Then, on Jade’s final night, she decided their kisses, hand-holding and infrequent frissons were no longer enough. She slipped the silver band from her wedding finger and left it on her bedside table, then closed the door to the guesthouse and silently padded towards Mark’s bedroom in the main house. Her hands felt clammy as she reached for the handle and she prayed to God he wasn’t going to reject her advances. But his door was already ajar and, when she pushed it open, she found him lying awake facing her, as if he’d been expecting her to come.
He pulled the sheet to one side to invite her in.
‘Come with me tomorrow,’ Jade whispered afterwards, her body exhausted and her lungs close to breathless.
‘You know I can’t, it’s too complicated.’
‘Don’t you think I know that? I was the one who married your brother.’
‘And I’m the one who’s just screwed his wife.’
‘What did you just say?’ she asked, pushing herself away from him. ‘Is that all I am to you, a shag?’
‘I’m sorry, it’s not what I meant.’
‘It’s what you said, though. I’m not some cheap slapper who jumps into bed with any lad.’
‘I know, I know and I shouldn’t have said that.’ Mark reached out to hold her hand.
‘You and I know there’s something here that’s bigger than both of us.’
Mark nodded.
‘So come with me. It doesn’t have to be tomorrow, it could be in a week or a fortnight’s time. Just tell your parents you need to get away from here to clear your head. Give us some time together on our own to figure out what this is. You owe us this chance.’
‘Jade, I’m needed here.’
‘And I need you.’
‘I can’t do that to my family or to Kevin’s memory. How can I tell people … people who came to his funeral two weeks ago, that I’m in love with my sister-in-law?’
Mark’s use of the word ‘love’ made her blush and her body felt as if it was burning up. ‘But if I feel the same, how can it be so wrong?’ she asked.
Mark shook his head apologetically, and threw himself flat against the bed, staring up at the ceiling, as if waiting for divine intervention to tell him what to do. Jade suddenly felt awkward and very naked. Rejected and frustrated, she slipped her T-shirt and underwear back on and opened the door to go back to her room.
‘I am worth more than this, Mark,’ she snapped. ‘And if that doesn’t sink into your head pretty bloody soon, it’s going to be too late.’
As she turned back towards the door she was shocked to see Mark’s mother Susan glaring at them both from the corridor, her face a mixture of fury and disappointment.
Chapter 79
NICK
Nick’s appetite had all but disappeared. Each time he tried to fill his empty, rumbling stomach, he felt like bringing it back up again. So instead he stuck to his diet of cigarettes, chewing gum and bottles of flavoured water.
His initial reaction to discovering he was going to become a father was to shy away and he’d check himself into the central Birmingham hotel room he’d stayed in when he and Sally first separated. Unlike Alex’s apartment that was littered with his possessions, this anonymous room would help him think without his judgment being clouded.
Hour upon hour of solitude followed, as he stood at the ninth-storey window, taking in the city’s diverse skyline. He’d discovered that by removing the four screws from the window frame, he could disable the safety catches that prevented the window from being opened fully. He held the first two screws in the palm of his hand and an idea came to him. He quickly dismissed it, yet still he continued to turn the remaining two with a teaspoon. It was a solution that could put a stop to him being everyone’s problem, he reasoned.
Nick chose not to respond to any of Alex’s text messages that evening. He didn’t know how to tell that him that, instead of travelling to London to renew his passport, he’d actually spent the evening with his ex-girlfriend trying to come to terms with the fact that he could have a child by the end of the year. As the tone of Alex’s unanswered texts became more and more concerned, and the calls and voice-mails more frequent, Nick decided to switch his phone off.
A gentle breeze drifted through the window and reached Nick’s face but he didn’t register it. Instead, he recalled how he’d always wanted children but it was Sally who hadn’t been so sure. They’d reached a compromise that they’d wait until a couple of years after they married and would let nature take its course. But their city break to Bruges saw an end to that and now they were dealing with the consequences.
‘You can make this happen or you can make this stop,’ Sally had been at pains to point out, and he believed her. ‘I’m just presenting you with the facts. You can either be a father or not. I just know I can’t do this by myself. I’m not threatening you or giving you an ultimatum.’
It didn’t feel that way to Nick.
He was pragmatic in his approach and had worked through each viable way he could play a part in his child’s life and still remain with Alex. He figured he could still emigrate to New Zealand and, with flight prices falling year-on-year, he might be able to afford a return trip to the UK at least once a year, even twice if he was careful with his money. The rest of the time, he could watch his child grow up via FaceTime and Skype. It wouldn’t be ideal, but it was what thousands of armed service parents did, stationed countries apart from their children. And there’s no reason why Sally might not also bring their child over to visit. This was all on the assumption that she’d view this idea as ‘not being alone’. She was so scared of raising the baby by herself and he wanted to be there as much as he could. He couldn’t face thinking of the other option Sally had presented him with.
It was too big an ask of Alex to remain in London. He needed to be with his sick father. He was deteriorating by the day and he knew Alex was eager to make the move to be with him as he saw out his final weeks. If the shoe had been on the other foot, Nick would’ve put his family’s needs before his own too.
There were other ways around the problem, but all of them ended with the same result: Nick would be a bit player in his child’s life and that would never be enough for him. If he was to be a father, he wanted an active role in raising their child.
But a worrying thought began to creep into his mind and it frightened him. What if he resented the child for coming between him and his Match? What if every time he looked into its eyes, they would reflect the emptiness of his own? Nick shuddered.
The thought of being unable to see his soulmate for an indefinite period of time made Nick’s body ache. Not being able to laugh with him, be responsible for his gawky grin when he walked into a room, or hear the rise and fall of his chest as he slept, made Nick feel physically sick. And if he felt like this while they were still in the same city, what would it be like once they were a world apart? Nick knew deep in the marrow of his bones that it would be too much to bear. Trying to come up with one answer to suit everyone was like trying to push the tide back into the ocean with a broom.
He swallowed hard and then glared at the remaining two screws in the window’s safety catches and closed his eyes. He had made his decision and there was no going back.
Chapter 80
ELLIE
‘Hello, Ells, I think it’s time we talked, isn’t it?’ Tim said, smiling broadly. His voice was carefree and melodious in tone, but his superficial grin undermined it. He leaned back in her chair behind the glass desk and sipped from a tumbler, then swirled the ice around. The lead crystal decanter that contained a much sought-after Scotch sat atop the drinks cabinet, purposely left out and unplugged for Ellie to notice.