The admission- the confession of weakness- clenched her jaws. I said, "Was Dr. Harrison the one who introduced you to Pierce?"
"I met Pierce at the end of… by the time I was better, able to take care of things, again. I was still talking to Dr. Harrison from time to time but was off the antidepressants, just like he said I'd be."
She leaned forward, suddenly. "Do you really know Dr. H? Well enough to understand what kind of man he is? When we first started talking, he used to come over every day to see how I was doing. Every day. One time I came down with the flu and couldn't do my chores and he did them for me. Everything- vacuumed the house, washed and dried the dishes, fed the horses, cleaned up the stables. He did that for four days running, even made trips into town for supplies. If I'd paid him by the hour, I'd be dead broke."
I knew Bert was a good man and a master therapist, but her account astonished me. I pictured him tiny, aged, purple-clad, sweeping and hosing horse stalls and wondered what I'd have done in the same situation. Knew damn well I'd have fallen far short of that degree of caring.
What I was doing right now had nothing to do with caring. Not for the living.
How much was owed to the dead?
I said, "So you met Pierce when things had smoothed out." Sounding wooden, formulaic. Shrinky.
She nodded. "Dr. H. told me I should get back into my old routine- said my old habits had been good ones. Before Mama got terminal, I used to drive into Oxnard and shop at Randall's for feed. Old Lady Randall used to work the counter and she and Mama were old friends and I used to like going in there and talking to her, hearing the way things used to be. Then Mrs. Randall took sick and her boys started working the counter and I had nothing to say to them. That and my energies were flagging so I switched to a mail-order feed outfit that delivered. When Dr. Harrison said it would be good for me to get out, I started going to Randall's again. That's where I met Pierce."
She smiled. "Maybe it was all part of his plan- Dr. Harrison's. Knowing Pierce and me both. Figuring there'd be some kind of chemistry there. He always said no, but maybe he was being modest like he always is. Whatever the truth, there was a chemistry. Must've been, cause the first time I saw Pierce he looked like nothing but an over-the-hill hippie and I'm an old Republican ranch girl, shook Ronald Reagan's hand, wouldn't normally be attracted to that type. But something about Pierce… he had a nobility. I know your detective friend probably told you stories about the way Pierce used to be, but he became a different man."
I said, "People change."
"That's something I didn't learn till late in life. When Pierce finally got up the courage to ask me out for coffee, he was so shy about it, it was… almost cute." She shrugged. "Maybe we met at just the right time- the planets moving perfectly or something." Tiny smile. "Or maybe Dr. Harrison's a tricky one."
"When did you tell Dr. Harrison you were seeing Pierce?"
"Pretty soon after. He said, 'I know. Pierce told me. He feels the same way about you, Margie.' That's when he told me he'd known Pierce for some time. Had been doing volunteer psychiatry at Oxnard Doctor's Hospital- counseling sick and injured people, burnt people- after the Montecito Fire they put in a burn unit and he was their psychiatrist. Pierce wasn't any of those things, he came into the emergency room having terrible seizures from his addiction. Dr. Harrison detoxified him, then took him on as a patient. He told me all this because Pierce asked him to. Pierce had strong feelings about me but was deeply ashamed of his past, depended on Dr. Harrison to clear the air. I still remember the way Dr. H. phrased it. 'He's a good man, Margie, but he'll understand if this is too much baggage for you to carry.' I said, 'These hands have been hauling hay for forty years, I can carry plenty.' After that, Pierce's shyness mostly left him, and we got close." Her eyes misted. "I never thought I'd find anyone, and now he's gone."
She fumbled for the bandana and spit out laughter. "Look at me, what a sissy. And look at you: I thought you guys were supposed to make people feel better."
I sat there as she cried silently and wiped her eyes and cried some more. A sudden shadow streaked the facing wall, then vanished. I turned in time to see a hawk shoot up into the blue and vanish. Foot stomping and snorting sounded from the corral.
"Red-tails," she said. "They're good for the vermin, but the horses never get used to them."
I said, "Mrs. Schwinn, what did Pierce tell you about the unsolved case?"
"That it was an unsolved case."
"What else?"
"Nothing else. He didn't even tell me the girl's name. Just that she was a girl who got torn up and it was his case and he'd failed to solve it. I tried to get him to open up, but he wouldn't. Like I said, Pierce always wanted to shelter me from his old life."
"But he talked to Dr. Harrison about the case."
"You'd have to ask Dr. Harrison about that."
"Dr. Harrison never spoke to you about it?"
"He just said…" She trailed off and twisted so that all I could see was the outline of her jaw.
"Mrs. Schwinn?"
"The only reason it came up in the first place was because of Pierce's sleep. He'd started having dreams. Nightmares." She turned suddenly and faced me. "How'd you know about that? What was it, a real good guess?"
"Pierce was a good man, and good men don't take well to corruption."
"I don't know about any corruption." Her voice lacked conviction.
"When did the nightmares start?" I said.
"A few months before he died. Two, three months."
"Anything happen to bring them on?"
"Not that I saw. I thought we were happy. Dr. Harrison told me he'd thought so, too, but turns out Pierce had never stopped being plagued- that's the word he used. Plagued."
"By the case."
"By failure. Dr. Harrison said Pierce had been forced to walk away from the case when they railroaded him off the department. He said Pierce had fixed it in his mind that giving up had been some kind of mortal sin. He'd been punishing himself for years- the drugs, abusing his body, living like a bum. Dr. H. thought he'd helped Pierce get past it, but he'd been wrong, the nightmares came back. Pierce just couldn't let go."
She gave me a long, hard stare. "Pierce broke rules for years, always wondered if he'd have to pay one day. He loved being a detective but hated the police department. Didn't trust anyone. Including your friend, Sturgis. When he got railroaded, he was sure Sturgis had something to do with it."
"When I was here with Detective Sturgis, you said Pierce had spoken kindly of him. Was that true?"
"Not strictly," she said. "Pierce never breathed a word to me about Sturgis or anyone else from his old life. These are all things he told Dr. Harrison, and I was trying to keep Dr. Harrison out of all this. But yes, Pierce had changed his opinion about Sturgis. Followed Sturgis's career and saw he was a good detective. Found out Sturgis was homosexual and figured he had to have a lot of courage to stay in the department."
"What else did Dr. Harrison tell you about the case?"
"Just that walking away had stuck in Pierce's brain like a cancer. That's what the nightmares were all about."