Something in me told me to leave, since I couldn’t see any benefit in his delirious ranting. But I rejected the idea angrily. After all, it pained me to think of turning on my heels after having come this far. So I gathered my strength, exerting a greater effort than I could usually endure to keep my timidity and nervousness at bay.
Then I said softly, “I want to get married.”
In response, the drunk man resumed his odious guffawing. Then he said in astonishment, “Why doesn’t our family ever get over this pernicious malady? Your sister was on pins and needles for me to choose a husband for her the way I ought to. Then she ran off with a strange man and married him. And that brother of yours had hardly started to sprout whiskers when he found himself in his bride’s arms. I’m not trying to justify myself, since I tried to be a husband once, twice, and a third time. What a strange family! Maybe you need money in order for this marriage you want to come about? I wouldn’t rule it out, since marriage, even if it is a malady as I’ve said, is something we spend huge sums on. This alone is sufficient evidence of human beings’ madness. And maybe you’ve put yourself through the disagreeable experience of seeing me in order to ask me for money that you can use to tie the knot. I don’t think it unlikely. But where will I get the money you’re asking for? Have people told you that I’m rich and prosperous? I don’t deny that I have a monthly income of forty pounds in addition to the rent I get from the second floor of the house. However, don’t lose sight of my expenses. Take the cook, for example, who robs me of twenty pounds a month. If it occurs to me to check up on him, he makes my head spin with a long bill that I can’t make heads or tails of. Then there’s liquor, too, of which I need two bottles a day, and that comes to more than fifteen pounds a month. What’s left after all that is just barely enough to pay for other necessities such as clothes, cigarettes, salaries for the gatekeeper and the servant, and fare for the carriage that takes me down some nearby streets when I get tired of staying at home. I’ve got nothing in the bank. In fact, I treat my indigestion with folk remedies. Don’t ask me for money, son. God knows I say this to my regret. Why don’t you follow your brother’s example and marry without having to pay a cent? And if you really want my advice, don’t get married at all!”
As he glanced over at me with his drifting eyes, he looked repulsive and detestable. He got out his pack of cigarettes, took one out and lit it, then began smoking it with relish. He began watching the cigarette smoke with his lackluster eyes, and it seemed as though he’d forgotten me. Then it occurred to me that he was deliberately tormenting me. I was filled with bitterness and anger, but I sat there motionless, all the while feeling more and more desperate and disappointed.
A long silence ensued, during which he turned toward me and cast me a vacuous look. Then his broad mouth broke into a smile.
“Won’t you have a smoke?” he asked.
“No,” I replied.
We fell silent again. Wouldn’t it be best for me to go? I wondered. And indeed, I would have jumped up to leave if it hadn’t been for something unexpected that happened just then. As I gazed at him in bewilderment and alarm, a look of fatigue came over him, his forehead began dripping with perspiration, and his eyes roamed the place as though they didn’t see a thing. I saw a nervous twitch to the right side of his mouth, after which his right eye teared up. I expected something frightening to happen, the nature of which I couldn’t identify. However, the condition passed quickly. His face relaxed and his eyes recovered the negligible bit of life that generally appeared in them. Then he looked my way again. The vague fear I’d felt left me, only to be replaced by a return of the desperation, disappointment, and hatred I’d been feeling before. I pondered with incredulity the reality before my eyes, namely, that this man was my father, the man who had brought me into the world. This called to mind other, related, realities that appeared to me in concrete images which caused me pain and grief. I hurt so much, I was in a near-daze for a while. Then, unaware of myself, I heaved an audible sigh.
Awakening anew to my presence, he asked me for the second time, “Won’t you smoke?”
I shook my head in the negative.
“What a good boy you are!” he exclaimed mockingly. “Your only fault is that you want to get married. Talk to me about this idea of yours. Is it just a desire to marry, or have you got a particular girl in mind?” (At this point, my heart beat wildly, and I almost got tears in my eyes.) “That’s how it seems to me. So, how is love these days? No doubt it’s still treated with the greatest of seriousness, and still has same power to pull the wool over people’s eyes. Nevertheless, I’ll say it again as a man with experience: marriage is bondage. Imagine a woman owning you. My advice to you is not to get married at all. Take it from me as a man who’s been there. Marriage is bondage. Imagine a woman owning you, and never mind what you’ve been told to the effect that you’re the one who’ll own her, since it’s a stinking lie. She’ll wear you out, rob your money, take away your freedom. And as if that weren’t enough, she’ll gradually take control of your spirit and everything you own to take care of her and her children! Then if you die, she’ll go looking for another man even before her tears have had a chance to dry. Marriage is a ridiculous affair that I couldn’t bear for more than one night!”
My heart reeled at the force of the thrust, which pierced to the quick, and in spite of myself, I uttered a groan from the depths of my being. He looked at me stupidly, and I glared back at him. I was so enraged I nearly threw the bottle in his face. However, I wasn’t the type of person who acts on such thoughts, and I felt defeated by my weakness. I also felt an urge to cry, which I resisted as best I could.
“Have I hurt you, son?” he asked in astonishment.
“Good day!” I shouted at him as I rose to my feet in a rage.
The very next moment I regretted having let these words escape. Even so, I left the place without looking back. I headed for the street, fuming and cursing all the way: I couldn’t bear it for more than one night! God! If a thousand blows had come down on the back of my neck in a public square, they wouldn’t have hurt me the way that one statement had! I was so distraught, my eyes welled up with tears and I let myself cry, taking cover in the darkness that had fallen like a pall over the universe. There was no hope of his helping me in any way. His death alone would be able to change my life. Indeed, there was no hope whatsoever in anything but his death. As I got on the tram, my wandering mind went to work as usual, dispelling my anxieties with its unruly dreams. I saw myself sitting with Medhat and my sister Radiya dividing up my father’s estate after his death. I suggested that we sell the big house, to which they agreed immediately, and in the twinkling of an eye I became the owner of a thousand pounds. Yet my mother didn’t appear in the dream even once. I met with my sweetheart’s father and spoke to him courageously of my desire to marry into his family, and everything went without a hitch. Thoughts like these brought me a satisfaction that relieved the tension that had been generated by that frightening, ill-fated visit. However, I quickly recalled how the dream hadn’t even acknowledged my mother’s existence. A tremor of fear and revulsion went through my body and my heart shrank in bitterness and remorse. How could I have allowed that satanic thought to pollute my soul again? The feeling of indignation and anger stayed with me the entire way home, and I repeated over and over, “O Lord, bless me by granting her a long life!” But it did me no good. I returned home divided and troubled, and I didn’t feel at peace with myself until I’d planted a long, fervent kiss on her forehead.