The North Pole Algorithms
by David Bischoff
Santa Claus was an alien.
Santa’s sled was a flying saucer.
What an incredible story! Visions of sugar-plum fame danced in her head. Already inwardly negotiating with a network for the top spot in her own weekly news magazine, Virginia tucked her head into the fur-lined hood of her parka and dashed from the back of the huge compound she’d infiltrated to join the ranks of similarly hooded elves carrying boxes up the ramp into the glowing, reverberating disk perched atop endless miles of frigid glacier.
She had to get inside for just a moment, to get the pictures and the facts she needed, otherwise no one would believe her. Just for the briefest of moments. In. Click. Click. Out.
A canned version of Bing Crosby’s “White Christmas” crooned behind her. The smell of Sam Klaus’s meerschaum pipe, evergreen, and Mrs. Klaus’s mincemeat pies somehow permeated the entire compound of KLAUS NORTHERN OIL, one of the many divisions of the mega-corporation of KLAUS INDUSTRIES. She hated to betray them, they had been so nice. A story on Christmas in the Arctic Circle? Why, of course. You can come and be our guest, as long as you realize that there are—well, classified experimental activities which we cannot show you. Oh—those people with long ears, dressed in red, with bells on their toes? Just Eskimos with true Christmas spirit.
As she passed into the opening of the huge spaceship and saw what was inside, the song in the air changed to “Jingle Bells.”
Jingle Coins, more like.
New-minted coins of the future, in her hot little hands. She’d leave those pikers at “60 Minutes” and “20/20” in her blonde, blue-eyed, twinkle-dimpled dust.
The chamber looked like some alien Houston control, elves in jumpsuits jumping hither and thither to attend to the squiggles that must have been the alien equivalent to dials and switches.
At the center of the room was a large box, framing a portal of pure energy. Glimmerings of images cavorted here: Christmas trees decked with bubbling baubles and tingling tinsel; merry green boughs of holly sprinkled with crimson berries; stockings abulge on chimneys; and variations of that most hallowed of Holies, the Christmas Present, cheerful bows twinkling, gay patterns of bugles and teddy bears, waiting to be ripped apart by excited tykes.
Quickly, she deposited her box in the compartment where the others put theirs. Instead of leaving, though, she hid herself behind a bulkhead and pulled out her camera.
Click!
Click, click!
Bang!
She looked down at her camera, then around the bulkhead. Jesus H. Kronkite! The hatchway had closed. Even as she realized that she was trapped inside the spaceship, the vibration that had been in the background wailed up to a keening and burst into a crescendo. She felt the black hand of g-force push her down to the floor. As Virginia Kent lost consciousness, she thought that maybe this might make a better story than she could possibly have imagined.
When she came to, however, she was surrounded by the long-eared people, looking for all the world like constipated Mr. Spocks.
A roly-poly figure pushed through the throng and peered down at her through horn-rimmed glasses perched above cherry cheeks and a long white beard.
“Tsk, tsk, Ms. Kent,” said Sam Klaus, belly shaking like a bowlful of quince Jell-O.
“You’re Santa Claus!” she said accusingly.
“Yes, and you’re a stowaway, poor dear, on my most important annual mission.” A gloved hand gestured to the energy vortex. “With the benefit of my transdimensional prefabricator, I spread a little joy upon this benighted planet. Of course, there are other purposes on this world, and for such I use different guises.”
He took off his familiar red hat, his coat, to reveal long johns and pants supported by bright chartreuse suspenders. His hair was crew-cut, accentuating his hawk-beak of a nose. An elf-aide handed him a lit cigarette slipped into a black cigarette holder.
“Welcome aboard the Donner, Blitzen and Dowser. Powered, incidentally by a very fine Dean drive. We have achieved a shaky orbit and are about to commence our transdimensional deliveries from the prerequisite synchronous perch. However, my dear, we may have a little problem.” He snapped his fingers, and an elf came forward, holding a portable computer screen. Smoke making a Christmas wreath around his head, he examined this for a moment, punching in figures quickly on a keyboard.
“Tsk. Tsk. As I suspected. Oh well, the solution will cancel out two problems.” He shrugged and glared down at her. “You see, Ms. Snoopy Unwanted Reporter, this vehicle is a finely calibrated vessel, and the orbital slot we are trying to reach is a delicate one. Your extra weight is throwing us off considerably, and we must adjust accordingly.”
“What?” Where was Greenpeace or the U.N.—or hell, NASA and the U.S.S. Enterprise—when she needed them? “What are you talking about? Look, I’m sorry about the intrusion. But it’s my job!”
“We can’t return, and you endanger us and the joy of millions of children.” Klaus shook his head sadly. “To paraphrase another Santa, It would seem that those who do not read science fiction are doomed to repeat it!”
Two strong elves grabbed her by either arm and hustled her toward the airlock.