‘Anais, that’s Ben, and that’s Craig.’ She nods at the driver.
Shortie flings her arms around the seat in front of her, touching the Ben guy’s hair. He kisses her hand.
‘Alright,’ he says.
‘Alright,’ the Craig guy says.
He’s cute, his wrists are slim — not thin, just perfect. Double-drag on the joint and watch him drive. His hands are like a sculptor’s, not a pianist’s, more like an artist or an artisan.
‘So, where are we going?’ I ask, passing the joint to Shortie.
‘Dunno,’ she shrugs.
‘Where are we going?’ I ask Craig.
‘Poaching,’ he says, turning the tunes up.
‘What?’
‘Poaching!’
‘Poaching fucking what?’ I ask Shortie.
‘Salmon probably. We’ve done it before, ay, it’s a laugh, Anais — you’re gonnae love it.’
‘D’ye no like poaching?’ Ben asks me.
‘I dinnae murder fish for fun, no,’ I say.
‘Anais put a cop in a coma,’ Shortie says.
The two guys look back now, the Ben one’s grinning.
‘So, you’ll put a cop in a coma, but you’ll no kill a fish?’
‘I didnae put a cop in a coma.’
‘She did, she battered her with a kosh — all the kids ken about it in all the units. And she burnt down the last place she was in. She’s been charged one hundred and forty-seven times,’ Shortie says proudly.
‘Have you read my files?’ I ask her.
‘Noh, just eavesdropping on meetings at the office. They’re always talking about you, especially Eric, and Angus, and Joan. Mullet does as well, but he’s not so fascinated. He just fucking hates you.’
‘What does Angus say, like?’
‘He’s always sticking up for you,’ she says.
We drive through some red lights, then turn down a hill heading out to the river. There’s a castle in the distance. Some lights are on in the windows. Imagine living in a castle. I cannae believe we are going poaching. I might have tae stage a humanist intervention. Fuck! I am so stoned already.
‘I hear you and Shortie had a fight?’ Ben asks, grinning.
‘Aye.’
‘I hear Shortie let you off lightly?’ he says, grinning even wider.
She looks away a wee bit sheepish, like.
‘Aye, something like that,’ I say and Shortie starts giggling, and I do too. Craig keeps glancing at me in the rear-view mirror. I’m glad I came out now.
‘So what do youz do then, now everyone knows I’m a fucking degenerate and Shortie’s hard as fuck?’
I pass her the skins, and she pulls out a wee rolling mat.
‘They’re farmers,’ she says.
‘For fuck’s sake,’ I say.
‘What’s wrong with that?’ Ben asks.
‘I’ve never been on a date with a farmer, that’s all,’ I say, trying no tae laugh, but Shortie’s laughing, her shoulders are shaking away.
‘What kind of farmers are you then?’ I ask them. ‘Are you sheep-shaggers?’
Shortie cannae roll her joint now for laughing, and the Craig guy’s smiling away.
‘You’re a wide one, ay,’ he says tae me.
‘We’re pig farmers,’ Ben says, all serious. ‘I dinnae fucking see how it’s a laughing matter!’
Me and Shortie are still giggling when we pull into some private estate. There’s a sign on the main gates that reads No Entrance.
‘I dinnae think we’re meant tae be in here,’ Shortie says.
‘Have a drink.’ Ben passes a bottle of beer to us in the back seat, then he opens another two for them.
‘We’ll not get caught,’ I say.
I light a joint. I need this. Fucking pig farmers. Fucking poaching. The night’s really pretty out, though, the sky’s an amazing dark-blue colour. Craig’s driving with the headlights off now, we roll down by the river and then stop.
‘Come on then, ladies, after youz.’ Ben gets out and opens the door for Shortie.
I get out on my side and Craig’s leaning against his door already.
‘Alright?’ he says.
‘Aye.’
Shortie and Ben are kissing over on the other side of the car. I take a drag of the joint and lean against the motor, watch the water glinting — ’s all silvered by the moon.
‘Have you got a boyfriend then, Anais?’ Craig asks.
‘Aye.’
‘No, she’s not, he’s in jail,’ Shortie says, then starts kissing again.
Craig leans in closer. He smells nice. He’s got a square jaw and he’s skinny, tall though, with wide shoulders and his hair’s quite long, nearly down tae his shoulders. He touches my hair, just lightly, then he pulls a strand off my face and tucks it behind my ear and the world goes quiet.
‘Can I kiss you?’ he asks.
He leans in, and his lips are soft, and his hair is soft, his neck’s warm. There’s shivers down my back as he touches my waist, runs his fingers down my side.
‘Are we fucking poaching or what?’ Ben appears right next to us and I open my eyes. Ben is holding out a hammer tae Craig, and he’s got another one at his side, and a torch.
‘What the fuck are youz gonnae do? Batter the fish tae death?’ I ask.
‘Aye,’ Ben says. ‘Exactly.’
‘He’s cute, isn’t he?’ Shortie says.
‘I suppose. I thought you weren’t the go-with-guys-you-dinnae-know type?’
‘He knows my brother. We only ever kiss, they’re a laugh, ay. Just decent guys.’
We sit up on the bonnet, listening to music and leaning back to look at the stars. The two of them are wading into the river. I’m really stoned now. I turn on my side and rest my face on the windscreen and watch them raising their hammers in the air.
Thud.
Thud.
The water’s splashing like mad, and they’re lobbing salmon up on tae the embankment.
‘Did you do it, Anais?’
‘What?’
‘The pig in the coma?’
‘Aye.’
‘You did, honestly?’
‘No, but lately it feels like it’d be easier tae say aye, though. I didnae kosh her, I dinnae think I did anyway.’
‘How can you not know?’
‘Cos I was so fucking wasted that day, I could have massacred the mob and no remembered. But, in here — you know, right in here — I just ken I didnae. I keep remembering bits of that day but not all of it. The experiment dinnae care, though.’
I feel the air go funny around us.
‘The what?’ she asks.
‘Nothing.’
‘What’s the experiment, Anais?’
‘Alright, gorgeous!’ Ben reappears holding up a dead salmon. He’s got blood on his hands and his face, and holds the torchlight up tae the salmon’s eyes.
‘That is giving me the boak,’ I tell him.
‘How?’ he asks.
‘Fuck, get in the car!’ Craig shouts and we turn. The estate’s Land Rover is motoring towards us, and the police are heading along the other way.
‘Someone must have seen us!’ Ben slams the door behind us, skidding the car down the gravel embankment, and me and Shortie duck down on the back seat. Craig drives us along by the river with the headlights still out.
‘Will they see us?’ Shortie whispers.
‘They better not, or I’m fucking lifted again, and I’m not having fucking poaching on my record!’ I hiss at her.
‘Shut the fuck up,’ Ben says.
‘You shut the fuck up,’ I say back tae him.
‘Hold on, girls,’ Craig says as the police siren leaps intae light and blares. We skid around on the embankment and he plunges the car right intae the river.
‘What the fuck are you doing?’ Shortie screams.
Water is coming up through the floor and the engine is whirring like fuck.
‘It’s shallow enough, it’s alright.’ He grinds the stick down and the car lurches up onto the far bank. The polis car is still on the other riverbank, headlights pointed at us. The policeman is getting out and gesturing to the guy from the estate.