"I get that, sir. The you-want-this-done part. Note, that you want it done, not you need it done. Turkey means exactly dick to the U.S. strategically right now. The Middle East means dick right now. In five years, ten years, maybe. Right now? Diddly. So you want it done not need it done."
"That is actually a fair assessment," the State guy said. "But there's a high probability that the Anatolian League can help with stabilization. There's an oil shortage building in the U.S. Less use but we're heading into a cold winter and we're going to need oil. We're mostly looking for the oil platform in the Black Sea. If the Kurds can get their act together and the Anatolian League can get their act together we could be shipping by January. And we're going to need it in January."
"Uh, huh. I've done some stuff . . . Well, I've done quite a lot of stuff to stabilize the situation down in the Northern Gulf. Shia will sell you oil."
"Bandits in the Straits of Hormuz," the Air Force Chief of Staff said, shrugging. "Maybe we could escort with Navy ships but we're still pretty tasked out. The Med is clear. Italians are sort of back up, ditto the Greeks. And the Brits took back Gibraltar so the Spanish don't matter. They're not back up."
"The Kurds are becoming a linchpin," the State Department guy said. "They are stable. Especially after your actions at Mosul. Mullah Hamadi cannot, in the near future, take back northern Iraq. And the pipeline to the Black Sea is up. Venezuela and Brazil aren't pumping. Gulf of Mexico isn't entirely back up but it's keeping us alive. By January we're really going to need oil. So are the Europeans. So we need the Bosporus."
"Uh, huh. MEU?"
"That's not the only thing we're working on," ACOS said. "Screwed up as we are, we're still the World's Policeman. The Marines are way overtasked with that. This is part of being the World's Policeman. If you want a traffic whistle I'll send you one."
"Oh, I do," I said. "To be precise, I'm going to give you my needs, wants and desires. The needs are nonnegotiable. If I don't get them, we're going to become Kurds and I wish you luck in you Bosporus adventures. The boys are getting pretty tired of being handed the shit end of the stick."
"People?" the Chief of Staff asked.
"No," I replied. Although, truthfully, I should have gotten more troops. But I trusted the guys I had. New troops would be an unknown quantity. And I was seeing glimmerings of ideas. "Maybe some . . ."
See, here's the fucked up thing. Give me a problem, one that's damned near insoluble, and I start solving it. I hate that trait. Especially since the ideas are never straightforward and always have a huge number of consequences. They solve the problem but they make more problems. And then there's the whole "the reward for a job well done is a harder job."
And you know, no matter what you do in the Army, you get paid exactly the same as some same-rank Pentagon weanie who takes a two-hour lunch?
There's a list of staff officer sayings. One of them came to mind at that moment:
"The secret to this shop is to find the one or two guys who are not complete incompetents and work them to death."
Military leadership in a nutshell.
"First, I'm going to need something like a designation as ambassador plenipotentiary to these Turkish guys."
What the fuck does that mean?
Back in the days when communication to a foreign country took forever, see the thing about waxed linen envelopes, the ambassador to a foreign country would be "plenipotentiary." That is, he (and it was always a he) spoke with "full power" (plenipotentiary) of the government he represented.
All ambassadors these days are, technically, plenipotentiary. The reality is, State does whatever it damned well pleases with or without the ambassador's say-so. Probably a better system, but I wasn't having it.
"If I'm going to do this, I'm going to need concessions and support from a lot of local groups. I have to be able to negotiate with full powers to get it. And I'm going to be negotiating with the Turkish guys, not some State suit. State doesn't joggle my elbow. State doesn't back-channel. State doesn't back stab. State stays the fuck out of the way and you get what you get when I'm done. The same goes for anyone above State."
The only person above State is the President.
"I am notionally accepting of you being an ambassador," the State guy said. "Although that is rarely a military post it has precedents. I cannot guarantee it being done. I also cannot guarantee lack of any interference. But if you detect interference from State we should be able to work that pretty hard. We also should be able to . . . handle interference above State. May I ask, in general, what you are going to be negotiating?"
"No."
"What else do you require?" the ACOS asked.
"Really, that's it, General," I replied, shrugging. "I would like a bunch of other stuff. But that's the only requirement. Fly my wounded out. Be ready to do that again when it becomes necessary. I'd like air support. I don't see why we can't get a wing of something over to Irbil and have them work out of there. We've got plenty of fuel here. Might have some parts needs, but last time I checked we're good on that. But I need serious room to negotiate and I don't know for what. I won't put the U.S. in any binding treaties and you can be sure I won't promise anything I can't deliver myself. Given that I've gotten nothing delivered to me this whole time, like, you know, redeployment to the States or some fucking air support, promising anything to the Turks would be silly. Although the way that things have been going, why would it surprise me if they got more support than we have."
"Major," the ACOS said, sternly, "I have been, I think, very accepting of your attitude in this discussion. But I will remind you that things are tough all over."
I looked at the cut-off button for ten seconds then looked back up, right at the Chief of Staff of the Army.
"You want 'tough,' General? General, I'm sure that you still have access to satellite imagery. I invite you to task one of those satellites on the fields outside of Khuwaitla. General, a company of Stryker infantry, some of them in tanks that State O so kindly gave to the enemies of the United States and that we took away from those enemies and that they had never before driven or fired along with a group of Nepalese tribesman who had not worn shoes a year ago and were asked to use practically every weapon in the U.S. infantry inventory took on an armored brigade in more U.S. inventory that State gave to our enemies and crushed them."
I grabbed my somewhat too long hair and screamed.
"I KNOW THE PENALTY FOR A JOB WELL DONE IS A TOUGHER JOB BUT THAT WAS A PRETTY FUCKING TOUGH, GENERAL!"
Short answer? I got what I wanted. Every bit. Surprised the hell out of me.
Oh, I asked for and received other stuff. I got a C-17 loaded with Javelins and another with ammo. I didn't, then, ask for food. I knew it was in short supply in the U.S. But I told them I was going to need quite a bit at some point. At least a freighter's worth of grains and suchlike. They sent me some MREs which was nice of them.