‘I was speaking tae Jamie at your last unit,’ Joan says.
‘Aye.’
‘He said you’d started a lot of riots there.’
‘So.’
‘He said you were a total nightmare. I told him you have been as good as gold in here.’
‘When’s the funeral?’ I ask her.
‘Monday.’
‘What’s the coroner doing with Isla?’
‘Just verifying all the details. Try and not think about it, Anais.’
‘You do know Tash’s dead?’
‘Why’d you say that?’ Joan looks at me. She’s got big bags under her eyes. She looks like shit.
‘She wouldnae have left Isla.’
‘We don’t know that, Anais.’
‘I do. What did Isla’s mum take earlier?’
‘She just collected some of her old possessions, teddies and things like that.’
‘Do the twins know?’
Joan nods. She kneels down at my chest of drawers. She’s relieved to hear me speak, she doesnae like it when any of us go quiet.
She opens my bottom drawer and lifts up a T-shirt. Shit! A brick of chocolate falls out. Joan picks it up. There are bite marks all over one end, where I’ve been eating that instead of meals.
‘Anais, what is this?’
‘I dunno.’
I turn away because I’m smiling.
She stands up with the giant chocolate block in her hands.
‘Seriously, what is this?’
Jesus — I cannae believe I forgot to hide that!
‘It’s a protest, Joan. Bring it up at changeover. I am protesting at the lack of vegetarian options; also at enforced menus by the chef; also at the way we have tae live here — watched by that fucking thing twenty-four fucking hours a day!’
I point at the watchtower. Joan takes the big bar of chocolate and the T-shirt it was wrapped in — I swear she’s trying not tae smile.
‘You’ll get this T-shirt back once it’s been washed.’
‘Cheers.’
‘Are you going tae read something at Isla’s funeral?’ she asks.
‘No.’
I am not going to read anything. It’s not my place; it would have been Tash’s, but she’s not here and I cannae speak for her.
If Tash was murdered, they’ve not found her. She must have been murdered — it’s that wee horrible grain of truth that you just know in your bones. When I found Teresa in the bath, I couldnae see where the blood had come from, I couldnae see if she’d done it herself — but I knew she hadn’t. You just do.
You do strange things when you find someone you love dead. I walked through to the living room and got her cigarettes. I thought I’d take her one, and maybe a glass of gin. In the living room I looked out from our window, down to the car park, and I saw this black dot, moving away, a big black dot. I kept watching and another one appeared behind it, and an arm appeared out from the black dot, and it gestured to the other one.
They looked up, and saw me, two men, black wide-rimmed hats, empty spaces where their noses should be.
30
I’M BEING WATCHED through the trees, but it doesnae bother me. The woods are almost empty now it’s winter — just the odd dog walker and nobody else around. I come out by the wooden stile and cross the road.
There’s a wee jeweller’s right up the top of the village — I’m going there first. I have to pass by the gate where Tash and Isla would sit for a smoke. In fact, I’ll avoid it; I’ll go past on the way back.
The jeweller’s shop is all lit up and the doorbell chimes when I walk in.
‘Hello.’
‘I was wondering if you could put a hole in something for me?’ I ask the guy.
‘What’s that, dear?’
The man puts his specs on and I slide the domino across the desk. Double four.
‘Oh, I see. It’s a well-worn one, isn’t it? Yes, I could put a hole in the top if you like.’
‘Ta, can you do it now or …?’
‘Come back on Monday.’
He writes a receipt for what it will cost and hands it to me.
Walk through the car park by the village hall, and light a fag when I get near the woods. I can hear shouts — someone’s getting totally leathered further down. Great! That’s the last thing I need tae see. That speed Pat gave me is well strong, I shouldn’t have taken a whole wrap in one go. I want tae avoid going past them, all jeering at some fight inside their circle, but that would mean going the long way.
Keep walking. I’m gonnae have to go right by them; fuck it, it’s only kids from the local school. There’s a big lassie lifting her leg — she’s gonnae stamp on someone’s head. She better watch it, you can easy kill someone that way.
It’s starting to drizzle, and all the street-lamps are like orange orbs. I walk by the crowd surrounding the fight, and my stomach lurches.
‘D’ye still think you’re fucking hard now?’
The big lassie lifts her leg again to stamp on Shortie’s face.
‘What the fuck d’ye think you’re doing?’ I shove in and the group parts, then closes around us, so nobody walking nearby can see.
‘She fucking started it!’ the lassie says.
Shortie’s crumpled on the floor; she’s trying tae kick back — but she’s woozy. She grins up at me. Click, click, click. There’s been more than one of them at her. Click. Click.
‘She stamped on my face.’ Shortie looks up at me. One of her eyes is swollen and closing up already.
‘I’m gonnae fucking do it again!’
The lassie thinks she’s hard as fuck cos she’s battered a girl from the home. I grab her by the back of her neck, pull her in, like I’m gonnae snog her face off. Crack! Bone off bone. Someone boots me in the back and another one’s dragging me down. Nails. Punches. This isnae pain — it’s not what pain feels like. I catch Shortie’s eye; she’s grinning at me, woozy, but she’s still got the fucking glint. It passes between us — dark as night and just as true.
‘Fuck it, Anais, ay; fuck it, and fuck them, I fucking love you.’
Scrabble upright, stagger back — then turn, fly through air. CRACK, she’s down, out; drag her back up by the hair, smack her in the pus — once, twice — a tooth flies through the air. Skelp her fucking sideways, and she’s pushing her feet along the ground, pleading and trying tae get away.
Click, click, click.
There’s a faint voice somewhere, it’s saying again and again: If you dinnae stop her — she won’t stop! And someone steps up behind me, their whole body moves in behind mine. They are grabbing my arms, slowing them down as I keep punching, and Shortie is whispering into my ear, I can hear her, under the roar.
‘She’s had enough, Anais, that’s it — stop, you’re alright. I’ve got you.’
My arms slow, my body relaxes into her hold, my heart is pounding and everything is coming back — louder than before. A siren screeches close by and Shortie is taking me by the hand, leading me over the road, and I’m looking back at them. Someone’s picking the lassie up off the deck.
‘I didnae mean it,’ I whisper and I’m crying, and she’s dragging me on.
It’s misty out now; cars down on the road put their fog-lights on. The ground in the woods is wet — we’re running, and I slip. Shortie drags me up again.
‘Dinnae look back, dinnae. Just keep walking,’ she says.
I’m shaking. I’m really fucking shaking; my teeth are clattering, cos I’ve never wanted to hurt someone as bad as that.
I cannae see the lights behind us any more, we’re right in the forest now.
‘It’s alright, Anais. Here, stop a minute — just breathe.’