The night after his last big bender and Braulio’s arrogant phone call about the Monday morning pickup, Miguel calls Guillermo and says he needs to talk to him immediately.
“In private.”
“Here I am.”
“No phones. I’ll pick you up at six at your apartment and we’ll go to the usual watering hole downtown.”
* * *
They chitchat on the drive along Las Américas Boulevard and Reforma to Zone 1. The streets are empty of people and cars, not surprising for a Sunday night.
“What’s on your mind?” Guillermo asks as soon as they are seated at Café Europa.
“I want to know how you are.”
“To be honest, I wish I were dead.” He confesses to Miguel that he has thought long and hard about it and wants to take his life: he simply doesn’t want to live anymore. He knows that the cocktail of antidepressants, mood stabilizers, and sleeping pills, plus all the booze, are not helping him to think clearly, but he has nothing to keep him alive. Not even his children — the birthday call was, after all, an exception.
“My life is over,” Guillermo says, without much emotion. He has just downed three straight shots of Flor de Caña rum. When his eyes meet the waiter’s, he orders two more shots.
Miguel is sipping Ron Zacapa, to give his friend company. It is his first and only drink of the night. “But you must consider your children—”
“They would be better off without me.”
“How can you say that?”
“I know. They are doing well in Mexico City. Rosa Esther is a marvelous mother. When I call to talk to them, I get the feeling that I am pulling them away from something they would rather be doing.”
“But this is natural. They are angry at you.” Miguel is not only a self-proclaimed facilitator and the head of his own private spying network, but also a bit of a psychologist. “They would never recover if you were to simply kill yourself.”
Guillermo nods. He remembers their voices on his birthday. Sweet. They were concerned. He looks back at Miguel and nearly forgets why they are there. “I don’t know anything about you. Are you married? Do you have children?”
“None of that matters. You know you can trust me.”
Guillermo answers this comment with a blink.
Miguel pats him on the shoulders. “My private life is so boring. I’ve been married to Inés Argueta for thirty-eight years. We have four children, all in their thirties. Two of them, the girls, are living in the States, married. The boys are in Europe. One is studying theater and working part-time in a restaurant in Seville. The other works for a Scottish bank in London.”
The waiter arrives with more drinks and a basket of potato chips. He looks at Miguel before putting them down. Miguel nods, making Guillermo laugh.
“And to think that I have someone I don’t really know, a father of four children, watching over me,” he says, gulping down more rum.
“You’re drinking a lot these days. I wonder if the depression you feel is related to it. You should cut down on your alcohol intake, if you don’t mind me saying.”
Guillermo runs his hand through his hair. Drinking is the least of his problems. He needs to sleep peacefully, but his mind has become a feeding trough for nightmares and sudden fears. “And what would you have me do? Drink milk? Become a choir boy? Study for the priesthood?”
“You can’t let your life deteriorate like this. You need to sober up a bit. You have to get control of yourself. The liquor is poisoning your system.”
Guillermo has read such poppycock in popular magazines. As befuddled as he is, he is not brain-dead just yet. You can’t control your life as if it were a steering wheel. He knows why he doesn’t want to sober up. “So what do you advise, Mr. Freud?”
“Well, if you want to die, make sure your death has meaning.”
“Make sure my death. .” he says absentmindedly. He takes his glass, swirls the golden liquid, and drinks it down. The rawness makes him wince, as if he were drinking grain alcohol. He can’t stop thinking about himself with a morose self-pity. This is the source of his inertia: his inability to rouse his soul.
Through the fog, he hears Miguel declare: “Well, if you want to kill yourself, then at least make it worthwhile. Meaningful. You can help bring the government down like a house of cards, for example.”
“Say what?”
“Let your death count for something. Make it meaningful. To your family, to the country you love so much. Look,” Miguel says, grabbing Guillermo’s hand and moving it away from the rum, “I am very fond of you. The last thing I would want is for you to kill yourself. At the same time, I cannot judge the depth of your depression. Your wife has abandoned you, your kids are living in another country. Your law practice is in disarray. A friend and client has been killed and so has the love of your life. If I had suffered all those blows, perhaps I too would be as lost as you are. But you can’t continue to indulge yourself like this. What I do know is that no matter what you decide to do, it should have some sort of meaning beyond yourself. And that meaning can create a positive outcome that will be useful to others, maybe even to society. You should consider that.”
Guillermo picks up a new glass. He has no idea where Miguel is going, but the train of thought has sobered him up: he wants to hear more. He sounds like a priest with a direct line to God, and the message he is delivering is not garbled, though it is in a code Guillermo has not yet deciphered. “All this sounds like some kind of variation of your theory of actionable information,” he finally slurs.
“Not at all,” says Miguel. He is clearly bothered by how Guillermo is muddling things up. “My actionable information theory is related to producing something tangible: making money based on truths that you and no one else has, or creating a positive situation based on the destruction of something rotten. Right now I am talking about something incredibly powerfuclass="underline" sacrificing your own personal desire for the greater good. True love of country.”
“You sound like a Marxist.”
Miguel shakes his head. “It is quite the opposite. I’m not arguing for you to usher in the dictatorship of the proletariat, but for you to execute a patriotic act,” he says triumphantly. “Guillermo, I know that you love Guatemala.”
“I do. The quaint Indians, the majestic volcanoes, Lake Atitlán,” Guillermo responds, citing some banal tourist-brochure claptrap. What he wants to say is that he has dedicated his whole life to making Guatemala a better place to live for his children and grandchildren — who will now spend the rest of their days in Mexico.
“Did you ever read Camus’s The Stranger?”
“I read it in French in high school. L’étranger—in Madame Raccah’s class. She was our French teacher from Tunisia. She later tutored Rosa Esther. All my classmates thought the novel was a superb piece of fiction.”
“Well, I think it is totally stupid.”
“I only remember that it takes place in Algeria or somewhere in Northern Africa. And that it is terribly hot.”
“Exactly,” Miguel says. “The protagonist is a guy who kills an Arab simply because the sun is driving him crazy and he discovers that someone has placed a gun in his hands. I personally can’t imagine a motivation so stupid. The French protagonist kills an Arab — a bad Arab for sure, a troublemaker — but for no real reason. It’s a murder that has no effect on anything other than his own death by hanging. Can you imagine anything so foolish? To kill someone because you can’t stand the heat? His death has no repercussions in society beyond the act itself! How insipid is that?”
“Well, if I could kill Samir I would be extremely happy.”
“But what would killing him actually accomplish? It would be an act of malice with no benefit to the greater society. Maybe if things were switched: if killing him would bring Maryam back to life: that would make you happy, and therefore return you to a position to benefit society. But to kill that old man — what would be gained? You would be arrested for murder and eventually sentenced to death. Even if Maryam were alive, the two of you would never be together. It would be something else if you killed Samir and you and Maryam were able to escape to live together somewhere, happily ever after—”