The Magic Fart
Piers Anthony
The Magic Fart copyright © 2003,2005 by Piers Anthony Jacob
Mundania Press LLC 6470A Glenway Ave #109 Cincinnati, Ohio 45211
To order additional copies of this book, contact: books@mundania.com www.mundania.com
Cover Design © 2005 by Stacey L. King Book Design and Layout by Daniel J. Reitz, Sr. Book Production and Promotion by Bob Sanders Edited by Daniel J. Reitz, Sr. and Audra A. F. Brooks
eBook ISBN-13: 978-1-59426-009-4
First Edition—August 2003 Second Edition—September 2005 Library of Congress Catalog Card Number 2003108296
Production by Mundania Press LLC
Part 1: Challenge
Chapter 1—E Mission
Prior was bored. It had been a year since his great adventure on Mt. Icecream, where he had challenged the five deadly branches of the Cherry Tree, won the remarkable Spire, and finally recovered his small natural penis. He would hardly care to do that again, but had to admit that ordinary existence was downright dull in comparison.
Well, there was nothing wrong with dullness that couldn’t be cured by a good outrageous fuck. He would have to go out to the slots, though he really craved something a bit more romantic. But he had no girlfriend, and high quality call girls were beyond his means. So he girded his loin for something considerably less enticing.
His doorbell rang. He sighted through the peephole and saw a comely but moderately severe young woman holding a rich bouquet. What was this? He hadn’t ordered any flowers. It must be a mistake. He opened the door. “I think you have the wrong—”
“Prior Gross?” the woman inquired crisply.
“Yes, but—”
“From a secret admirer,” she said, putting the bouquet into his hand.
The blooms had a strong aroma that threatened to intoxicate his outlook. He saw no identifying card. “What admirer?”
She wedged by him and stood inside the room, closing the door behind her. “Me.” This was highly flattering, but surely still a mistake.
“Do I know you?”
“Just call me Suzie.”
“Look, Suzie, I’m just an ordinary guy with no money to spare, so if you figure to charge me some outrageous fee for a spot dalliance, forget it.”
She gazed at him, her eyes turning round. Then they brimmed. “Oh!” she sobbed. “You think I’m one of those types.” She hid her face in her hands. She looked younger than he had taken her for, and far less composed.
Prior felt like a well-worn heel. “I’m sorry,” he said. “Of course you’re not.”
She continued to sniffle into her handkerchief, which seemed to have appeared from nowhere. “I just wanted to please you with my, my flowers, because you’re such a nice man, and you hate me.”
“I don’t!” he said, putting his arm around her heaving shoulders. “I don’t know what got into me. How can I make it up to you?”
“I just want you to like me,” she said tearfully. “You’re so wonderful.”
What could he do? “Of course I like you,” he said gallantly. “I just think you’ve got the wrong, um, address.”
“But aren’t you the great man who conquered the Cherry Tree and won the Spire?”
Had she been reading his private thoughts? “Well, yes. But aside from that, I’m nobody.”
“You’re still my hero!” She looked up at him, her eyes seeming larger and brighter. “I just know you’re the one.” There was still something missing here.
“The one for what?”
“The one to take my innocent maidenhood and make me a real woman. I so much want it to be you. Promise me you’ll be gentle.” This put a different complexion on it.
“You came here for your first sexual experience?”
“I just know it will be better with you than with anyone else. Because you know it all, and I know nothing. Please say you’ll do it.” Yet this was remarkably sudden. What was the catch?
“I’m not sure this is smart.” Her eyes filled again.
“You think I’m repulsive!”
“No, you’re not!” Indeed, her figure under her dress was robust, with her breasts swelling eagerly.
“Oh, thank you, Mr. Gross! Tell me what to do.”
“You really want this? Sex with me?”
“With all my heart!” Indeed, her pulse was showing in her neck, making her breasts quiver under the tight nightie.
“In that case, all right,” he said with enthusiasm. “First, take off your clothes and lie on the bed.”
Her remaining clothing vanished as she appeared on the bed, one bare leg lifted. “Like this?”
“Exactly like that,” he agreed, scrambling out of his own clothing. He got on the bed beside her. “Now first I’ll kiss you.”
“Like this?” she asked, suddenly up against him full length, her lips pressing against his.
“Close enough,” he agreed. “Next, I’ll stroke your breasts.”
“Oh, yes,” she agreed, catching his hand and guiding it to her warm full bosom.
“Right. Finally, I’ll—”
“Put on a condom.”
He paused. “What?”
“A condom. Don’t you know why?”
He hardly paused for reflection. He did know why, and it wasn’t for any reason anyone else would understand. “Um, yes.”
He began to get off the bed, when a condom appeared in his hand. Oh, of course. He put it to his stiff penis, and it spread itself over it to the base. He got above her. “Now spread your legs.” She spread them, lifted them, and wrapped them around his hips.
“Like this?”
“It will do.” He angled his sheathed member, guiding it down into her open vulva. She lifted her bottom to meet him, and in a moment he was deep inside her and pumping furiously. The condom masked the sensation somewhat, so he had to work harder to get there.
“Don’t forget the rest,” she said, reaching up to catch his head and bring it down to her face. She tongued him in time with his thrusts, and her vagina squeezed his member rhythmically.
He came with rare power, wondering whether it was possible to blow out a condom by the force of ejaculation. That was probably just a male conceit, but it was the way it felt.
“Oh!” she gasped, milking him with her cleft. “Great! You really showed me how.”
He hadn’t shown her anything, but it had nevertheless been great, as she said. He collapsed on her resilient breasts, letting her strip the rest of his semen from his system. “Yeah.”
“When did you catch on?”
He played the game a moment more. “Catch on to what, Suzie?”
She laughed. “You know I’m demonic, and not capable of caring much about any mortal. But I think I care for you, Prior. You treat me like a real person, and you play the game. But I know I made some mistakes. What was the first?”
“Your clothing. First you were in a female suit, then a dress, then a nightie, then nothing. Without having to do any of it by hand.” He withdrew from her and lay on his back.
“I got carried away by the role,” she agreed. “Was that all?”
“Apart from the fact that no woman or girl is that hot for me, you were too proficient. You would have been better with a hymen and some awkwardness.”
She sighed. “My nature defeats me. But I’ll keep working on it. I was afraid it was the condom.”
“No, sensible girls do prefer it, so they won’t get pregnant or catch a disease. They don’t realize that my smegma cures all venereal diseases, even AIDS. Of course when you conjured it right into my hand and it put itself on me, that would have been a giveaway.”