"Yes, I will." He smiled. "So are you."
"I won't feel safe with you gone."
"I'll be in Tientsin."
"That's hundreds of miles away."
"Compared to Sinkiang, it is no distance."
We sat quietly sipping tea. I looked at him, his eyes, nose, mouth and hands.
27
Guang-hsu asked me to move with him to Ying-t'ai, the Ocean Terrace Pavilion, which stood on an island in the South Sea lake next to the Summer Palace. The seclusion, he said, would help him concentrate.
Ying-t'ai was a paradise that had long been unoccupied. Its elegant buildings, which were in need of repair, were linked to the mainland by a narrow causeway and a drawbridge. The pavilion had marble terraces dropping straight into the water, with canals spanned by pretty bridges between them.
In the summer the surrounding lakes were covered by flotillas of green lotus. By August large pink flowers would shoot up from the green mats. The views were astonishing. When the restoration work started, I was asked to rename the living quarters. I chose the names Hall of Cultivating Elegance, Chamber of Quiet Rest, Study of Reflection on Remote Matters and Chamber of Singleness of Heart.
I was beginning to realize that there could be dignity without friends. I found myself becoming more attracted to Buddhism. Its promise of peace was appealing, and it did not discriminate against women, as did Confucianism. The Buddhist pantheon included women, prominent among them the goddess of mercy, Kuan-yin, with whom I felt a special affinity. The truth was that I had nowhere else to turn.
I believed in mercy, but I was losing faith in the people around me. For example, I had thought that my fairness toward house eunuchs would assure their honesty and gain their loyalty, but with a piercing look straight in the eyes I would catch a liar.
I had asked my eunuch Chow Tee to send a honey-nut cake to Li Lien-ying, who was away on vacation for the first time in twenty-nine years. When Chow Tee reported Li Lien-ying's thanks to me, I asked, "Did you deliver the cake yourself?"
"I did, of course. I ran, so Chief Li could have the cake while it was still hot."
"It's raining outside, isn't it?" I asked.
"Yes."
"How is it that your clothes are completely dry?"
In the end, the liar suffered ten strokes of a bamboo stick.
Trying to calm myself, I looked at the blooming camellia outside my window. The trees were loaded with fat buds. It was hard to believe that Li Lien-ying had turned fifty. He was thirteen when An-te-hai first brought him to me.
I was now sixty-one and had become suspicious of others and increasingly questioned my own judgment. I repeatedly warned that I would tolerate no liars, but lying had always been a part of the life of the Forbidden City. Since our war with Japan, I had never received a single report of a military loss. The only news the court sent was of victory, for which I foolishly awarded promotions and bonuses.
On impulse, I would pick a moment to test my eunuchs and ladies in waiting. I felt sick at heart, yet I couldn't act differently. I had to be unpredictable and domineering. I made it a rule to be swift with the rod. This had become my way to survive mentally.
I tried to let go of small matters. For example, I did not pursue his punishment when Li Lien-ying poked a hole ("to let out the air") in all of my champagne bottles-Li Hung-chang's gifts from France. The eunuch believed that the popping sound would harm me.
Throughout 1896 I had worked daily with Emperor Guang-hsu and was pleased with his progress. He desperately tried to catch up on the court's business but faced tremendous obstacles, and getting things organized was our first step. I rose early and walked the stone bridges to get my mind ready for the day. I watched the lotus from their early budding to their final blooming. I caught the first flower, which opened on a summer dawn.
I felt at odds with the tranquility of the setting. As I watched my eunuchs plunging waist-deep in the mire to extract lotus roots for my breakfast, my mind struggled with whether or not I should press the Emperor to approve Li Hung-chang's recent proposal to secure additional loans. We were behind in our current payments, and the foreign banks were threatening. It was clear to us that the foreign powers were after our territories and were looking for any pretext to invade.
When the stir-fried lotus roots were served, Guang-hsu had no appetite. I sat beside him but had no words to comfort him. By now I had learned that Guang-hsu most often craved to be left alone. I had been worrying about his health, but I dared not utter a question or even encourage him to pick up his chopsticks.
After finishing my meal, I quickly rinsed my mouth and went into the office to prepare for the morning audiences. Guang-hsu would follow in a few minutes. I would wait for the eunuchs to finish dressing him and we would get into our palanquins.
Withdrawing from audiences in the afternoon, Guang-hsu and I would continue to discuss the day's issues. Often we had to summon ministers and officials for detailed information. When Guang-hsu saw me begin to yawn, he would beg me to stop and relax. I would ask him for a cigarette, and he would light it for me. I would smoke and continue to work until dark.
"China has given no offense, has done no wrong, does not wish to fight, and is willing to make sacrifices," Robert Hart's article read. "She is a big 'sick' man, convalescing slowly from the sickening effects of centuries, and is being jumped on when down by this agile, healthy, well-armed Jap-will no one pull him off?"
Guang-hsu and I hoped that Hart's remarks would help China gain sympathy and support from the rest of the world. Unfortunately, things went in the opposite direction. Our defeat by Japan only encouraged the Western powers to take further advantage of us. "The worm has reduced the stout fabric of China to handfuls of dust"-the remnants were there for anybody to take.
We had lost Korea, and our new navy lay in ruins. After slavishly emulating Chinese civilization for centuries, the Japanese had nothing but supercilious scorn for the true fountainhead of Eastern wisdom. The world seemed to have forgotten that as recently as 1871, Japan had paid tribute to China as a vassal state.
Like everyone else, Guang-hsu suspected that Li Hung-chang had cut private deals with the foreigners for his own benefit. "Li could have done better with the treaties," he insisted. Guang-hsu's only evidence was that Li Hung-chang entrusted his son-in-law with the military supplies of the army.
"That's because Li's experience with your uncles, brothers and cousins was so terrible," I told him. "Li has committed no corruption-it is the way of China to rely on personal connections. Focus on what you have gained. Li has succeeded in securing the funding to rebuild the navy."
"I can't forgive him for squandering the opportunity for an early defense!" Guang-hsu's voice pierced through the hallway. "He sold us down the river!"
Guang-hsu couldn't live with the fact that we had been forced to sign the Shimonoseki Treaty, the most humiliating ever signed by an emperor in Chinese history.
"Japan provided opportunities for him to make money. Am I not right that Li Hung-chang is the wealthiest man in China?"
"I will not kick the family dog," I said quietly. "I'd rather fight the bully neighbor. Li didn't want to take part in the negotiations in the first place. He was sent," I reminded Guang-hsu, "by you and me. The Japanese rejected the representative you had sent before him. Li was the only man whose credentials the Japanese considered adequate."
"Exactly!" Guang-hsu said. "They picked him because he was a friend. Japan knew Li would cut them a good deal."
"For heaven's sake, Guang-hsu, the bullet just missed Li's eye! If it hadn't been for his near assassination, Japan would have pushed for its original demands, and we would have lost all of Manchuria plus three hundred million taels!"
"It is not I alone who accuses Li." Guang-hsu showed me a document. "The court censor has been investigating. Listen." He read, "'Li Hung-chang was heavily invested in Japanese businesses, and he did not wish to lose his dividends through protracted war. He seems to have been afraid that the large sums of money from his numerous speculations, which he had deposited in Japan, might be lost; hence his objections to the war.'"