“I’ve even read a treatise on anatomy where some body parts were missing. I’ve read a treatise on anatomy where the authors forgot to include both legs and an arm. They went from top to bottom and some things got left behind. A treatise on anatomy that overlooks some body parts is like a summary of the holy Bible on three sheets of paper with twenty-five illustrations.
“For me, absinthe.
“Just so that you, my dear sirs, can understand this, I am going to conjure up an image for you, my dear sirs. For me, absinthe is like a book on anatomy in which no body part is missing. It’s like being protected from above and from below and from all other sides as well. So, long live the King, bones, and absinthe! And that seems a rather good summary to me.”
The Sneeze
Mister Henri said, “Flies are forever washing their hands like Pontius Pilate. My dear sirs, do you know who Pontius Pilate was? He was the man who used to wash his hands like a fly. I’m just joking.
“Have you ever observed those flies with their two little paws, always rubbing them against one another? They look just like rich men who have just finished counting their money.
“The main problem of these flies is their level of erudition,” said Mister Henri. “Flies do not have a language because they don’t have libraries, and if they had libraries they would be erudite. Erudition is a kind of language that is just like ours, except we do not understand it. I am very erudite, but when I step into this library of bottles, I leave erudition at the door.
“This establishment has more flies than Pilate had children. And Pilate, judging by his name, must have had a large number of children. A man with a name like Pilate would impress anyone.
“I know that I am no Pilate, but I have my qualities. And this is the finest variety of humor. The most difficult is to manage sexual humor without wounding sensibilities. One of my qualities is this humor that doesn’t wound sensibilities. Wounding sensibilities is a very serious thing. Once sensibilities are wounded, they recover only with a great deal of difficulty.
“And the Lapps believe that a strong sneeze can kill,” said Mister Henri. “The Lapps believe that a strong sneeze can kill the person who sneezed, but if they had seen the sneeze that you, my dear sir, just finished sneezing, I think that they would change their opinion. A sneeze like that can kill others. It’s just like being hit on the head with somebody’s lungs. A sneeze like the one you, my dear sir, just finished sneezing is something that should never be given to anyone. One catches contagious diseases with presents like this.
“My dear sir, you should know that in the Middle Ages a single sneeze could infect an entire village with the plague. My dear sir, we are no longer in the Middle Ages, so you, my dear sir, should no longer sneeze in this manner.
“And, my dear sir, you should also know that, besides being disgusting and spreading diseases, that sneeze is a reflection of a profound lack of courtesy on your part. You should know that it is only out of respect for the honorable proprietor of this establishment that I am not walking out of this reputable establishment. A sneeze like that is worse than a witch’s curse. You, my dear sir, should know that this act shows your profound lack of culture and library. A sneeze like that can only come from an uneducated, ignorant person, a parasite on society who chooses reputable places to introduce his powerful poison and thus slowly destroy the solid edifice that constitutes our society.
“My dear sir, I am now going to drink another glass of absinthe to burn all these demons that you, my dear sir, have launched against us with that explosive sneeze, without an iota of pity, just like an executioner from the Middle Ages.
“Did you know, my dear sir, that in the Middle Ages executioners used masks so as not to be recognized later, so that nobody would take revenge? And did you know that in present times executioners no longer need to wear masks, and that they receive a fixed salary from the state? You, my dear sir, should know that this state is the most shameful part of this country, given that it does not protect establishments such as this one, that spread culture throughout our bodies just like a good glass of absinthe does!
“My dear sir, you should know you are a hypocrite, and from now on please don’t speak a word to me.
“Please bring me my bill, bartender, and I beg your pardon for my irritability, however, you have some intruders here in your saloon who are not worthy of the noble ground upon which they tread.
“Good evening, my dear sirs, in general, and a bad evening for you, my dear enemy. And do not forget that I am just like an elephant: I never forget, and I shall not rest until I have squashed you. And you should know that elephants have teeth and not horns. Apart from everything else you, my dear sir, are an ignoramus. You, my dear sir, probably know nothing about the characteristics of ants, let alone knowing anything about elephants.
“You, my dear sir, get out of my air space, as you would infect bacteria who were already sick. You, my dear sir, are more poisonous than a family of scorpions and an assembly full of politicians, not necessarily in that order. You, my dear sir, are not even worthy enough to be drinking at all. You, my dear sir, are a mistake by nature, and a tragic error on such a marvelous day, that the Good Lord was kind enough to bless us with. You, my dear sir, harm the sun. You, my dear sir, are worse than an animal. And, my dear sir, stop standing there in silence because it is very unsettling. You, my dear sir, are a beast, and that’s all I have to say. A beast, that’s what you are. And don’t forget your umbrella tomorrow because it’s going to rain. You, my dear sir, don’t believe in God and you don’t know how to drink absinthe. You lose your self-control. And you don’t believe in God, as I am well aware. It’s a sin, not to know how to drink absinthe properly. Absinthe has to be respected. Not be drunk the way you drink it. You, my dear sir, are an agnostic in every way. I bet that you, my dear sir, are an agnostic even with your wife. I’m just joking. You, my dear sir, wouldn’t understand my brand of humor, as you are ignorant, illiterate and an imbecile. And I’ll tell you something else, far more serious: you, my dear sir, do not know how to drink. You, my dear sir, do not even know the meaning of the word ‘agnostic.’ You, my dear sir, get angry, and lose your self-control. See you tomorrow, you are what you are, and goodnight to everyone. You, my dear sir, are a nincompoop. They don’t sneeze like that even in China!” said Mister Henri.
The Bare Essentials
After a prolonged silence, Mister Henri said, “Today I am going to enter and leave without uttering a single word. From today onward, I am going to limit my words to the bare essentials, since I have noticed that my encyclopedic dissertations are not duly appreciated in this establishment.