“Now for a wrap-up of some smaller news items. . . . The South’s inimitable Strom suggested today that Senators who are blocking the latest presidential appointment to the Supreme Court should be deported to Africa, since that’s obviously where their sympathies lie. And the prospective appointee himself issued a statement saying he was proud of his role in the attempted assassination plot against Dick Gregory since it was obviously in the national interest. As to charges that he embezzled funds from the local Red Cross chapter while serving as chairman, the nominee insisted that the thirteen thousand dollars involved was legitimate payment for donating blood. Having known this man for twenty years, I can tell you that it’s good red American blood and our President couldn’t have chosen a finer candidate to offset the Court’s obviously pinko philosophy! . . . The Post Office Department today impounded some eight million copies of two underground newspapers, The Washington Post and The New York Times. In keeping with the administration crackdown on obscene, slanted, and commie-inspired material which may fall into the hands of children and warp young minds, the publishers and editors of the two illegal publications have been taken into custody under the Agnew Act. As an example of the sort of propaganda these filthy sheets are printing, the administration cited a recent Times editorial which stated that it was difficult to evaluate the President’s latest Vietnam proclamation unless one could read it in the original German. Such gobbledegook may pass for humor among the limp-wristed commie intelligentsia, but just plain folks like you and me ain’t a-gonna put up with it any longer. So three cheers for the Post Office Department. And it’s reassuring to know that when and if those publishers get out of jail, the vigilantes of the loyal, silent majority will be waiting for them! . . . The Governor of California, following through on the President’s request, today announced the results of the inquiry into the UCLA-Whittier football game. You may remember that Whittier lost by twenty points. The Whittier coach claimed that the referee was biased, and today’s decision bears out that claim. Whittier is now the official winner of the game. The President has announced that the fifty dollars he won on the game will be donated to the Whittier Grape Growers’ Association for the Preservation of Right to Work Laws. . . .
“And now, for my closing editorial, I would like to address myself to the parents of this great nation of ours. Although the infamous baby-doctor has long since received his just desserts as a traitor to his country, his insidious philosophy continues to permeate our society. Permissiveness, in all its treacherous, pinko-inspired forms continues to undermine our institutions. In this context I would like to cite the shameful incident in which a company of American soldiers recently refused to expose themselves to enemy fire. Quite simply, these boys refused to obey orders. They were disobedient! I ask you, from whence springs such lack of respect for authority, such contempt for the most basic military discipline? The answer is that there are no undisciplined children without the permissiveness of parents who refuse to face up to their responsibility to discipline their offspring. Instant gratification—in this case, the willful resistance to the sacrifice of one’s life in the cause of freedom—is what the young people are demanding. It is the obligation of their parents, of older citizens who recognize their responsibility to this country, to frustrate this demand for instant gratification. Give in once, as in the example I cited, and the result will be chaos. How then will we be able to fight for the preservation of democratic ideals? But resistance to the demands of the young must start in the home; it must start early; it must be firm and unyielding. I tell you, my fellow citizens, that the undermining of our country began when the first parent shucked his obligation to toilet train his child. I tell you that freedom of the potty is license to rebel! Our young people flaunt morality, and do you know why? Because the very first time an infant reaches for those sacred and unmentionable areas of his body, the parent ignores his responsibility to punish that infant, to slap the offending hand, to tie it if necessary so that it cannot reach the filthy organs and supply instant gratification. We are all frustrated! What right has this younger generation to demand that it should not be frustrated? The first time you turn your back on a masturbating child, you are raising a child who will grow up to turn his back on everything this country holds dear. Where would this country be if the American Revolution had been left in the hands of bed-wetters and onanists? We’d all be talking with limey accents-—heh-heh—that’s where! Discipline! It must be reestablished in the home! In line with this necessity, I am asking the administration to introduce a bill making it a federal crime for a parent to refuse to toilet train his child, for a parent to allow filthy self-fondling in the years between infancy and adolescence, for a parent to refuse to spank a naughty child when prevailing community standards indicate such action! In my house, human organs are untouched by human hands! So must it be in the nation! Let our motto be one of awareness! Let our motto be: Spare the rod and spoil the country! . . . Thank you for listening, and good night.”
The Veep was replaced by the announcer on the screen. “This program has been cosponsored by the Pentagon and the Defense Department with—”
The President turned off the TV set and turned to Jonathan Relevant. “What I like about the Veep is his impartiality,” he said. “How did you like it?”
“Whatever happened to Huntley and Brinkley?” Jonathan Relevant inquired.
“I’m not sure, but I think they come up for parole soon. Of course,” the President added matter-of-factly, “it will be denied.”
“Of course.”
“What did you think of the Vice President’s editorial?”
“I thought it was a lot of crap, Mr. President.”
“Wasn’t it, though? You know, that’s one thing I really envy about the Vice President—his ability to spew crap. Not all of us are so fortunate.” The President sighed. “Well, Mr. Relevant, let’s get back to you. I suppose you know that you’re to be turned over to the UN?”
“Leander Pigbaigh told me.”
“Yes. But I wanted to talk to you personally first. You see, the Russians claim that you should be returned to them. We claim that you asked for sanctuary in the United States.”
“But that’s not true, Mr. President.”
“Yes, well— The point is that the Security Council will probably leave the choice up to you. I’m concerned that you choose wisely.”
“You mean choose the United States, Mr. President?”
“Yes.”
“Why should I?”
“Why shouldn’t you?”
“Songymy!”
“Surely you wouldn’t prefer Russia?” The President quickly tried another approach.
“There are other alternatives. There are other countries.”
“Perhaps. But I’d like you to choose the United States.”
“I’ll consider it, Mr. President,” Jonathan Relevant promised.
“But you won’t commit yourself?” The President looked at him shrewdly.
“No, sir.”
The President had prepared many arguments meant to determine Jonathan Relevant’s decision. He had planned alternatives intended to influence, to coerce, to force if necessary. He had the ammunition to reason, to cajole, to intimidate. But now, as he sat face to face with Jonathan Relevant, the President was suddenly without the will to fire.