“Joel Do something!”
“In front of her?” Joe unwittingly misunderstood.
“Make her cover herself!”
“That would be sacrilegious! Besides, if she wants to walk around in her birthday suit, I don’t see how I can stop her.”
“But she’s walking around in our room!"
“I am not!” Llona protested. “I haven't budged from this spot since I came in.”
“She hasn’t budged from that spot since she came in,” Joe told Alice, his eyes remaining riveted to the spot under discussion.
“Joe!” Alice wailed. “This is our wedding night!”
“Really?” Llona enthused. “Congratulations.”
“Thank you,” Joe said.
“Many happy returns,” Llona said sincerely.
“The hell you say!” Alice raged. “One wedding night like this one is enough for me, thank you.”
“You’re welcome,” Llona said.
“For what?” Alice asked.
“You said ‘thank you’,” Llona explained.
“Ooohhh! This is insufferable.”
“You did say ‘thank you’,” Joe said mildly. “I think the lady is only trying to be polite.”
“Yes. I am.” Llona shot him a grateful look.
“Well, I don’t think it’s polite to come barging into our room on our wedding night without any clothes on!”
“I’m sorry. I really didn’t know it was your wedding night,” Llona said truthfully.
“She really didn't know,” Joe echoed. “How could she?”
“And besides,” Llona pointed out, “I’m no more naked than you are.”
“That’s true,” Joe said judiciously.
“It’s not true. Just the shameless way she's built makes her look ten times more naked than I am. Look at her!”
“I am looking,” Joe admitted.
“Well, stop looking!"
“But you just said to look."
“That’s true.” Llona took Joe’s part. “You did tell him to look.”
“Well, now I’m telling him to stop looking! And I'm telling you to get out of here! And if you don’t do what I say immediately, I’m going to get out of here myself.”
“Alice,” Joe said sincerely, continuing to scan Llona, “I’ll miss you.”
“You don’t want to do that,” Llona said earnestly. “You don’t want to leave your husband alone with a naked woman on your wedding night. That’s not playing the game.”
“Not playing the-— Ooohh! That did it!” Alice bounded over to the door, yanked it open, stormed out, and slammed it behind her.
Joe’s expression didn’t change. He was still looking at Llona with the expression of a hungry waif whose nose is pressed against the bakery shop window.
“Your wife has left.” Llona spelled it out for him.
“So she has.”
“And we’re alone.”
“So we are.”
“It doesn’t seem right on your wedding night.”
“So who cares?”
“Now that’s no attitude to take,” Llona told him sternly. “Aren’t you concerned about her? I mean, she didn’t take any clothes or anything. Where will she go? What will she do?”
“I don’t know. Where did you go‘? What did you do? You’ve been running around in the buff all night.”
“Well, that's sort of different.”
“Different how?” Joe wanted to know.
“lt’s along story.”
“I’ve got plenty of time. Come on over here and sit down and tell me about it.” Joe patted the side of the bed.
“Well, all right.” Llona perched on the spot he had indicated and started to explain how she’d gotten into her predicament.
She hadn't gotten very far when there was the noise of a commotion outside and a sudden loud banging on the door. “Mr. Barker,” a voice called authoritatively. Llona recognized the voice. It had been pursuing her all night. It was the voice of the hotel detective.
She shot Joe a pleading look, crossed quickly to the closet, and hid inside it. Joe waited until she was out of sight and then opened the door to the room. The hotel detective barged in, pushing Alice in front of him. He had her arm twisted behind her back and was holding her in a firm grip.
“Joe!” Alice wailed. “Tell him who I am! Tell him I'm your wife!”
“She’s my wife,” Joe told the detective obediently.
“Yeah?” The detective was skeptical.
“Yeah.”
“I don’t suppose you can prove that.” The detective was openly scoffing.
“As it happens, I can.” Joe walked over to their suitcase and took out their wedding license. “We just got married today. See, the ink’s hardly dry.”
“Well, I’ll be damned!” The detective scratched his head. “Okay, so you’re really married,” he said after a moment. “But even so,” he added sternly, “that's no excuse for your wife running around this hotel naked all night.”
“I haven’t been running around naked all night,” Alice sobbed. “I tried to tell you, I just left this room for the first time.”
“Then how come I spotted you popping in and out of rooms the past three-four hours?” ‘
“That wasn’t me!” Alice insisted. “Joe, tell him!”
“It wasn’t her.” Joe told him.
“Then how do you explain me nabbing her naked in the corridor outside just now?”
“That was the first time,” Joe said. “The woman you law before wasn’t my wife.”
“You trying to tell me there’s two naked broads running around this hotel?”
“Well, there is another one. I know because she was in here.”
“What a night!” The detective held his head and squeezed the temples for a moment. “Okay. If she was in here, where’d she go?”
“She ran out right after my wife left.”
“What did you want her in here for in the first place? Ain’t one naked girl enough for you?”
“I’m starting a collection,” Joe told him sarcastically.
“Oh, a wise guy, hey! Well, I’m going to get to the bottom-”
He was interrupted by the phone ringing. Joe answered it. He listened a minute. “It’s for you.” He handed the receiver to the detective.
“Yeah?” The detective’s face grew grave at what he heard. “Okay. I’Il be right there.” He hung up. “A suicide,” he mused aloud. “What a night! I gotta go. But I’ll be back. I’m not through with you two yet. Meanwhile, lady, if you want to run around this hotel, you put some duds on first.” The door closed behind him.
“Where is she?” Alice demanded immediately. “I know she's still here. I was right outside. I would have seen her if she left.”
“In the closet,” Joe admitted.
Alice yanked open the closet door. “Come on 'out of there!” she commanded.
Llona came out. “I’m so happy you came back,” she said. “You really shouldn’t quarrel with your husband on your wedding night. It gets things off to a bad start.”
“So now you’re a marriage counselor,” Alice observed. “Well, do me a favor, will you? Keep your advice to yourself.” ‘
“If you’re going to be nasty,” Llona said haughtily, “I’ll leave.”
“I don’t believe it!”
“No hurry,” Joe interjected.
“Joe!”
“All right,” Joe sighed. “I guess maybe you had better go,” he advised Llona.
“Despite your inhospitality, allow me to wish you a happy wedding night,” Llona said as she closed the door behind her. There was a crash as Alice hurled some heavy and breakable object after her.
“Alice,” Joe said, looking at his wife’s naked figure and sighing with the fresh, remembrance of the voluptuous body which had just departed. “Alice, you really ought to put some clothes on.”
Llona heard the second crash as she entered the stairwell. As she started up the stairs, she heard the sound of footsteps coming down. She reversed her direction and ran down to the floor below.