“Oh! You’re teaching! How do you like it?”
“It’s great. I always planned to work either in film or television or junior high. That I should finally make it so big subbing eighth grade gym—it’s a dream come true.”
Dean laughed, and chunks of pulverized chicken-fried steak flew out of his mouth.
“I’m sorry. This is awful,” he said. “Food everywhere. You must think I’m a total pig.”
“No, it’s okay. Can I have the waitress bring you something? A glass of water? A trough?”
Dean bent so his forehead was almost touching his plate, his laughter wheezy, asthmatic. “Stop. Really.”
Bobby stopped, but not because Dean said. For the first time he had noticed Harriet’s knee was knocking his under the table. He wondered if this was intentional, and the first chance he got he leaned back and looked. No, not intentional. She had kicked her sandals off and was digging the toes of one foot into the other, so fiercely that sometimes her right knee swung out and banged his.
“Wow, I would’ve loved to have a teacher like you. Someone who can make kids laugh.” Dean said.
Bobby chewed and chewed, but couldn’t tell what he was eating. It didn’t have any taste.
Dean let out a shaky sigh, wiped the corners of his eyes again. “Of course, I’m not funny. I can’t even remember knock-knock jokes. I’m not good for much else except working. And Harriet is so funny. Sometimes she puts on shows for Bobby and me, with these dirty socks on her hands, we get laughing so hard we can’t breathe. She calls it the trailer park muppet show. Sponsored by Pabst Blue Ribbon.” He started laughing and thumping the table again. Harriet stared intently into her lap. Dean said, “I’d love to see her do that on Carson. This is—what do you call them, routines?—this could be a classic routine.”
“Sure sounds it.” Bobby said. “I’m surprised Ed McMahon hasn’t already called to see if she’s available.”
When Dean dropped them back at the mall and left for the lumber yard, the mood was different. Harriet seemed distant, it was hard to draw her into any kind of conversation—not that Bobby felt like trying very hard. He was suddenly irritable. All the fun seemed to have gone out of playing a dead person for the day. It was mostly waiting—waiting for the gaffers to get the lights just so, for Tom Savini to touch up a wound that was starting to look a little too much like Latex, not enough like ragged flesh—and Bobby was sick of it. The sight of other people having a good time annoyed him. Several zombies stood in a group, playing hacky-sack with a quivering red spleen, and laughing. It made a juicy splat every time it hit the floor. Bobby wanted to snarl at them for being so merry. Hadn’t any of them heard of method acting, Stanislavsky? They should all be sitting apart from one another, moaning unhappily and fondling giblets. He heard himself moan aloud, an angry frustrated sound, and little Bobby asked what was wrong. He said he was just practicing. Little Bob went to watch the hacky-sack game.
Harriet said, without looking at him, “That was a good lunch, wasn’t it?”
“Sen-sational,” Bobby said, thinking better be careful. He was restless, charged with an energy he didn’t know how to displace. “I feel like I really hit it off with Dean. He reminds me of my grandfather. I had this great grandfather who could wiggle his ears and who thought my name was Evan. He’d give me a quarter to stack wood for him, fifty cents if I’d do it with my shirt off. Say, how old is Dean?”
They had been walking together. Now Harriet stiffened, stopped. Her head swiveled in his direction, but her hair was in front of her eyes, making it hard to read the expression in them. “He’s nine years older than me. So what?”
“So nothing. I’m just glad you’re happy.”
“I am happy,” Harriet said, her voice a half-octave too high.
“Did he get down on one knee when he proposed?”
Harriet nodded, her mouth crimped, suspicious.
“Did you have to help him up afterwards?” Bobby asked. His own voice was sounding a little off-key, too, and he thought stop now. It was like a cartoon, he saw Wile E. Coyote strapped to the front of a steam engine, jamming his feet down on the rails to try to brake the train, smoke boiling up from his heels, feet swelling, glowing red.
“Oh you prick,” she said.
“I’m sorry!” he grinned, holding his hands palms-up in front of him. “Kidding, kidding. Funny Bobby, you know. I can’t help myself.” She hesitated—had been about to turn away—not sure whether she should believe him or not. Bobby wiped his mouth with the palm of his hand. “So we know what you do to make Dean laugh. What’s he do to make you laugh? Oh that’s right, he isn’t funny. Well what’s he do to make your heart race? Besides kiss you with his dentures out?”
“Leave me alone, Bobby,” she said. She turned away, but he came around to get back in front of her, keep her from walking off.
“No.”
“Stop.”
“Can’t,” he said, and suddenly he understood he was angry with her. “If he isn’t funny he must be something. I need to know what.”
“Patient,” she said.
“Patient,” Bobby repeated. It stunned him—that this could be her answer.
“With me.”
“With you,” he said.
“With Robert.”
“Patient,” Bobby said. Then he couldn’t say anything more for a moment because he was out-of-breath. He felt suddenly that his makeup was itching on his face. He wished that when he started to press she had just walked away from him, or told him to fuck off, or hit him even, wished she had responded with anything but patient. He swallowed. “That’s not good enough.” Knowing he couldn’t stop now, the train was going into the canyon, Wile E. Coyote’s eyes bugging three feet out of his head in terror. “I wanted to meet whoever you were with and feel sick with jealousy, but instead I just feel sick. I wanted you to fall in love with someone good-looking and creative and brilliant, a novelist, a playwright, someone with a sense of humor and a fourteen-inch dong. Not a guy with a buzz cut and a lumber yard, who thinks erotic massage involves a tube of Ben Gay.”
She smeared at the tears dribbling down her face with the backs of her hands. “I knew you’d hate him, but I didn’t think you’d be mean.”
“It’s not that I hate him. What’s to hate? He’s not doing anything any other guy in his position wouldn’t do. If I was two feet tall and geriatric, I’d leap at the chance to have a piece of ass like you. You bet he’s patient. He better be. He ought to be down on his fucking knees every night, bathing your feet in sacramental oils, that you’d give him the time of day.”
“You had your chance,” she said. She was struggling not to let her crying slip out of control. The muscles in her face quivered with the effort, pulling her expression into a grimace.
“It’s not about what chances I had. It’s about what chances you had.”
This time when she pivoted away from him, he let her go. She put her hands over her face. Her shoulders were jerking and she was making choked little sounds as she went. He watched her walk to the wall around the fountain where they had met earlier in the day. Then he remembered the boy and turned to look, his heart drumming hard, wondering what little Bobby might’ve seen or heard. But the kid was running down the broad concourse, kicking the spleen in front of him, which had now collected a mass of dust bunnies around it. Two other dead children were trying to kick it away from him.
Bobby watched them play for a while. A pass went wide, and the spleen skidded past him. He put a foot on it to stop it. It flexed unpleasantly beneath the sole of his shoe. The boys stopped three yards off, stood there breathing hard, awaiting him. He scooped it up.