“Never -mind that!” Joe exploded as the bellhop put his hand on the knob and started to pull the door open. He waved two dollar bills and the bellhop quickly closed the door and crossed over to Joe to accept them.
“Is there anything else I can do for you, sir?” he asked, maliciously stalling.
“No,” Joe said shortly.
“Then I’ll be leaving now.” But he paused in the doorway, almost leering. “If you want room service --” he started to say.
“We know all about that!” Joe almost shouted. “Good night!”
“Good night, sir. Good night, madame.” He leered openly, just once, and left.
“I. thought he’d never go,” Alice said when Joe had locked the door after him.
“You and me both.” He took her in his arms and crushed her to him.
“Ouch. Joe! Not so rough.”
“Oh. Sorry. I guess I’m just over-eager. Come on. Let me help you out of that dress and let’s go to bed.”
“Just a minute. Not so fast. There’s something else we have to do first.”
“What?”
“We have to make a list of the cash gifts.”
“Now?”
“Now. Before we forget who gave us what. After all, I have to write thank-you notes.”
“Not tonight!” Joe’s voice was aghast.
“Of course not, silly. I’ll do that tomorrow. But I want to make the list while it’s still fresh in my mind. Then you’d better take all the cash we got and take it down and put it in the hotel safe.”
Joe looked at her with the newly opened eyes of a bridegroom really seeing his bride for the first time. “Oh, all right,” he agreed reluctantly.
“Now, first there’s this money order from Uncle Max. Twenty-five dollars. The cheapskate. He’s got more money than Rockefeller, you know. Twenty-five dollars! That’s what he tips the hatcheck girl. He’s an awful runaround, you know. A man his age! It’s just disgraceful. Poor Aunt Martha! Are you writing this down, Joe?”
“Yes, dear. ‘Uncle Max, twenty-five.’ ” Joe read from the slip of paper in front of him. “Uhh, Alice, wouldn’t you be more comfortable if you got out of those clothes?”
“I’m comfortable, Joe.”
“Aren’t you warm?”
“Not at all.”
“Don’t you feel grubby then? I mean, you’ve been wearing them all day.”
“I have not, Joe. I only put this suit on after the wedding. Now stop being silly and let’s get through with this.” “Oh, all right,” Joe sighed.
“Now, your second cousin Herman. How much did he give us? I saw him hand you an envelope.”
“It was cash. I forgot. I just put it with the rest of the cash.”
“Oh, Joe, how could you? Now I’ll never get it straightened out.”
“What difference does it make?”
“Because I won’t know what kind of thank-you note to send him. I mean, if he only gave you five or ten dollars, then I’d just send him a card. But if it was twenty or more, then I should write him a personal note. And over a hundred, we should have him to dinner after we get back.”
“My second cousin Herman never saw a hundred dollars in one lump in his whole life . . . Listen, Alice, why don’t you get outta that dress? It looks like it’s strangling you.”
“The dress is fine, Joe. Come on, let’s get on with it.”
Joe listed all the gifts as Alice called them off. When that was done, they put all the checks and money orders in one envelope and the cash in a second. Alice took the list, put it in her purse, and sent Joe down to the lobby to put the money in the hotel safe.
He made the trip quickly and let himself back into the room silently, hoping to catch Alice in the act of undressing. But she was still sitting in the armchair, still dressed just as she’d been when he left. She hadn’t even taken off the jacket of her traveling suit.
“Aren’t you going to get undressed?” Joe asked. “I mean, get ready for bed?”
“Sure,” Alice said. “But what’s the hurry?” she added coyly.
“I’m tired.” Joe stretched desperately to lend the words conviction.
“Tired? On your wedding night?” Alice was teasing him.
“I didn’t mean—”
“All right. Relax. I guess last night must have tired you out, huh?”
“Now, Alice—” Joe was tugging at his necktie, hoping that she’d get the idea and start to take off her clothes.
“Now, Alice—-” she mimicked him.
“Damn it!” he exploded. “Aren’t you ever going to get undressed?”
“Of course I am, darling.” Leisurely, she crossed over to her suitcase, opened it, withdrew a nightie and a robe, and started toward the door leading to the bathroom.
“Where are you going?”
“Into the bathroom.”
“What for?”
“Why, to undress of course, silly.”
“Why can’t you get undressed in here?” Joe asked, really exasperated now.
“On my wedding night?” Alice lowered her eyes demurely.
“Hell!” Joe said angrily, “at least that would be something new! We’ve had the rest of it before. Just in case you don’t remember.”
“Oh, Joe!” Alice wailed, bursting into tears.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to say that. I’m sorry. Forgive me.”
It took a while before she did, but finally Alice snuffled her way to forgiveness. “I’m going to go into the bathroom and get ready now,” she said at last. “Is that all right with you?”
“Of course, darling. Of course.” Joe was still chagrined. “And I’ll get ready for bed here. Okay?”
“Okay,” She took her nightgown and robe, went into the bathroom, and closed the door behind her.
Joe stripped off his clothes quickly and tossed them on a chair. Then he got his pajamas out of the suitcase and donned them. He ran a comb through his hair and sat back in the armchair to wait for Alice to reappear.
It seemed like an awfully long wait, but finally the bathroom door opened and Alice came out. Joe looked at her and was disappointed. She was covered from neck to ankle by the bathrobe she wore. “Hey,” he said, trying to make the best of it, “don’t I get a look at that very special nightie you bought for our wedding night?”
“Maybe,” Alice said noncommittally. “We’ll see.”
She crossed over to the bed, got under the covers and only then did she wriggle free of the bathrobe. “Joe,” she said, modestly holding the sheet up in front of her to conceal her bosom, “do me a favor and hang this up, will you?”
“Yeah. Sure.” Brooding, Joe took the robe from her outstretched hand and crossed over to the closet. He opened the closet door, peered inside for a hook, found one, hung up the bathrobe, closed the door behind him -—and suddenly froze.
“What’s the matter, Joe?”
Slowly, he turned around again, inched the door open and peered inside. There she was! It hadn’t been an optical illusion. There was a naked girl in the closet. And what a girl!
“Joe,” Alice called. “What are you doing?”
Joe kept staring into the closet. He didn’t answer.
“Joe? Aren’t you coming to bed, honey?”
Still no answer.
“Joe! What is it?”
Joe just kept looking. The nude in his closet looked back. Neither of them seemed able to think of anything to say.
“Joe!” Alice’s voice went up a few octaves in a demand for attention.
Dazed, he turned toward the bed. Shock was still written on his face. But there was also a certain amount of interest and appreciation there for what he’d been looking at.