54
As we were waiting for the tram together on the fourth day, Rabab said to me, “I’ll be late coming home today, since I’m going to visit a colleague of mine who’s been absent from the school for the past two days.”
I shot her a suspicious look which, if she’d seen it, would have led to no good. Then I quickly looked down, holding my feelings in check.
“Where does she live?” I asked nonchalantly.
“In Heliopolis.”
“And when will you be back?”
“The time the visit takes plus the time I need to get back.… I’ll be back by seven at the latest.”
So, she’d begun trying to avoid my oppressive company! I stole a furtive glance at her, and she looked dazzling to me. But the next moment I was gripped by a sudden impulse to fall on her with an ax and split her in two. When the tram arrived and we got on, I was in a bad way indeed. I got off the tram at the ministry stop and hailed a taxi, which delivered me posthaste to the Nubians’ coffee shop. I greeted the closed window with a long look, then returned to my thoughts. That visit to Heliopolis. I wasn’t going to let her go alone. I was determined to follow her somehow, but would my effort succeed? Supposing I trailed her to Heliopolis, then saw her going into a house or a building. How could I possibly know what lay within its four walls? She might really be visiting a colleague of hers, or she might be in a lover’s arms. Trembling violently, I bit down till I could hear my teeth grating against each other. However, I was determined not to go back on my resolve. I would follow her, and perhaps I’d see the two of them together in the street. In fact, I might find it easier than I’d imagined to catch her in the act. This is so horrible! I thought. At the same time, though, it was the most likely thing to bring me relief. After all, if catastrophe was bound to strike, it would be more merciful for it to happen quickly. Overwhelmed by anxiety and apprehension, I was certain I wouldn’t be able to endure the day. I looked over at the closed window and fixed my gaze on it in something like a cry for help. I felt as though I were being crushed by a violent force, and I longed for an outlet for some of the fierce emotions that raged deep inside me. I ached to get things off my chest, even if the process brought guilt and ignominy in its wake. At ten o’clock the window opened and the homely face greeted me with a bright smile. My attention shifted to her, delivering me from myself. I fixed my gaze on her with a boldness I’d never known myself to have. My features relaxed in spite of myself, and I reciprocated her greeting. She disappeared from the window, and my eyes preceded her to the balcony. However, the wait lasted longer than usual. Then she appeared in the window again, and what should I find but that she’d put on a coat and gotten ready to go out. A thought flashed through my mind like lightning: Was she going to invite me to go somewhere with her? A wave of pleasure, indecision, and fear came over me. How badly I needed the invitation! But did I dare leave Rabab on this crucial day? It was a day worth an entire lifetime! My very fate was bound to Heliopolis. Still, how was I going to resist the woman’s invitation if it came? She finished making herself up, then stood there looking at me, beaming and relaxed. Then she looked at something in front of her. My eyes followed her, and what should I find but that her fingers were folding up a small piece of paper, then refolding it from both ends. She looked up and down the street, then threw it, and it landed near my feet. I picked it up hurriedly and unfolded it. Redolent with an intoxicating perfume, it contained these words: “Wait for me at seven sharp this evening at the bridge at the end of the tram line.” I was relieved to find that she’d unwittingly given me some lead time. But would I be able to keep the appointment if I agreed to it? Wasn’t there something in Heliopolis that would keep me from it? I didn’t have time to think, as she was peering at me questioningly and waiting for my response. Hence, I had no choice but to nod my head in agreement. Smilingly at me sweetly, she bade me adieu with a nod of her head, then closed the window. I understood that she must be going out on a visit or some such thing. Thus it was that, propelled forward by that weakness in me that doesn’t know how to say no, I’d committed myself to the proposed rendezvous even though I didn’t know where I’d be at the agreed upon time. And thus it was, also, that I’d fallen into the very transgression I was accusing my wife of! Was I likely to be glad that I’d taken this daring step, or would I live to regret it? Would the day end with love, or in tragedy? How I loathed life at that moment! I merged with a stream of consciousness that was a kaleidoscope of conflicting emotions: from joy to fear, from hope to despair, and from eagerness to apathy. At last, though, it was topped off with a wave of longing for adventure as a way to escape from the burden of worry that had brought me to my knees and nearly run me into the ground. After reading the paper countless times, I folded it up and slipped it in my pocket.