“Just now. You lied to me. I wanted-needed-to hear you tell me why you didn’t explain everything on Monday before you left. You knew Monday, when Madison came here and told you everything. And yet… You didn’t tell me. So I’ve been thinking and trying to figure out why you kept that from me, why you went to Mexico to rescue your son without even explaining to me the real reason you took the job. Nothing I thought of made sense. But I love you, and I knew you would have a good reason that I would understand.
“And then you lied to me.”
“I didn’t. That’s not what I meant!”
“You did. Why didn’t you tell me when you had the chance?”
He stared at her. This could not be happening. Lucy was emotionless. It was like she already had walked out on him. His chest tightened. “I-there wasn’t a good time. You had a tough case, an abandoned infant, missing girls, and I didn’t want you to worry about me. I had Kane-”
“Kane and everyone else knew. Everyone.” Now there was a flash of anger. Anger was good, right? That meant she still loved him. That she cared. “Kane knew. Jack knew. JT Caruso knew. Rick Stockton knew. They knew because they needed to know, because they were all part of this extraction in one way or the other. But not me. I didn’t need to know, did I?”
“Lucy-”
“I love you, Sean, and this has been the hardest three days of my life. Your attempt to once again protect me by keeping information from me hurts more than anything. It comes down to trust. I trust you explicitly. But you don’t trust me.”
“That’s nonsense! Lucy-”
“Is it nonsense? Because if you trusted me-my emotions, my ability to compartmentalize, my sanity-then you would have told me the truth and we would have worked through it. But you kept it from me because somewhere deep inside you think that I’m fragile. That I need protecting from, what, life? That lying to me, keeping secrets from me, is your way of loving me. That’s not love, Sean. It’s pity.”
“God no, Lucy, you’re wrong.” This was not happening. Lucy couldn’t be thinking like this. Sean began to panic.
“I was once broken. I know what it’s like to be in a million pieces. But I’m not broken anymore. I’m no longer fragile. You gave me hope. You gave me back the piece of me I was missing before I met you. You told me once that we were stronger together.”
“We are.”
“You don’t believe it. Because you don’t trust me to not break again under the weight of life. Life is cruel, Sean. It’s dark. It’s violent. Innocent people die and we can’t save them all. You were my light, my hope, my sanctuary.”
“I still am. Lucy, please don’t-we need to talk, we need to sleep, we need-” He couldn’t talk. The room was spinning. It was whirling away and Lucy was going with it.
“I need time, Sean. I have to think. I don’t know who I am without you. I have to find out. One thing I know, I’m not the broken girl I once was. I’m not going to be lied to or treated with kid gloves. I’m tired of telling people that I’m fine, I’m okay, I’m not falling apart because life becomes messy or the case I’m working is brutal.”
Sean couldn’t stop the tears. He did not cry, he never cried, but the tears flowed. “Don’t leave me.”
He saw the tears in Lucy’s eyes, and there was hope.
“Forgive me, Lucy. I love you so much.”
“I love you, Sean.” Her voice cracked. “I need time. I need-just-I’m going to pack a bag. I need to go away.”
“No. No! You can’t!” He grabbed her by the arms. “Don’t walk out, we have to fix this!”
“It can’t be fixed overnight.” She pulled away from him and walked up the stairs.
He started after her, then stopped, sat on the bottom step.
Lucy was leaving him. And it was all his fault.
Lucy closed the bedroom door and collapsed against the wall. She put her head on her knees and forced herself to breathe.
Walking away from Sean had been a lot harder than she thought. She focused on the lie he told-a lie she still didn’t understand. She wished she understood what he’d been thinking.
She loved him. He loved her. Why would he not tell her the truth? And then… lie about it? Lie that he didn’t have a chance to tell her? That’s what bothered her the most.
She didn’t want to leave, but she needed time and space. Distance. She had a key and the security codes to Jack’s house in Hidalgo. No… she couldn’t do that. She couldn’t leave work for a few days, and she was in no condition to drive anywhere today.
The security panel beeped. She looked up-Sean had left the house.
What was she supposed to do? Forgive him? Just like that? She wanted to, desperately, but there was that doubt in the back of her mind that he would do it all again. That his regret was only that she’d figured out he knew about Jesse before he left.
Time. Time and distance and then maybe they could find a way to pick up the pieces.
Or not. Because right now, she didn’t know if she could forgive… because she didn’t know how Sean thought of her.
She was too tired to think, too tired to do anything, really, but she had to leave before he came back. Tomorrow maybe there would be perspective. She’d get a hotel room. Noah already told her not to come in tomorrow morning. She’d sleep… if she could. Go to work. Bury herself in her job. It would save her.
It would have to.
She went down the hall to the storage closet and pulled out her travel suitcase. She packed up enough clothes for the weekend, a couple of work outfits, her toiletries. The faster she got out, the faster she could figure out what to do about… everything.
It was after six by the time Lucy walked down the stairs with her bag. She couldn’t bear to look at her house… it might be the last time she saw it. She didn’t want to leave.
She had to.
She went down the hall to the kitchen. Considered leaving Sean a note as to where she’d be, but he might not respect her wish for time. Maybe it would be better if he didn’t know where she was.
His laptop case and overnight bag were on the floor by the garage door. She picked them up and put them on the breakfast nook table.
She needed to leave him a note. Brief. Something like, We’ll talk tomorrow. Though she didn’t know what she could say. She’d said it all.
She grabbed a notepad that was next to the house phone and searched for a pen. She unzipped the side of Sean’s laptop case and felt inside for a pen. Attached to the clip was a folded piece of paper with her name on it.
Slowly, she opened it. It was dated Wednesday. Yesterday.
Dearest Lucy ~
In case everything goes sideways tonight, I need you to know that I loved you with a passion and joy that knows no bounds.
Lucy sat down. He went into the rescue thinking he might die.
You are everything to me. My beginning and my ending. You have made me a better person, a better man, a better brother, a better friend. You are my strength. I see in you a glow that humbles me, and always makes me want to do better.
I’m gone now, but you’re not. You have an amazing life ahead of you. You have family and friends who love you. But more than that, you have you. You are stronger than you know; you are braver than you think. You have always told me that I am the light in your darkness; princess, you are my light. You are my life.
You’re going to learn that Jesse Spade is my son. I didn’t know until Monday when Madison told me; I wanted to tell you, I don’t know what stopped me. I think… deep down… that you would think I was a lesser person. That I should have known that I had a son. That I should have talked to my ex-girlfriend, figured it out. But I didn’t know, and I hate that I didn’t know.
And I think in the back of my mind, I knew you had a tough case. I didn’t want you to worry about me. Or be thinking that this was anything but a normal rescue situation. I wanted you to focus 100% on your case. I wanted you to find the lost girls. Distractions can mess with our heads, they can lead to mistakes-I should know. I have made many mistakes.