"Ihaissgus!"
"What?"
Mortimer raised his head. "I said I hate his guts," He repeated distinctly.
"Oh. Well, let's not talk about it now." Olivia arched
her body invitingly until Mortimer's lips came to rest once again. "Ahhh," she sighed. "There are some advantages to having a toothless husband. Ahhhhhhhhh…"
"Ah," the male voice echoed over the phone the following afternoon. "Olivia. Now I remember. You're the Olivia who married my cousin Mortimer."
"That's right, Arch," Olivia told him.
"Sorry I missed your wedding. I really meant to come, but-"
"No apologies necessary," Olivia assured him. "As weddings go, it went. 'Nuf said."
"Well, for the family's sake, I should have-"
"Exactly. The families were there. Both families. I had to suffer that. You didn't. So let me just congratulate you on your luck and let it go at that."
"Congratulations accepted." Arch chuckled. "Are you sure you're the Olivia.who married my cousin Mortimer?"
"I'm sure." Olivia sighed to herself.
"Mortimer Valentine?"
"The very same."
"Oh." There was a long pause. "I was shown a picture of you," Arch said finally. "The one taken out back of the house. You know?"
"I know the picture."
"From the picture, you're a very attractive girl."
"Thank you."
"Yes. Umm, does it look like you?" Arch asked hesitantly.
"The spitting image."
"You have a good figure."
"Yes. I know."
"Pretty face, too." There was a note of puzzlement in his voice.
"So I've been told." "And you married my cousin Mortimer." Arch was careful to keep all inflection out of his voice now.
"I'm afraid so."
"Oh? I see."
"Exactly. But we really shouldn't be discussing that, should we?" Olivia asked. "After all, Mortimer's my husband. And he's your cousin. That makes me your cousin now, too."
"Hi, cuz. For the first time in memory, things are looking up in this cockamamie family."
"Flatterer." Olivia giggled. "That's certainly some line you've got there. You must be quite a hit with the fair sex."
"I survive," Arch said modestly.
"Yes. Well, the reason I called is that I'd like you to come to dinner. I'm having a girl friend who'd like to meet you too."
"Oh, now, you're not going to start that bit, are you? After we were hitting it off so well?"
"Bit? What bit? I don't know what you mean."
"Setting me up with marriageable girls. It's a family project. And each one doggier than the last. Now-that-your-cousin-Mortimer's-married-you-should-think-about getting-married-too," Arch singsonged.
"It's not like that at all. This is a very nice girl. Wonderful personality."
"That did it. 'Wonderful personality.' They always have a 'wonderful personality.' It's the kiss of death."
"Well, if you'd rather just come to dinner without my asking her-" Olivia hesitated. "I guess it could be just the three of us-you, me, and Mortimer."
"How about just you and me?" Arch suggested.
Olivia took her time thinking before she answered. "That wouldn't be right," she said slowly. "After all, Mortimer is your cousin."
Arch was encouraged by the fact that she referred to his relationship to Mortimer rather than to her own closer one. "I know," he answered cheerfully. "I'm a louse. That's how it's been all my life where Mortimer's concerned. When he was six his folks got him a dog. That dog was crazy about me. Wagged his tail off every time he saw me. But he bit Mortimer and they had to get rid of him."
"I'm not a dog," Olivia reminded him.
"I know. That, much I could tell from your picture. Anyway, when Mortimer was ten, they bought him an erector set. Man, how I loved that set. It was just made for me. I built all kinds of things with it. But Mortimer? He finally managed to hook up the transformer and damn near electrocuted himself. Right after that his folks gave it away to some church bazaar."
"I'm not an erector set," Olivia observed.
"Well, now, maybe with the right man- Sorry. Not being able to resist a pun's one of my minor vices."
"Very minor, I'll bet, compared to your other vices."
"Right you are," Arch admitted cheerfully. "Anyway, when we hit our 'teens, there was this girl Mortimer was crazy about. Stuck her up on a pedestal and spent all his time mooning over her and worshipping her. She wasn't much, but I just couldn't resist-giving her a whirl anyway. Borrowed Mortimer's car to take her out. Next morning he found the evidence on the back seat. So I confessed everything."
"You really are a louse!"
"Yeah. But only where Mortimer's concerned. I don't know what it is, but whatever he's got always looks appealing to me. Some kind of sibling cousin rivalry, I guess. Although the truth is that with Mortimer it's always been a case of no contest."
"And now you're pitching for his wife," Olivia told him frankly.
"Aren't you kind of jumping to conclusions?" "Well, aren't you? Isn't that what this is all about? If I were another kind of girl, I could get pretty indignant about the way you're coming on."
"But you're not another kind of girl. I can tell that just by talking to you. You're a swinger. The question is how come you married Mortimer in the first place? You just don't seem like the type for poor old toothless Mortimer."
"You've got a nerve calling him that."
"Oh, he told you about that, hey?" Arch chuckled. "You should have seen it. It was like the sky was raining teeth."
"It's not funny! You're unkind!"
"Only to Mortimer. Believe me. I'm really a very sweet Joe to anybody else."
"All right. If you're so sweet, come to dinner and meet my friend and stop playing hard to get."
"Me hard to get? Not at all. All right, I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll come to dinner next week if you'll meet me for a cocktail tomorrow. What do you say? That's fair enough, isn't it?"
"Well, I don't know..
"Come on. Only a drink. Even in this state that doesn't constitute adultery. After all, we're cousins now. What do you say?"
"All right. One drink. But that's all. Don't make any foolish plans."
"Never. Perish the thought." Arch told her where and when to meet him the following day and agreed to come to dinner the next Thursday night.
After he'd hung up, Olivia called Llona and confirmed the dinner date with her.
"Couldn't you have made it any sooner?" Llona asked plaintively.
"I'm afraid not."
• "Oh. Well, thanks anyway, Olivia. I'll be there." Llona's heart was pounding at the very thought of coming face-to-face with her Archer again. She felt as if it must burst under the strain of waiting a week. Still, it was sort of an imposition on Olivia, an imposition on short acquaintance at that, and Llona was genuinely grateful. She'd just have to control her impatience.
Impatience was an emotion that Olivia was starting to feel too as she hung up on Llona. She had to admit to herself that the conversation with Arch had intrigued her. The prospect of having a drink with him on the morrow was also intriguing. Mortimer had always spoken about him as though he was some sort of family black sheep. But Mortimer's disapproval had only made Arch seem romantic to her. Now Olivia was impatient to see for herself if the romantic image was justified.
Curiosity was a large part of her impatience. It found voice over the dinner table with Mortimer that night. "Is your cousin Arch what you'd call good-looking?" Olivia asked, her tone making it sound like no more than idle curiosity.
"If you like that brutish type, I suppose he is," Mortimer said, scowling. "All brawn and no moral fiber. But I suppose some women would find him attractive."
"I suppose so." Olivia let it drop. After all, in less than twenty-four hours she'd find out for herself. "What's the matter?" she asked, noticing that Mortimer was struggling with his shirt collar.
"Goddamn Chinks!" Mortimer gasped. "Conquest by strangulation! That's what those little yellow bastards are after! H-bombs, hell! They're gonna take us over with starch!" His fingers clawed at the shirt-button at his throat.