Wolf was curled up nearby, watching her. He sniffed the air, lifted his head and looked, and banged his tail against the ground, signaling the approach of someone friendly. Ayla turned, and felt her face flush and her heart pound.
"I was hoping I'd find you alone, Ayla. I'd like to talk to you, if you don't mind," Jondalar said, in a strangely subdued voice.
"No, I don't mind," she said.
He was shaved, his light hair pulled back neatly and tied at the nape of his neck, and he was wearing one of his new outfits from Tulie. He looked so good to her – handsome was the word Deegie used – he almost took her breath away, and her voice caught in her throat. But it was more than his appearance that moved Ayla. Even when he was wearing Talut's hand-me-downs, he looked good to her. His presence filled the space around him and touched her, as though he were a glowing ember that warmed her, even standing apart. It was a warmth that was not heat, but larger, more filling, and she wanted to touch that warmth, ached to feel it enfold her, and swayed toward him. But something in his eyes held her back, something ineffably sad that she had not seen there before. She stood quietly, waiting for him to speak.
He closed his eyes for a moment, gathering his thoughts, not sure how to begin. "Do you remember, when we were together in your valley, before you could speak very well, you wanted to tell me something once that was important, but you didn't know the words for it? You began to speak to me in signs – I remember thinking your movements were beautiful, almost like a dance."
She remembered only too well. She had been trying to tell him then what she wished she could tell him now: how she felt about him, how he filled her with a feeling that she still had no words for. Even to say she loved him was not enough.
"I'm not sure there are words to say what I need to say. 'Sorry' is just a sound that comes out of my mouth, but I don't know how else to say it. I'm sorry, Ayla, more than I can say. I had no right to force you, but I can't take back what has already been done. I can only say it won't ever happen again. I'll be leaving soon, as soon as Talut thinks it's safe to travel. This is your home. People here care about you… I love you. You are Ayla of the Mamutoi. I am Jondalar of the Zelandonii. It's time for me to go home."
Ayla couldn't speak. She looked down, trying to hide the tears she couldn't hold back, then turned around and began to rub down Whinney, unable to look at Jondalar. He was leaving. He was going home and he hadn't asked her to go with him. He didn't want her. He didn't love her. She swallowed her sobs as she rubbed the brush over the horse. Not since she'd lived with the Clan had she fought so hard to hold back tears, struggled not to show them.
Jondalar stood there, staring at her back. She doesn't care, he thought. I should have left a long time ago. She had turned her back on him; he wanted to turn around and leave her to her horses, but the silent body language of her motions signaled a message that he couldn't put into words. It was only a sense, a feeling that something wasn't right, but it made him reluctant to go.
"Ayla…?"
"Yes," she said, keeping her back turned and struggling to keep her voice from cracking.
"Is there… anything I can do before I leave?"
She didn't answer immediately. She wanted to say something that would change his mind, and tried frantically to think of a way to bring him closer to her, to keep him interested. The horses, he liked Racer. He liked riding him.
"Yes, there is," she finally said, fighting to sound normal.
He had turned to go when she didn't answer, but turned back quickly.
"You could help me train Racer… as long as you're here. I don't have as much time to take him out as I should." She allowed herself to turn around and face him again.
Did he imagine that she looked pale, that she was trembling? "I don't know how long I'll be here," he said, "but I'll do what I can." He started to say more, he wanted to tell her he loved her and that he was leaving because she deserved more. She deserved someone who would love her without reservation, someone like Ranec. He looked down while he searched for the right words.
Ayla was afraid she wouldn't be able to hold back the tears much longer. She turned to the mare and began to brush her again, then dropped the brush and was astride her and riding in one smooth action. Jondalar looked up and stepped back a few paces, surprised, and watched Ayla and the mare galloping up the slope, with Racer and the young wolf following behind. He stood there long after they were out of sight, then slowly walked back to the lodge.
The anticipation and tension were so intense on the night before the Spring Festival that no one could sleep. Both children and adults stayed up late. Latie was in a state of especially high excitement, feeling impatient one moment and nervous the next about the short puberty ceremony that would announce her readiness to begin preparations for the Celebration of Womanhood that would take place at the Summer Meeting.
Though she had reached physical maturity, her womanhood would not be complete until the ceremony that would culminate in the First Night of Pleasures when a man would open her so that she could receive the impregnating spirits joined by the Mother. Only when she was capable of motherhood was she considered a woman in all respects and, therefore, available for establishing a hearth and joining with a man to form a union. Until then, she would exist in the in-between state of no-longer-child but not-yet-woman, when she would learn about womanhood, motherhood, and men from older women and Those Who Served the Mother.
The men, except for Mamut, had been chased out of the Mammoth Hearth. All the women had gathered there while Latie was being instructed, for the ceremony the next night, to offer moral support, advice, and helpful suggestions to the fledgling woman. Though she was there as an older woman, Ayla was learning as much as the young woman.
"You won't have much to do tomorrow night, Latie," Mamut was explaining. "Later you will have more to learn, but this is just to give notice. Talut will make the announcement, then I will give you the muta. Keep it in a safe place until you are ready to establish your own hearth."
Latie, sitting in front of the old man, nodded, feeling shy, but rather enjoying all the attention.
"You understand, after tomorrow, you must never be alone with a man, or even speak to any man alone, until you are fully a woman," Mamut said.
"Not even Danug or Druwez?" Latie asked.
"No, not even them," he said. The old shaman explained that during this transitional time, when she lacked the protection of both the guardian spirits of childhood and the full power of womanhood, she was considered very vulnerable to malignant influences. She would be required to stay within the watchful eye of some woman at all times, and must not even be alone with her brother or her cousin.
"What about Brinan? Or Rydag?" the young woman asked.
"They are still children," Mamut said. "Children are always safe. They have protective spirits hovering around all the time. That's why you must be protected now. Your guardian spirits are leaving you, making way for the life force, the Mother's power, to enter."
"But Talut or Wymez wouldn't harm me. Why can't I talk to them alone?"
"Male spirits are drawn to the life force, just as you will find that men are drawn to you now. Some male spirits are jealous of the Mother's power. They may try to take it from you, at this time, when you are vulnerable. They cannot use it to create life, but it is a powerful force. Without proper precaution, a male spirit may enter and even if he doesn't steal your life force, he may damage or overpower it. Then you may never have children, or your desires may become those of a male, and you will wish to share Pleasures with women."