“You’re fixated on Butch.”
“I’m not fixated on Butch.”
The rain came down harder now and splashed inside, but I liked the air and she must’ve too, because we left our windows open a crack.
“Do you want me to take you home or drop you off at your friend’s? Or somewhere else?”
My sister gave me a long hard look. I let her do it. It went on for a while. I knew she didn’t trust me. There was no way that she could after what I’d done. But she was trying to find common ground. She was at least willing to make an effort to forgive me.
She abruptly relaxed and asked, “Are you going back out west?”
I hadn’t thought about it much. Now I did. “No.”
“You’re not leaving again?”
“No.”
A scoffing sound eased up her throat. “Why?”
I thought of something we’d discussed at the lake. “This time I’m staying the course.”
She laughed as if I’d just done something cute, reached out, and pressed her hand to my cheek. “My big brother, trying to make up for lost time. Okay. Okay, thanks. It’s nice to know you’ll be around in case I ever need you.”
“I have a question,” I said.
“Of course you do.”
“Why was it you who phoned me at the ranch?”
“No one else wanted to do it. They were all afraid you’d be mad at them, or worse, that you wouldn’t come home.”
“Why didn’t you tell me it was you?”
“I wanted to see if you’d know.”
I tried to read her eyes. I sensed that she was a lot more worldly than she was letting on, but that didn’t have to mean a damn thing.
She said, “You weren’t just killing time. It wasn’t just Collie. It had something to do with Kimmy too, didn’t it? It had to. Why you left?”
“Yeah. She had a miscarriage.”
Dale turned on me, waited a three count, then got up close. She jabbed me in the chest with a finger. It hurt.
“You… you… are a serious asshole! That just means she needed you even more!”
“I know.”
“You abandoned her. You… you-”
“I know.”
“But why?”
Her voice hit that same plaintive whine that mine had reached when I’d asked my brother the same question. I thought I might have an answer, but it wasn’t a good one. And it might not even be the whole truth, but there didn’t seem to be any great truth to it anyway. I missed a child that had never taken a breath. I saw her as clearly now as I had then, laid out and bleeding as if she’d been struck by a car because we hadn’t been watching closely enough. I blamed myself, and I suppose I somehow blamed Kimmy as well. The tragedy had seemed greater in her presence. Her sobs had served to remind me that I couldn’t protect my girls. My failures were forever on display. I was proven a liar. My love for her overwhelmed me until I thought I’d choke. I’d always believed I wanted to die in her arms, and holding her to me I was certain I would. But it wasn’t possible to explain that to anyone.
Dale said, “And now you’re telling me I can trust you?”
“You probably won’t, not for a while. But yes, Dale, you can trust me.”
She grunted like she didn’t believe a word I might ever say. I wouldn’t believe me either. I thought the ride might help to calm things down. I was wrong again. I took us out to Ocean Parkway. She didn’t argue and say she was busy. She put her feet up on the dash the way that Kimmy used to do, and she let me open up the throttle and kick it up to triple digits in the rain. I knew she was a speed demon like Butch was. I could imagine her urging him on faster as he tore past the sand-strewn beach roads. It was a rite of passage. JFK hung his head out the win19;dow, and the rain spattered his thick old face and he panted into the wind. Occasionally he let out a bark. I wanted to do the same. We crossed the causeway and watched the bay thrash below us. It was primal and calming. It spoke to something inside both of us. I could see her readying herself to say something more. I wondered if she was going to admit to working with Butch or being closer with Danny Thompson’s crew than I ever hoped she’d be. I spun through the traffic circle at the far end and drove back across the bridge much slower and more composed. Dale bummed another cigarette off me. She used a chamois cloth on the floor in back to wipe JFK’s fur down. I waited for her to spill. I headed toward home and she turned her head twice in quick succession like she wanted to get a good look at me, maybe check my eyes, before saying the next thing she had to say.
“Okay, so tell me,” I said.
She twisted a lock of her hair and drew it over her ear. “There is something, I think. I’m not sure.”
I asked, “What?”
“I think someone’s been following me, but I could be wrong. It’s just a feeling.”
“Cops?”
“They’re easy to spot. No. Someone else. Maybe because of Collie.”
“Reporters?”
“I don’t know.”
“When did this start?”
“I’m not certain. Nothing I can put a finger on. It feels like it’s been there for a while but I can’t pinpoint an exact time, you know? It’s just been at the back of my mind and now it’s sort of moved to the front.”
“Someone angry at Collie who wants to take it out on his family? That kind of feeling?”
“I’m not sure.”
“You ever see anyone?”
“No.”
“When’s it happen? At home?”
“Yes, when I’m coming home or leaving for school. And at other times. When I’m shopping at the mall with friends. I get a sense that someone is watching.”
“Could it be someone from Danny Thompson’s crew?”
She froze up for a moment, then seemed to slowly regain the power of movement as she nodded. “So you know about that. About Butch working for Danny.”
“Yes,” I said.
She nearly spit her words. “Of course you do. It’s just small-time stuff.”
“I heard. Has he had a falling-out with Danny?”
“No. Maybe. I’m not sure. He’s… he’s involved with something new. A job. I think Danny might be pressuring him for details. Or for money up front.”
Dale spoke like she couldn’t believe the truth of what she was saying, as if she was having déjà vu and hoping for some different outcome this time.
“And you’re worried that he might be using you as leverage against Butch?” I asked.
“You tell me. You know that prick better than I do.”
“I don’t know him that well anymore.”
She didn’t say she thought it might be nothing. She didn’t say it might just be all in her head and she might just be acting paranoid. She knew enough to trust herself, to be wary and on her toes. It was a part of being born into this bent life of ours.
“You ever spot a black Mercedes tagging around you?” I asked.
“I don’t think so.”
“Keep an eye out for it. Do you carry any kind of weapon, Dale?”
“What, like a gun or a knife?”
“Like pepper spray?”
“No.”
We drove through neighborhood streets that had flooded. Trash spiraled in the gutters, the sewer grates boiling up like there were sharks under the water.
“I’ll get you something,” I said. “Maybe Mace.”
“They don’t sell Mace anymore.”
“I might be able to get it. You carry it with you everywhere you go from now on.”
“I want a knife,” she said.
She laid it out flat and I wondered if she’d been lying to me. She might just want a knife because she was hooked up with Butch and his crew and she knew that if anything ever went down wrong she’d be able to play sweet and get up close and stick the blade in. At least she thought she could.
I felt my neck flush and straightened my collar to hide it. My Christ, what the hell was going on with this family?
“Maybe I’ll get you a knife too,” I said. “Something small. But you aim for the eyes and throat and it’ll be effective. You feel like someone is following you again, you call me, wherever you are, day or night, you let me know. If anyone tries to grab you, you douse his eyes or you stab him in the face. Do you understand?”