She went back to washing the wooden table. The limp-haired innkeeper came down and leered at me, which did nothing to improve my mood.
I didn’t like him listening from the common room, either.
‘Run along on your crusade,’ she said. ‘You’ll make me lose my place.’
‘I like you!’ I protested. ‘Please, ask the innkeeper, and I will take you to Father Pierre.’
Her head turned. ‘That’s much better,’ she admitted. ‘I thought we liked each other. Remember the auberge at Chateauneuf? Last year?’
I smiled. ‘With Juan?’
‘One of my best days. Give me your present, monsieur.’ She raised her head and put her hand to her back, and for a moment she was a much older woman. Remember that noble girls live longer, keep their looks longer, because they do not work from dawn to dark.
She went and whispered to the fat owner, and he shrugged. ‘Don’t come back too pious to help a customer,’ he said, but he waved.
I paused and gave him a Florentine silver coin; it was bigger than most and unclipped. He took it with some respect.
I took her to the Hospital, where the gatekeeper looked at me as if I had grown an additional head. ‘You cannot bring a slattern into the Hospital!’ he said.
Chance had caused us to reverse positions, as men will when they argue, so that I was looking back down the street out the gate, and there was ginger beard.
Before I could cajole or intimidate the gatekeeper, Father Pierre appeared mounted on a mule, with Fra Peter Mortimer and Fra Juan di Heredia at his side. He didn’t smile at me, but he smiled at Anne.
‘Ah, Daughter,’ he said, and he dismounted clumsily.
She burst into tears. I don’t think she said a word.
He whispered to her, and she sank to her knees.
He made the sign of the cross on her and when he looked at me, his mouth twitched. His eyes cut me like knives.
I couldn’t meet his eyes long, and I raised her and took her home.
In the doorway of the inn, she stopped and smiled at the ground. ‘I really prefer not to think of you as a customer.’ Then she lifted her eyes and they met mine. ‘But really …’
I put the cross around her neck. There was a pause, and I decided to kiss her neck.
She frowned, and then slipped away. ‘Do you know that man?’ she asked. She pointed out the door of inn.
Ginger beard saw her out-thrust arm — and bolted.
I shrugged. ‘He followed me here.’
She sighed. ‘Some footpad. Friend of the men you killed, perhaps?’ She kissed me, but it was sisterly. ‘I love your priest. He is everything people say he is. Go follow him. Be careful, mon cher. They mean him harm, the rich fucks, Geneva and his people.’
That’s how I left her.
I left the medical book at the Hospital with instructions that it should go to my sister.
We climbed into the Alps, headed once more for Turin, and I had days to consider meeting Richard Musard, to fence with my comrades on the road, to joust, to share cups of wine — and to think of Emile.
I had, in addition to plain lechery, been repeatedly unfaithful to her; all very well when she was distant and thought dead, but a stain on my chivalry now that I knew her to be alive. I thought about her a great deal, because I knew it was possible that I would meet her at the Green Count’s court. And because of Anne’s barb. My ‘lady’.
I had a number of reasons to be dissatisfied with myself. I pondered the twists and turns of the Bourc’s attack on us, and the only conclusion I could draw is that, despite my best efforts, I had been afraid. And despite Fra Peter’s exhortation, I was sure I should have killed him.
In fact, I thought a great deal about the two thieves I’d killed, desperate men. They had looked to me like brigands, and two of them at least had borne the stamp of men-at-arms by the way they moved, their strength.
I had been a brigand.
I hadn’t dealt well with Anne, I had betrayed Emile, I had failed to kill the Bourc and I’d slaughtered a couple of down-on-their-luck routiers when I should have knocked them out or even handed them some silver.
I went to confession with Father Pierre again, in the same ruined chapel where we’d cooked dinner a year before. It is no pleasure to confess to a man who knows you, and whose good opinion you crave. Indeed, it is even less a pleasure to confess in the damp corner of a wet stone ruin with a flickering fire twenty feet away and a circle of professional ears cocked for your every failing.
That’s just my fear speaking. God knows I never listen when some poor fellow is confessing, and I doubt they listened to me, but it made it all worse, and the rain fell on us. Father Pierre seemed immune; indeed, his patience was untouched by weather.
I confessed killing the two thieves and letting the third live. And I confessed my desire to kill the Bourc. And then I confessed to having lain with Anne, which he’d heard before — do priests tire of hearing men’s sins? Does God tire? What can be duller than repeated sin, eh? And with the farm girl in Italy.
Emile I kept to myself.
Father Pierre heard me out, all my rambling, my disputations on my own sin; all the hollow arguments of the guilty.
He smiled in the flickering firelight. ‘Killing thieves,’ he said softly. ‘Two thieves died by Jesus.’
I shrugged.
‘Listen, William, what you’d like is for me to set you some strong penance, and then you’d push yourself to accomplish it, and be cleansed.’ He shrugged and looked away.
‘Yes!’ I agreed.
‘Let me ask you a thing,’ he said, and his gentle eyes met mine. ‘If you kill a Saracen on crusade, how is that different from killing a thief in the dark streets of Avignon?’
I rubbed water from my forehead. ‘I don’t know, Father,’ I said. ‘Since they are all unshriven, they go to Hell — is that what you mean?’
‘No,’ he said, and shook his head. He took a breath and then shook his head again. ‘I don’t know either, but as I am about to lead men to die and kill, I have prayed on this subject every night. And now you set me this.’ He put his chin in his hand. ‘Let me ask you another thing. The Bourc Camus. Do you think him to be … a servant of Satan?’
Just thinking of Camus made my breath catch a little. But I paused, and saw him in my mind’s eye. ‘No,’ I said. ‘No, I think he believes it himself. But if he were Satan’s knight, surely he’d be …’ I found that I was grinning. ‘Better? Or rather, worse? More … preux? More dangerous?’
‘He may yet serve the enemy in this world and the next,’ Father Pierre agreed. ‘But yes, he seems all too human to me. And yet … he made me afraid. And for me to be afraid, I must, for a moment, have doubted God, because you know that a Christian who hopes for heaven has nothing to fear.’
‘I have never met a mortal man who did not know fear,’ I said.
‘Perhaps battle teaches a wisdom and humility that the University of Paris lacks.’ Father Pierre smiled. ‘Perhaps fear and sin come from the same wellspring, then,’ he said. ‘At any rate, I can shrive you like any village priest. But you knights … you kill. You strive hard to excel at it. You have fine words — beautiful, noble words like preux and courage to describe yourselves and your way.’ He pursed his lips. ‘Sometimes, I wonder if your way is not altogether wrong.’ He raised a hand. ‘Ah, your pardon, my son; tonight it is I who needs a confessor, not you. I do not like this mantle of authority thrust upon me. Listen, cut all the firewood from here until Turin, and while you cut dead wood, think of the living men you have killed, and say prayers for them.’ He blessed me then. ‘And stop your lechery. I am not amused by it — you are not a schoolboy. Wake up, or you will be awakened roughly.’
I went back to the fire, and he sat out in the wet.
The Green Count was not at Turin. He was at Geneva on business, but the word was that he was serious in his crusading vows, and intended to mount a campaign. Despite that, he was still very close to the Visconti of Milan, and the Pope was still on the other side of a deep political divide.