‘See you on deck, sir,’ Thadrake repeated, and was gone.
Once outside, he felt energised, refreshed by the icy cold. He stood at the starboard rail, almost hoping for a wave to splash him in the face. They had come far north, through the Narrows, and were closing in on the archipelago. With any luck, they would ride the Twinmoon tides through the Northeast Channel and into Pellia. Memories of his youth intruded as he stood there. Below, in his berth, only pain and anger kept him company – and the girl, don’t forget her. She’s been with you all along – but out here, Jacrys found himself wrapped in a sense of homecoming.
Watching the waves, he remembered his father, and evenings kneading bread dough beside the hearth. His mother had died when he was young, and he had grown up with only his father to look after him – but that was fine; he had no regrets. It had been so long since he had been in Pellia that he wondered if his father was even alive, and if they would find anything to say to one another. Would he even recognise his father if they met in the street? ‘It’s worth a try,’ he murmured to himself. They were approaching the Northeast Channel; it wouldn’t be long now.
‘Feeling better?’
Jacrys jumped. In his melancholic, injured state he had permitted someone to sneak up behind him. Perhaps his decision to retire had come at exactly the right moment. Smiling, he said, ‘Captain Ellis?’
Wenra Ellis joined him at the rail. Middle-aged, wiry and obviously tough, Captain Ellis had run Carpello’s yacht for nearly thirty Twinmoons. The sandy-haired sailor had skin like tanned hide, but she was not unattractive; still, Jacrys seriously doubted that Carpello had ever managed to bed this woman. He enjoyed a good fight in bed, but Carpello also enjoyed winning, and Jacrys didn’t think Captain Ellis was the type of woman to tolerate that sort of nonsense.
‘Going home?’ she asked him.
He nodded. ‘I grew up just south of the city, on the west bank. It was a nice old place. My father did a lot to make it comfortable for us.’
‘Is that where you’re bound?’ She checked the main sheet and automatically tugged on a ratline.
Jacrys said, ‘Eventually, maybe.’
‘Is he still there?’
‘I don’t know.’
‘I don’t know who you are, or what you do for General Oaklen,’ Captain Ellis began, ‘but I’m impressed that you’ve been assigned a healer and a company commander just to see you home.’
There was no longer any point in hiding who he was, Jacrys thought. ‘I was a spy for Prince Malagon and his officers, a good one,’ he whispered. ‘Recently I killed a powerful partisan, Gilmour Stow, who was rumoured to be a Larion Senator – though I don’t know if I believe that, because when I stabbed him, he just died. No magic, no great blinding light, nothing. But I’m sick, I’m tired, and I’m hurt. And more than anything I want to go home.’
‘Aspy?’ She sounded a little surprised, and maybe a little impressed.
‘I’m out of shape,’ Jacrys explained. ‘I’ve been hit too many times, climbed too many icy mountains, stabbed too many sleeping partisans. Just now, you came up behind me, and I had no idea you were there. Five Twinmoons ago, I would have gutted you before you’d even realised I’d heard you.’
Captain Ellis backed away a step, her forehead creased. ‘I’ll be careful next time.’ She forced a chuckle.
‘Not to worry,’ Jacrys said, ‘all I want now is to go home.’ That isn’t true, you liar. More than anything, you want Brexan Carderic: you covet her, you who have never coveted anything. You want to feel her, to taste the salty tang of her sweat as it runs across her skin, to taste her blood as it splashes over her breasts. And you want to kill her, and that’s what’s different: you’ve never wanted to kill anyone before, not Steven Taylor, not even Gilmour Stow. You want to kill Brexan Carderic.
‘Well, sir,’ she said, ‘going home can be a cathartic experience for any of us. Perhaps you’ll find the rejuvenation you need to get back to work.’
‘I hope not.’ He stared out across the waves. The winter sun, cool but bright, shone in blinding glints off the water.
‘Looking for redemption?’
‘There is no redemption for me.’
‘Just peace and quiet then?’
‘A place to regroup, to decide what comes next, and especially to let go of a few things.’
‘I know that feeling,’ she said a wry laugh.
‘You do?’ It was Jacrys’ turn to be surprised.
‘I work for a Falkan traitor, a man who beats and molests young women. It’s no secret: Carpello Jax is a monster. Do you know how many nights he’s slept in the main stateroom while I’ve been up here, considering what an enormous favour I could do for Eldarn if I just slipped in and slit his throat?’
‘Many?’
‘None.’
‘None?’ Jacrys smirked. ‘Let me guess: because you have learned how to let go of a few things.’
‘Exactly.’
‘So how do you look at yourself in the mirror, Captain?’
‘I don’t,’ she said simply. ‘I’ve never been what anyone would call pretty-’
‘Now, I wouldn’t-’
‘So,’ she cut him off, ‘I’ve never had any need for mirrors. If I need to get a look at myself, I do my job well and then try to catch a clear glimpse of my face reflected in the silver that fat son-of-a-whore pays me to take care of his little boat.’
‘That sounds like overly simple cynicism, Captain Ellis.’ Jacrys gripped the rail with both hands. The talking was wearing him down.
‘Overly simple cynicism, Jacrys?’ Captain Ellis laughed. ‘You have many mirrors in your house?’
He was beaten – but he felt a bit better. The truth was doing him good. ‘No, I suppose I don’t.’
Captain Ellis changed the subject. ‘You don’t look good. You’re too pale; you ought to have some water, maybe some fruit. I’ve got tempines in my personal stores.’
Jacrys managed a smile of thanks. ‘I am hungry, a little.’
‘You want to go back below, lie down for a while?’
‘No. I’d rather stand here a bit longer and then maybe try to eat something, maybe drink a beer.’
She nodded laconically; Jacrys guessed that Captain Ellis wouldn’t waste a great deal of energy flailing about out of control. ‘Very well,’ she said, walking away, ‘suit yourself.’
‘Captain?’ Jacrys called, and fell victim to another coughing spasm. Something came loose in his chest, something lumpy, tasting like salt. Whatever it was threatened to make him retch, and he swallowed: he didn’t want to think that he was bleeding internally, and he especially didn’t want to be spitting blood in front of Captain Ellis. Bleeding into his lungs was bad enough; having Ellis see it, somehow, would be worse.
‘Are you all right?’ she called, hurrying back. ‘Let me get Mirron. Where is he?’
‘No!’ Jacrys wheezed, ‘no, I’m fine, I just need a minute.’
She guided him towards the forward hatch and helped him sit, then offered him water.
Jacrys ignored her, asking instead, ‘Captain, have you ever coveted anything? Anyone?’
Surprised, Captain Ellis tilted her head for a moment, considered the sea rushing by and said, ‘Just this, I guess, the chance to feel this degree of freedom, to earn my silver doing my job, rather than peddling something – bread, wine, my tits and backside – you know.’
‘I understand.’ As another who had revelled in his job, Jacrys felt an unexpectedly strong kinship with the Falkan sailor.
‘Why?’ she asked, ‘what is it you covet?’
Again Jacrys surprised himself by being truthful. ‘A woman.’
Captain Ellis laughed. ‘Isn’t that always the way it goes?’
‘Not like that,’ he interrupted, ‘she beat me – she was a beginner, a clumsy pawn in a dangerous game and I could have killed her several times over. Probably should have, now that I think about it. But oddly, I didn’t. And in the end, she sneaked into the most secure barracks in the Eastlands. I have no clue as to why. It was essentially suicide, even to try, but she knew my personal password, killed my guard and stabbed me in the chest before leaving me for dead.’