I continued, the diversion of the lecture, combined with the effects of my prescription pills combining to lessen my hydrophobia. "The abundant wildlife at Loch Ness has been deceiving tourists for decades. The area is home to cormorants — water birds with large necks that stick out of the water. And Merganser ducks, they can drive Nessie watchers crazy. As they move through the water, the ducks create V-shaped wakes, which resemble something large moving below the surface. From far away, a line of ducks can resemble humps in the water. Deer, otters, and seals are also found in Loch Ness, then you've got your pumas and badgers, leopards, bobcats, sheep, goats, and rats—"
"Rats?"
"Don't worry, the Anguilla eat them."
"What are Anguilla?" Kate Coffey asked.
"They're a nasty species of eel that inhabit Great Britain, with sharp teeth and—"
"I saw a moray eel once in the Sea Aquarium," said the older Jordan boy, Neil. "It was cool."
"Oh, Anguilla eels look and act nothing like morays," I said. "They're long and serpentlike, with thick bodies and two fore fins that allow them to crawl on land. They've been called the meanest, moodiest fish ever to grab a hook."
"How big do they get?"
"The males remain small, maybe reaching twenty-five pounds, but the females… they can grow to twelve feet, exceeding several hundred pounds."
"Geez."
"Are they born in Loch Ness?" Clay Jordan asked.
"Actually, no …" My voice trailed off, an acorn of thought planting itself in my subconscious, its growth instantly retarded by the squawk of Brandy's loudspeaker. "Sorry to interrupt, Dr. Wallace, but if everyone would look to starboard, you'll see Achnahannet. Back in the sixties, this small village was the location for the Loch Ness Phenomenon Investigation Bureau. It was also in these waters that the famous speedboat racer, John Cobb, died tragically in 1953 when he attempted to break the world's water speed record."
"Was it the monster that killed him, Dr. Wallace?" This from a thin American woman sporting a dozen painful-looking body piercings.
"Well, Miss—"
"Johnston. Dena Johnston. It was Nessie, wasn't it?"
"Tell me, Dena, which of the two is more likely, that an ancient creature rose up from the Loch and struck the boat, or that John Cobb simply lost control when his speed surpassed 240 miles an hour?"
"I don't know, the speed, I guess, but it's still possible, right? I mean, I've seen photos taken underwater, photos that clearly show the monster's flipper. How can you deny that?"
"Unfortunately, the famous photo you're talking about was not Robert Rines's original, it was an enhanced version, created by an ambitious graduate student working at NASA's Jet Propulsion Lab. It was his digital signal scanning process that fleshed-out the flipper effect, not Rines's original negative."
A heavy silence took the boat, the passengers obviously disappointed with having me shoot holes into the Loch Ness legend.
Brandy quickly attempted to lighten the mood. "Hey, folks, Invermoriston on our right, look at Invermoriston. The hamlet's surrounded by a dense forest known as the—"
"Not so fast, Dr. Wallace." An American wearing a University of Iowa T-shirt raised his hand. "James Keigan, I do a lot of freelance writing on the Internet, my blogs deal with the unexplained. After doing extensive research, I happen to agree with the experts that claim Nessie's a plesiosaur."
Nods of agreement.
"Okay, James, since you've done so much 'extensive research,' maybe you could explain to us how a plesiosaur, a prehistoric aquatic reptile that went extinct 65 million years ago, is still living in a freshwater Loch."
"First, plesiosaurs and ichthyosaurs used to live in the area of the North Sea. Do you deny that?"
"No denial here."
"And do you deny that Loch Ness was once open to the North Sea, prior to the last ice age?"
"Technically, Loch Ness still flows into the North Sea, but the depths of the River Ness are far too shallow to conceal something as large as a plesiosaur."
"I know that, but isn't it possible an undiscovered underwater passage might still exist, linking the North Sea to Loch Ness?"
"That's theory, not fact. Even so, you still haven't used your extensive research to show me how a colony of air-breathing plesiosaurs managed to escape extinction to inhabit Loch Ness without anyone actually seeing them."
"I never said it was a colony. Could just be a few survivors."
"From 65 million years ago?"
"Why not? The coelacanth was believed extinct for 300 million years, yet we discovered them to be alive, inhabiting the deep waters off the coast of Madagascar. And Loch Ness is deeper than that."
Several passengers clapped in agreement.
"Okay, but you're comparing a forty-foot reptile with a six-foot-long species of lobe-finned fish."
"What about this!" The German woman, Bibi, held up a copy of a photo she had purchased in Drumnadrochit. It was the famous "surgeon's photo," a surface shot of a long-necked animal resembling a breaching plesiosaur taken by an English gynecologist, R. K. Wilson, back in 1934.
"Sorry, Bibi, the photo's a fake. The photographer claimed the animal had been several hundred yards from shore when he shot it. An analysis of the angle of the shot and its ripples, completed decades later, proves the photographer was only about thirty yards away. The man who took it actually confessed to using a miniature model before he died."
"Attention! attention!" Brandy interrupted, "we're approaching Eileen Mhuireach, or Murdoch's Island, sometimes called Cherry Island. This island, the only one on Loch Ness, is actually a manmade structure known as a crannog. It was built back in the sixteenth century as a fortified retreat. This particular crannog is made of a raft of oak logs and heavy rocks. The whole thing's secured to the bottom using a series of wooden posts."
The passengers hardly glanced at the man-made island, their attention still focused on me.
A stocky American rose from the far end of the bench, and I recognized his wrestler's physique, which was covered in tattoos. "We met years ago, Dr. Wallace. Chris Oldham?"
"Yes. You were one of the assistant producers who worked on that NOVA special."
"That's right. 'The Beast of Loch Ness', the one that aired back in '99. Our show reunited researchers Charlie Wyckoff and Bob Rine. Anyway, if you recall, despite having access to modern sonar equipment and high-tech underwater cameras, nothing conclusive ever came out of our investigation."
"Just like all the other investigations that preceded it."
"Exactly. Now you began this little boat ride stating you felt certain something large inhabits this Loch — those were your very words. Coming from the only person ever to witness a living giant squid, well, let's just say I take your claim rather seriously. Still, everything you've said since then flies in the face of that statement."
A telltale purple spot winked at me in the corner of my right eye.
"You've eloquently told us everything the monster is not. How about telling us what you think the monster really is."
Murmurs of agreement. The passengers pushed in closer to listen. "Maybe I should clarify my earlier statement. It was just a personal belief, nothing more."
"Based upon what body of evidence?"
Brandy stepped down from the wheelhouse. "That evidence'll be explained fully on our return trip from Fort Augustus, right Dr. Wallace? As fer now, I'll need ye all to gather your belongings as we'll be docking in just a few minutes. A two-hour break'll give ye plenty o' time tae do a little sightseein' an' shoppin'. Fort Augustus is the largest village on Loch Ness, with many fine restaurants and shops. I recommend stopping at the Abbey, and ye'll definitely want to see …"
But Oldham refused to be put off by Brandy's sales pitch. "Yes or no, Dr. Wallace, do you believe large, mysterious aquatic animals inhabit Loch Ness?"