The German woman, Bibi, nudged me and laughed, wondering why I was taking the tour with my eyes squeezed shut behind my sunglasses.
"Now, who can tell me what Loch Ness is famous for?"
"The Loch Ness monster!"
"That's right. There've been thousands of sightings over the years, but the very first took place over fourteen hundred years ago, when Saint Columba traveled to the Highlands to bring Christianity to the native Picts. According to legend, a fearsome monster rose from the murky depths of Urquhart Bay and grabbed a native swimmer. The Saint raised his hand, and yelled, 'Thou shall go no further, nor touch the man,' and the monster released him, then returned to the deep."
The children oohed and ahhed, while I ground my teeth, wishing I had slept in.
"On our starboard side is the town of Drumnadrochit where the first modern-day Nessie sighting took place. Mr. and Mrs. Mackay, owners of the Drumnadrochit Hotel, were traveling along the A82 in 1933, just after it was built. From the road they saw a huge beastie rolling and plunging in the middle of the Loch. Soon, hundreds of other people reported similar sightings, and now the Loch attracts the attention of monster hunters the world over. Dozens of documentaries have been filmed on these waters, including a movie starring Ted Danson. We've also had our share of famous scientists visit the Loch, and today, ladies and gentlemen, I'm excited to say we've got us a very special treat …"
Oh shit!
"… exclusively, only on board the Nessie-III, is one of the world's top marine biologists …"
No, Brandy, don't do it…
"… the only man ever to witness a giant squid in its own habitat …"
Stupid bastard! See what happens when you think with the wrong side of your brain! You should've stayed in Inverness. You should've …
"… straight from the United States, by way of the Highlands, Drumnadrochit's own Dr. Zachary Wallace."
I opened my eyes to applause, my heart pounding like a timpani.
"Raise your hand for us, Dr. Wallace. Dr. Wallace? Come on, now, don't be shy."
I raised my hand, clutching the bottom of the bench with the other.
"I'm sure Dr. Wallace would be happy to answer any questions you might have, isn't that right, Doctor?"
In the corner of my left eye I saw Clay Jordan's older boy excitedly raise his hand. "Dr. Wallace, do you believe in Nessie?"
"No."
"Why not?" This from the gabby German woman.
My clenched throat managed, "Nessie's folklore."
Brandy rescued me, if only temporarily. "Oh… kay, tell ye what, if you could hold yer questions for Dr. Wallace a moment, we're just drifting by Urquhart Castle, one of the most popular sites on the Loch. Many famous photos of the monster have been taken from the shores of these castle ruins and—"
"Hey," called out a dark-haired Canadian woman, "isn't this the spot where that rich guy was murdered?"
"John Cialino, that's right," answered Wezzi Hoeymans, visiting from the Netherlands. "Maybe we'll see his body!"
Passengers followed the purple-haired youth to the starboard rail, snapping pictures of the shoreline like a bunch of ravenous paparazzi.
The dramatic redistribution of mass was too much for the overloaded, under-ballasted craft, and it began rolling, its two-foot freeboard quickly disappearing as its starboard rail dipped precariously close to the water.
Brandy fought the wheel. "Take yer seats, people… please, we need tae keep the boat balanced. Please, take yer seats, we don't want tae tip."
They ignored her and continued to film, oblivious of the danger.
"Sit your asses down… now!"
What deep recess this guttural bellow came from, I've no clue, but come it did, straight out of my mouth, and it echoed across the Loch as if Sir William himself were leading a battle charge.
The passengers froze, then hustled back to their spots on the benches, tails between their legs.
Brandy stared at me, aghast.
Clearly in trouble, I stumbled out an apology. "Sorry. I… uh, it's just that I don't want us to tip, not in these freezing waters… uh… not with the monster lurking so close."
Having crapped on deck, I voluntarily stepped in it.
"But Dr. Wallace, you just said—"
"I said I didn't believe in the folklore of Nessie, but there's definitely something large living in Loch Ness, of that I'm certain."
The words came out of my mouth, and again I didn't recognize them. The crowd did, and they quickly gathered around, aiming their video cameras at me as if I were Mel Gibson.
"Go on, Dr. Wallace," coaxed Brandy, "don't stop now."
With nervous perspiration flowing from every pore, and my boxer shorts hopelessly wedged up the crack of my butt, I gritted my teeth and focused on the distant shoreline. "In… in order to understand the mysteries of Loch Ness, first… well, first we have to separate the real science from all of this legend nonsense. For instance, some Highlanders speak of a Kelpie, a sort of water horse, that lives not only in Loch Ness but in other Lochs and… and even in lakes across the world. At Loch Lochy, they call their monster Lizzy, and at Lake Champlain, the beast is known as Champ."
A pale, blonde American woman suddenly pointed from her wheelchair, crying out, "Oh my God, look! There it is!"
Passengers stood, several searching with binoculars.
"Hey, she's right, there it is! It's the monster!"
An avalanche of flesh tripped over itself to get to the port side rail, the crowd gesturing at a series of humps that were indeed moving along the otherwise mirrorlike surface, several hundred yards away.
"Dr. Wallace, Dr. Wallace, do you see it?!"
The boat began rolling again, this time to port.
"It's not the monster," I commanded, "now take your seats."
"No, look, it's moving right… aww, see, it's gone."
"It was just a boat wake, people. Sit down, and I'll explain." Reluctantly, they returned to their seats, their eyes still lingering to the east as the Nessie III resettled in the water.
I turned to the woman in the wheelchair. "Miss, what's your name?"
"Kate Coffey."
"Kate, do you see the mountains that form walls along either side of the Loch? Those mountains actually continue straight underwater, creating a sort of geological trowel, seven to eight hundred feet deep. Think of Loch Ness as Mother Nature's version of a giant bathtub. When you splash in your bathtub at home, you create waves, which strike the far side of the tub and reflect back again. Loch Ness sort of works the same way. When a boat like ours passes a steep shoreline like the one below Urquhart Castle, the boat's wake will strike the cliff face, then reflect back out again. Loch Ness is so big that sometimes the boat that created the wake is long gone by the time it's reflected back to the next passing boat. In calm conditions like today, a reflected wake moving at an angle toward another reflected wake will create a disturbance that looks very much like multiple humps in the water."
"And that's what I saw?"
"That's right. Don't feel bad, Kate, it fools a lot of people, though people tend to see what they want to see. Another popular illusion is created by large-keeled boats, like ferries or tugboats. As they move through Loch Ness, these powerful vessels create deep wave disturbances that travel along the bottom. When these waves eventually reach the shallows, the energy is forced up to the surface, causing a great upheaval of water that people swear is the monster breaching."
"Tell us more," said the German woman, as she snapped a picture of me with her digital phone-camera.