Tash kept dropping wee clocks on my face.
Tick.
Tick.
Tick.
34
I DON’T KNOW how long it took me tae get back here. I cannae remember most of it. Angus was shouting and saying the polis were gonnae be able tae lock me away now, and Shortie was just standing on the stair staring at me.
This is life. Breathing in, and out. The bathroom is white. My legs are purple bruises. There isnae anywhere I dinnae ache, and I think if I died now, it would be peaceful. Tash would meet me, and Isla.
I want tae just slip under the water — but instead I am pulling myself up, and undoing the lid on nail-varnish remover, and cleaning varnish off my toes. I’m cleaning myself as careful as if I were a newborn.
I would rather do anything than be around people like that again. I want out. I want to watch a fire-breather as dawn comes up on the solstice. They cannae have this soul. They have taken everything else and it’s the only thing left that I own. I’m not telling Shortie what’s happened, or anyone else, but especially not Shortie; she’s had enough tae deal with. What would be the point of her feeling hurt as well? Nobody’s gonnae catch those guys, and the polis fucking hate me anyway. What would they do? Clever experiment.
I go back downstairs, into the office, and Angus is still arguing with PC Arnold.
‘So tag her again!’
‘I dinnae think so, Mr Everlen.’
‘Anais, are you okay? You look really pale,’ Angus asks.
‘I’m fine.’
‘Are you going tae tell us where you have been, Miss Hendricks?’
‘No.’
‘Well, I have no other option than tae take you down the station for questioning,’ PC Arnold says.
‘Come on, look at her — she’s not well, and you cannae take her straight down there and off tae secure, Mr Arnold. She is allowed special consideration, if a family member has died.’
‘Aye, but that wee lassie wasnae related tae Anais, was she?’
‘That’s not the point. The girls develop unusually strong bonds in here, they are a family.’
‘Aye, but they urnay related, are they? We have an order here tae put Anais in John Kay’s. She’ll be kept there until she’s eighteen, I reckon, and that is that!’
‘But PC Craig has improved!’ Angus is almost shouting.
‘Aye, but Anais battered an innocent schoolgirl from our village, Mr Everlen. If that family decide tae pursue it, she won’t be done for grievous bodily harm; it will be attempted murder. She needs locked up.’
‘Tag her — I’ll take her tae school personally, and I’ll go at four o’clock and collect her at the gate. You can monitor where she is: and the rest of the time she’ll be on total house-arrest. We let her go tae the funeral on Thursday — and then she’s all yours!’
‘I dinnae think so, Mr Everlen.’
‘Well, your sergeant said I could legally push for extenuating circumstances tae be taken into consideration, should we prove that Anais was in a state of extreme shock when she got in that fight.’
‘That’s what my sergeant said?’ he asks.
‘Aye, pretty much. And you better check with him before you take her anywhere, or you might be the one who gets in trouble,’ Angus says.
‘I’ll check that with the station.’
‘You do that.’
Angus shows him out.
I walk out behind them. Shortie runs up.
‘So are you gonnae tell me where you’ve been yet?’ she asks me.
‘No.’
‘Fuck off, Anais, what’s the big secret?’
‘I umnay going tae John Kay’s.’
‘How? Are they letting you off? Are they letting you stay here?’
‘No.’
‘Then, what?’
‘D’ye think Dylan could break intae the staff safe?’
‘Aye. How?’
Shortie squeezes my hand and she doesnae need me to tell her. I’m getting out. I dinnae care how. If I don’t, then I will only ever have been nothing, and no-one, and what is the point of surviving this — for that?
‘Anais?’
‘Aye, Angus.’
‘I have an order here, I got it from the head of the social-work department. Dinnae ask. He knows someone I know. Anyway, they are going to make sure that you can stay until the funeral — you have special consideration. I am meant tae take you to school tomorrow, but I trust you tae come back, and on Thursday we will go and see Isla off, okay?’
I well up, and he squeezes my shoulder.
‘D’ye want tae talk about it, Anais?’
‘No. But, Angus?’
‘What?’
‘Thanks.’
I am wearing all warm clothes. They call it dressing for the weather. I’ve never bothered before, but right now I want tae be warm, and safe. Head down the woods. Dinnae let the experiment see you planning.
This is what’s different from yesterday — I’ve got my hair cut into a bob, I dinnae want to smoke, I dinnae want food, but I will eat, and not just chocolate. I will eat soup, and bread, and cheese, and I will stop having a day on and a day off tae stay skinny. I will comb my hair, and brush my teeth and learn how tae be nice to me.
Run and catch the first bus; it gets me into town and then I get the second one. Folk from school are on it. It’s stuffy in here. I cannae believe they are making me go in for one day. I sit up the back and have a smoke, just so I have something tae do with my hands. I’m late for school, by like what … a few months?
There’s Christmas decorations in windows and trees, and the lights are on when you go through town and it is so beautiful, a wee fairytale kingdom with old-fashioned rides and doughnut stands and hot mulled wine. I had that once. It was fucking minging. The bus turns right, out into the residential streets, and I look down into a garden of gnomes and reindeer. Santa’s climbing up a chimney.
It’s the 16th December. I opened the square on the advent calendar this morning, and there was nothing in there. Nae chocolate Jesus. John ate the lot, seeing as he cannae help himself but nick things, and he laughs every morning when it’s someone else’s turn to open it and there’s fuck-all there.
I’m wearing my lime-green mini-kilt, thick tights, a jumper and a jacket with a wee dragonfly on the lapel. I put loads of extra conditioner in with my clothes, so everything smells super-clean. I washed my hair twice. I’m wearing my oldest Converse. They look so shit and worn, but they’re great. I put gloves on, and a scarf. I’m dressing myself like I’m somebody else’s bairn. Carefully. Like it counts.
I have a letter in my pocket. I addressed it tae the head of Jay’s prison. I have another one for the guy in Jay’s cell — he told me his name was Rod. I just addressed it to Rod, I dinnae know his number, but I put Jay’s cell number on it. I don’t know if his cellmate will get it. I hope so, though. They dinnae like paedos in jail.
Kids all around me talk about school and what they watched on TV and who’s shagged who. Drift downstairs, get off the bus and wander through the school gates with the crowd.
Through the door. Down the hallway. Into my classroom. Sit down.
‘Anais Hendricks! Nice tae see you’re present,’ the reggie teacher says.
‘Not really present!’ Someone behind me mutters.
Take two Valium out my pocket — chew, swallow, breathe. There’s a late assembly. I follow my class out and down another hall and into the cafeteria, where all the assembly chairs are. Take a seat in my year’s row. Loudness. Voices rattling over each other. Eyes and faces and hair and bags — it’s all glaring. It’s funny: Pat reckoned rape cannae kill you, but she is wrong.
‘Did you take a trip after the October break? You’ve not been in for ages, ay?’ the girl next to me asks.
Smooth down my skirt. I feel stupid. Awkward. I dinnae want tae shrink here.