
He had bent me back and was kissing me passionately on my throat and my hair and my lips. I felt I wanted this moment to go on forever. I would remember it always, the scent of daffodils and Paul there expressing his love for me … desperately, ready to do anything … just anything so that we could be together.
I withdrew myself. I said: “You shouldn’t be here like this. Any moment one of the servants might see you.”
“I’m tired of this,” he said. “Something must be done. I shall never let you go. I’ve got to do something. I’m desperate, Caroline. I’ve never let life get the better of me yet and I never will. And this is the most important thing that has ever happened to me.”
“As important as saving Landower for the Landowers?”
“More important than anything in my life.”
“You can’t do anything about it, Paul. It’s too late. You saved the house. I know how you felt. It had to be done … that was how you saw it. It can’t be undone now.”
“There must be a way out. I’ll ask her to release me.”
“She never would. Why should she? It’s part of the bargain. She loves Landower. She loves her position. She bought it. It’s hers and she will never give it up … any of it.”
“There will be a way … and I will find it.”
“Paul, you frighten me a little when you talk like that. There’s a look of fanaticism in your eyes.”
“I am fanatical … about you.”
“You are jealous because you think I will take someone else.”
“Yes, I’m jealous. I won’t stand by and see you do it. It’s the child, isn’t it? That’s changed you. You want to make it right for her … or what seems right and cosy. You want children. Of course you do. You’re seeing everything differently. I’ve noticed the change in you since you came back from London.”
“Wouldn’t you expect me to change? I loved my sister. I know I didn’t see her often but she was always there. We were very close to each other and she has left me her dearest possession … her child. Wouldn’t you expect me to change?”
“Caroline, my love … of course I understand. But it’s too big a price to pay. You think it will all be neatly rounded off, but it won’t be like that. A marriage that is wrong for you is just about the biggest tragedy that can happen, and it doesn’t make it any easier to bear because you have brought it on yourself. Don’t seek an easy way out … as I did. Learn from me. I have seen you and him and the child together. It looks idyllic and you think it is the answer. It isn’t, Caroline. My darling, I am not going on like this. I’ve been thinking of it … I’ve thought of nothing else … night and day. We’re being foolish. We’ve got to do something. This love of mine for you … and I believe you could feel deeply for me too … it can’t be ignored any longer.”
“My dear Paul, what are you suggesting?”
“If you can’t have exactly what you want … take what you can?”
“What does that mean? Furtive meetings? Where? In some inn a few miles away … holding secret meetings … I don’t think either of us would be very happy.”
“How can we be happy now? I want you with me at Landower. I want our nurseries opened up. I want a happy life with you.”
“It’s something we can’t have,” I said. “It’s crying for the moon.”
“It’s nothing of the sort. Who wants the moon? And you and I could work out something. Instead of which you are getting ready to plunge into disaster … as I did … because it seems an easy way out.”
I heard the sound of footsteps in the hall and I sprang away from him. I said in a loud voice. “It was good of you to call.”
I stepped into the hall. One of the maids was just going up the staircase. I walked towards the door and he followed me.
I said: “There is so much gossip. I believe the servants watch our movements. Moreover I think they listen at doors. Information gleaned passes through the ranks and it sometimes comes to the ears of the master and mistress of the house.”
We came out into the courtyard.
I said: “You must not be so vehement, Paul.”
“How can you do this?” he demanded.
“I have to live my life. You have to live yours.”
“I won’t let it happen.”
“I must go,” I told him. “I promised Livia I would take her for a ride in the paddock.”
He gazed at me in despair; and then I saw a look of determination in his eyes.
I felt a thrill of pleasure, and I had to admit to myself that I had enjoyed his passionate declaration. His jealousy was balm to me and for a while I could gloat over his love for me.
It was wrong, of course; it was dangerous; but it was only later that I began to think about that.
It was May and Jeremy was coming as frequently as ever and staying longer. He showed an enormous interest in the estate. He had become quite knowledgeable about it and I was interested to hear him assessing its worth.
“That manager of yours is quite good,” he said. “I had a chat with him this afternoon.”
“The job is his life. He served Cousin Mary well and now he does the same for me.”
“I was talking to a man in town. He was quite interested.”
For a moment I went cold with fear. “You talked to him … about what?”
“Well, about the sale of the estate.”
“Sale of the estate!”
“I know that you won’t want to stay buried in the country. I thought it would be a good idea to put out a few feelers … just tentatively.”
“Isn’t that a bit premature?”
“Of course … of course … Nothing definite. But these things always take time, and it is as well to know what we are about.”
“What we are about!” I was repeating his words after him.
“My dear Caroline, I want to take the burden of everything off your shoulders.”
“As you did Olivia’s?”
“I did what I could for her.”
“Olivia was left very wealthy.”
“Well, less than she had thought, poor girl. And things didn’t go very well.”
“How was that?”
“Markets and things. I wouldn’t want to bother you with them, Caroline.”
“I would not want anyone here to know that enquiries were being made about selling the estate. There would be panic. These people’s homes are here … their work … their lives.”
“Of course … of course … Only tentative enquiries, I assure you. I shall just want to get everything settled. I have spoken to Lady Carey. She is delighted. She thinks it is an excellent idea. She’s so relieved about Livia.”
“I didn’t know she gave much thought to Livia.”
“Oh, she likes to see everything settled as it should be. She thinks that it will have to be quiet. And she thought you should come up to London. She’ll take charge of everything. A very quiet ceremony. I agree with her.”
“You and she seem to work out everything between you.”
“We’re both concerned about you, Caroline.”
I thought: He’s getting a little careless, a little too sure. Perhaps the time has now come.
He went on to say that he thought he should arrange it for the first of July.
“The year will be up then,” he added. “No one can carp about that. Why don’t you come up in June … about the middle, say. There will be a lot to do.”
“What about Livia?”
“She’s all right with Loman and that Miss Bell.”
“Of course,” I said.
I saw him off on the train, very jaunty, very sure of himself.
Then I went home to write the letter.
“Dear Jeremy,
“You wrote to me once explaining why we should not marry and it is now my duty (by no means painful) to tell you why I have no intention—or ever had—of marrying you. How could I marry a man who had such a low opinion of my intelligence that he thought I could be deceived by such puerile blandishments. You are a great lover, Jeremy —of money. Yes, the estate is a very fine one; it is mine and I am rich … possibly more so than Olivia was before you squandered the greater part of her fortune.