‘Used to! And it’s not dependence it’s love! I don’t want her as a nursemaid! I want her as a friend and a relation! You don’t realize how alone I am, I have no family — ’
‘You have me.’
‘Well, yes, of course but - I’ve seen so little of you - you couldn’t have a child in your life - of course you haven’t had time. I don’t know you — ’
‘Do you think, Hattie - do you think that you could call me “John Robert”?’
‘I don’t know you, John Robert.’
‘That is my fault.’
‘Of course I’d like to know you better, that would be nice. But Pearl is essential, she’s part of me, I won’t give her up — ’
‘When you marry you will have to — ’
‘Of course I won’t have to, what are you talking about? And as for when I marry, you seemed very anxious to get rid of me when you tried to - to offer me to Tom McCaffrey - and he didn’t want me — ’
‘He didn’t want you?’
‘No, why should he, I don’t blame him, it was a mad idea.’
‘I meant well. One day perhaps you’ll understand. Do you forgive me?’
‘Yes.’
‘Yes, John Robert.’
‘Yes, John Robert. Now I’m going.’
‘No. Don’t go. I forbid you.’
‘I don’t think you can.’
‘Pearl isn’t what you think. She’s not been faithful. I see now she’s an unfit person — ’
‘What on earth do you mean? Pearl has been perfect. She’s done everything. She’s taken all the trouble off you — ’
‘She was well paid for it — ’
‘What a mean thing to say!’
‘She’s envious of you, she’s jealous, she said so, she said to me “she’s got everything and I’ve got nothing”.’
‘Did she really? She must know that everything I have she has.’
‘That’s not so, Hattie. You must be realistic, you must be properly grown-up — ’
‘Being grown-up seems to mean being cynical and ungrateful and stingy!’
‘You and she have different fates, you must see that.’
‘Do you mean we have different stations in society?’
‘You have taken her for granted as a part of your life in a way which is no more possible. This is the natural parting of the ways.’
‘Of course our relationship has to change, it has always been changing, it is changing, but when two people love each other — ’
‘You seem not to realize how much that horrible scandal — ’
‘I don’t care about the scandal — ’
‘Well, you ought to and I do. It has done you a lot of damage — ’
‘Damage to me, what a rotten little journalist says in a rotten little town?’
‘You’ll see later, you’ll suffer for it later — ’
‘You seem quite glad to think so!’
‘You seem not to realize how much that scandal was Pearl’s doing. She told the press about you and Tom McCaffrey, she let that other man in — ’
‘She didn’t tell, she didn’t let him.’
‘She must have done. She’s an irresponsible mischief-maker. You heard her admit that she was outside kissing some man when you thought she was looking for Tom.’
‘Well, why shouldn’t she kiss a man, she’s lived without men all these years for my sake and for your convenience — ’
‘So no doubt it’s time she broke out and dropped the mask — ’
‘There is no mask, she’s a very truthful person, she’s one of the best people I’ve ever met!’
‘I think you don’t know how coarse she is and the things she can say - you are a child and you have met very few people and you think too well of everyone - people who seem nice can be thoroughly wicked.’
‘What’s wicked is that article that you’re so obsessed with, you got all that stuff out of the article, it’s all just spiteful lies, you haven’t any proof. Well, have you?’
‘Strong probabilities amount to proof.’
‘Perhaps they do in philosophy, but I prefer to believe what I see clearly.’
‘That’s in philosophy too. But what you see clearly can be false. Dear Hattie, believe me, I want the best for you, I want you, for your own sake and for my sake, bravely and sensibly, to let this relationship go, to let it disappear naturally into the past. As time goes by we often have to shed relationships which no longer suit us, such shedding is a natural function. There is no need to make a drama of this. You are at a stage in your life where you have to face many changes and challenges, many new things. We have to think about your university career. I want to talk to you at length about that. I am inclined to think now that an American university may suit you better than an English one. I am going to arrange for us to return to California in a matter of days. I’ll buy a house for us near the ocean, you’ll like that, not like the little one at Malibu, a real big house. I’ll aim to keep you with me very much more from now on — ’
‘That is very kind of you, John Robert,’ said Hattie. She had put her hands palm down on the cross-stitch cloth and was leaning foward, gazing at him earnestly with her pale marble-blue eyes. ‘That is very kind of you, and I realize that all sorts of things will change and must change in my life in the next years. I have always done what you wanted. When you wanted to see me I came, when you were tired of me I went away, I never questioned the schools which you chose for me, the journeys which you ordained. I will continue to do what you want, probably. I just tell you now that I will not give up my friendship with Pearl, I cannot, it is part of me. You would surely not respect someone who abandoned her friend.’
‘You speak of abandoning. But she abandons you. You said how much she had given up to be your maid. Can’t you now imagine that she wants to be free of you? She’ll be relieved, glad to go! That’s what I understood her to say when we talked frankly last night when you were in the taxi.’
Hattie, breathing deeply, continued to stare. Then, removing her hands from the table, she leaned back. She said impatiently, ‘This is a silly argument. Of course I must see her, I’ll go to her, she’ll be expecting me. If she feels as you say, which I don’t at all believe, I shall know and naturally I will accept it. Coming away suddenly like that yesterday was horrible, it shouldn’t have happened. You kept bullying us and accusing us of things. You didn’t understand. You don’t know Pearl. I won’t believe anything against her.’ Hattie then stood up.
‘Sit down, please, please, Hattie, sit down a minute, wait.’
Hattie sat down again. She felt hungry. She had eaten nothing last night, being anxious only to get to bed and into the death of oblivion for which she had so much longed at school. She was surprised at herself, at the way she had just been speaking to John Robert, at the firm almost rude tone she had adopted. But she felt perfectly clear-headed about the whole matter, and desperately longing to get back to Pearl.
John Robert then approached the revelation of his secret. He intended only to come near to it, not to tell it. He knew that even this was a mistake and probably morally wrong, but he could not, looking now at Hattie across the table, and after the peculiar exciting awful tension of their fight, resist moving that step closer to her. It was, answering to his wish, an occasion, an opportunity. Perhaps she’s somehow vaguely guessed already, he thought; besides what does it mean? It isn’t anything definite anyway. I’ll just say something now, I must. If she sees Pearl, God knows what horrible thing Pearl might say. That’s another reason for just, at least, telling her in an ordinary way how much I care for her. The fact that Pearl knew it is a reason for speaking out, it’s not even a secret any more. It’s necessary to do so, and now’s the time. Hattie had, once too often, casually expressed her taken-for-granted view that her grandfather did not care for her and regarded her simply as a burden. John Robert felt now he at last could and therefore must comment on that assumption.