CAPTAIN OF HORSE And did he say anything, the fellow?
GÉZA VON LAKKATI DE NÉMESFALVA ET KUTJAFELEGFALUSZÉG But — not able — had dung in mouth! (Peals of laughter. Loud explosion.)
ARTILLERY OFFICER Hey! Take it easy! — They’ll end up giving us a thrashing soon!
PRUSSIAN COLONEL —No, no, no ifs or buts — your retreat in Galicia wasn’t very glorious. Your archduke—
GENERAL Excuse me, but there was no alternative. His Imperial Highness did all that was humanly possible — but the poor combat fitness of the troops — and another thing I just happen to know — something His Excellency Field Marshal Boroevic expressly acknowledged — His Imperial Highness was not lacking in energy — not at all — but the men were committing suicide! How d’you stop that? Individually with a machine gun, or the normal decimation — it was simply a terribly weak corps. That’s just the way it is sometimes on our side. The men didn’t get enough sleep, and so on.
PRUSSIAN COLONEL Aha?
GENERAL Yes — look — Excellency Boroevic had to admit it himself — those who froze to death while asleep — as he wrote to the top brass — it makes people afraid to go to sleep.
PRUSSIAN COLONEL Aha! If that’s the case, then clearly it’s not Archduke Josef’s fault. Anyway, it’s not important. Just make sure that everything’s in order now. You did the right thing adapting this present offensive to the season. The time of year is not unfavourable. The setback in your sector of the front—
GENERAL Well, it probably won’t be much better in the other sectors—
PRUSSIAN COLONEL Let’s hope for the best. Though it’s certainly ominous that the enemy appear to have gone over to the offensive on this part of the front. But that means there’s a better chance of encircling him. We’ve tried that a dozen times on the Western Front. In that respect, I’m optimistic. We Germans are concentrating all our efforts on final victory — so all I can say is: let’s get it sorted!
GENERAL Yes, sure, we’ll manage it. (Lakkati hurls a champagne glass against the wall.)
LIEUTENANT —Hey — I dumped that little typist today — she was getting uppity — well, I settled her hash!
SECOND-LIEUTENANT So what’d’ya do to her?
LIEUTENANT Ruined her, that’s all! (Laughter.) — Well, what d’ya think? — cretin—! Go get your head deloused!
CAPTAIN OF HORSE —My dear fellow, say what you like — the Honveds will stand firm!
GERMAN CAPTAIN Yes, but the Bavarians will bite your throat out! That’s something I might wish on you, you—!
CAPTAIN OF HORSE What d’ya mean by that—! (Laughter. The sound of Austrian artillery fire decreases.)
ARTILLERY OFFICER —Oh, give over — I’ve seen some real bonanzas in my time, my friend — in the seventh and eighth battles of the Isonzo!
CAPTAIN OF HORSE Call that a bonanza, where the girls aren’t up for it! (Calls out) Music!
LIEUTENANT I was at a bonanza in Russia—!
ANOTHER LIEUTENANT Y’remember, at Rawa-Ruska — when Fallota was still—
PRUSSIAN SECOND-LIEUTENANT Hey — the music-chappie’s asleep!
PRUSSIAN CAPTAIN Play “In the Graveyard at La Bassée”!
MAJOR No — on my command — play “Mitzi, Mitzi, Be Nice to Your Fritzi”!
PRUSSIAN CAPTAIN Ah — Mitzilein! Wonderful!
DUTY GENERAL STAFF OFFICER They were always singing that at the Gartenbau — Varady and Rollé—
CHIEF SUPPLY OFFICER Ah, the good old Gartenbau! When Schenk was still performing there — (sings) “Mother-in-law — mother-in-law — that would be the final straw”—Play “Shampers Calms Our Tempers” (Cries of: “Shampers, champers!” “Bravo!”)
CAPTAIN OF HORSE Play “The End of the World Is Nigh, So More Champagne, I’m Dry”! (Cries of “Bravo!” The band plays. The officers sing along.)
CHIEF SUPPLY OFFICER Play “That Lovely Dance of Yore, They Won’t Play It Anymore”!
CHIEF PROSECUTOR (repeating) — they won’t play it anymore!
(The telephone officer rushes in, white as a sheet, goes directly to the general, and whispers in his ear.)
GENERAL What—?! A mutiny?! Decimate them — the whole damn lot o’ them! Send in new regiments — time for some fresh blood. Get going, get going — at the double!
PRUSSIAN COLONEL What’s up?
(The telephone officer whispers something else in the general’s ear.)
GENERAL What?! The poison gas shells aren’t working either?! What a shambles!!
PRUSSIAN COLONEL Oh, come on! That surely can’t be allowed to—! We would never tolerate such—!
GENERAL What — bunglers! What rotten luck! — What can you do—?
PRUSSIAN COLONEL Another fine mess you’ve got us into! A bit too sloppy, our dear Austrians, a bit too sloppy!
FIRST WAR CORRESPONDENT Look at the general, what did I tell you—!?
SECOND WAR CORRESPONDENT Major, sir, perhaps you could tell me how the battle is going—?
MAJOR An enemy offensive has begun.
FIRST WAR CORRESPONDENT Oh dear!
MAJOR The enemy has made a breach in the front-line positions—
SECOND WAR CORRESPONDENT A breach — in our positions?
MAJOR We hope we can successfully thwart this stratagem. But please don’t mention my name.
FIRST WAR CORRESPONDENT Our superior artillery—
SECOND WAR CORRESPONDENT As long as it’s not a flank attack!
SISTER PAULA —Ow! — cheeky blighter!
CAPTAIN OF HORSE Oh, go on — flank attacks are still permitted, eh?
SISTER LUDMILLA Enough! It’s always the same, him and his—!
CAPTAIN Jacko, don’t you dare!
PRUSSIAN CAPTAIN Ah yes, “Jacko, Jacko, don’t you dare”!
LIEUTENANT —D’you mean Madler or Madlé, fellow who was with Hausenblas at Sabac? Madler, I can tell you, is the greatest shirker in the whole army. The little squirt is mad because I was put up for a medal.
ANOTHER LIEUTENANT Where is he now?
LIEUTENANT Where d’you think? Back at base! While we work ourselves to the bone — Say, how’s your little doll?
(The band strikes up a czárdás. Lakkati and a female ancillary worker dance. Lively cries of “Bravo!”)
PRUSSIAN COLONEL Ah, wonderful! Marvellous! A proper red devil!
GERMAN GENERAL STAFF OFFICER —Oh, why can’t you leave me in peace with your damned gas! We have mustard gas — yellow-cross blister gas, green-cross choking gas, blue-cross poison gas — the French have tasted all the colours of the rainbow!
DUTY GENERAL STAFF OFFICER Pardon me, but our gas was pretty effective at Tolmino, too. They were falling over like ninepins.
CHIEF SUPPLY OFFICER Play “My Brown Isonzo Lassie”! (Cries of “My Brown Isonzo Lassie!” “Bravo!” The band strikes up.)
THE OFFICERS (sing along)
My brown — Isonzo — lassie—
Your eyes set me on fire,
My brown — Isonzo — lassie—
You are — my heart’s — desire.
Another kiss — just one more,
So take me — in your arms,
Sweet brown Isonzo lassie,
I’m captured by your charms.