‘I don’t think there was,’ said John Robert. He was now regarding George with his pale fierce eyes.
‘I mean a sort of secret doctrine, something you only revealed to the initiated.’
‘No.’
‘Well, I hope you won’t mind if I ask you lots of questions, about philosophy I mean, not personal ones of course, and not today, I just came today to say hello, to look at you sort of, we can fix times later, I expect you’ll be glad of someone to talk philosophy to, I’ve been reading philosophy, you know, I’ve kept it up. I’ll tell you what I’ve been reading, not now, I don’t want to bother you now. I expect lots of people will want to see you and bother you, I expect the Ennistone Gazette has been after you.’
‘No, it hasn’t.’
‘Maybe they’re afraid of you, people seem to be, I was I remember, yes, I was you know. Perhaps you’ve mellowed, as they say! I wonder if you’re writing your memoirs?’
‘No.’
‘You ought to write your memoirs, you’ve had an interesting life, after all. I wonder what you think about your philosophy now, what it amounts to? How would you classify it?’
‘How would I what?’ said John Robert.
‘Sorry, that’s a silly word, I wondered what you felt your contribution had been, along what line? I used to think it was my destiny to explain your philosophy to the world. That was stupid of me, I daresay. But I’d still like to! There’s so much for us to talk about, so much you could explain. We’d need time. You used to say, in philosophy, if you aren’t moving at a snail’s pace you aren’t moving at all!’
‘I’m afraid I won’t have time,’ said John Robert.
‘We could just talk a bit every week, I’d value it so much, there aren’t any other philosophers in Ennistone so far as I know.’
‘I won’t have time,’ John Robert repeated. He looked at his watch. ‘I’m expecting someone, I hope you don’t mind — ’
‘When are they coming?’
‘Eleven,’ said John Robert who was incapable of inventing a social fib or telling a direct lie.
‘Then we’ve a bit of time yet, perhaps I’m talking stupidly, it’s shyness, I’m shy and nervous — ’
‘If you’ve got anything definite to say — ’ said John Robert.
‘I suppose you’ve heard that I lost my job?’
‘No.’
‘I’ve got a pension, so it’s all right. You’ll never guess how I lost it.’
‘Perfectly true.’
‘I broke all the Roman glass in the Museum.’
‘All the Roman glass?’ This idea roused a faint interest in John Robert.
‘Yes, on purpose, I hurled it on the floor and it smashed in pieces, all of it.’
‘Have they glued it together again?’ the sage asked.
‘I’ve no idea. They started picking it up very carefully. One of the girls was crying. Then I left.’
There was a silence.
‘Do you want to know why I —?’
John Robert said abruptly, ‘How’s your wife?’
George, who had been blushing and wearing, he now realized, a perfectly ridiculous expression, hardened his face. He moved out from behind one of the armchairs. He said, ‘I tried to kill her.’
John Robert raised his eyebrows.
‘I drove our car into the canal, on purpose of course like the glass, I jumped out and she went in with the car. Only she got out somehow. Too bad. Better luck next time.’
John Robert said, ‘You haven’t changed much.’
The remark pleased George. He relaxed a little. He said, ‘I wonder if I did really intend to kill her? I’ve asked myself that. It’s something I’d like to discuss with you, it’s like things we used to talk about. What is consciousness, after all, what is it, does it exist?’
‘What else is there?’ said John Robert gloomily.
‘What are motives, is one responsible? You said once we all have contemptible motives. But some thinkers say that crime is a form of grace. Sometimes I’ve felt a crime is like a duty. Isn’t that a kind of transcendental proof? If crime is a duty then evil be thou my good has sense. You once said it hadn’t.’
‘Did I?’
‘You denied it had any content, I think it has. I wonder why you put me off philosophy? Well, you haven’t, I’ve continued on my own. I’d like to tell you what I’ve been thinking. I’m very interested in things you said about time. Sometimes I feel I lose the present moment, like losing the centre of one’s field of vision, my sense of my individuality goes, I can’t feel my present being — ’
‘I suggest you see a doctor.’
‘I’m making a philosophical point! Why did you stop me from doing philosophy?’
‘I thought you weren’t good enough,’ said John Robert looking at his watch again. ‘Vous pensiez trop pour voire intelligence, c’est tout.’
‘Christ, can’t you even tutoie me after all these years? You said “always attempt what is too hard for you”. Didn’t you? That’s just what you prevented me from doing. I was a coward anyway. But now perhaps if you’ll help me — ’
‘I don’t think — ’
‘You ruined my life, you know. Do you know? If you hadn’t discouraged me just at that crucial moment I might have made something of my life. I never recovered from your high standards. So you owe me something!’
‘I owe you nothing,’ said John Robert, but he said it without animosity, indeed without animation.
‘Kant cared about his pupils. Not like Schlick. Kant looked after his pupils years later — ’
‘You know nothing about Schlick.’
‘You destroyed my belief in good and evil, you were Mephistopheles to my Faust.’
‘You flatter yourself.’
‘You think I don’t have Faustian temptations? You have stolen me from myself. You used to say philosophy was like the Grand National, or else it’s nothing. Maybe I’ve broken my neck. If I’ve broken my neck, I wish to God you’d shoot me.’
‘Your head seems to be full of things I used to say. Please don’t get so excited.’
‘I’ve read a lot of things about you, I read an article saying you believed Plato’s Form of the Good was a large marble ball preserved somewhere on top of a column. Did you read that?’
‘No.’
‘It wasn’t very polite. So you’ve given up philosophy?’
‘No.’
‘I thought you said you had.’
‘No.’
‘You look much older. How old are you? You’ve got false teeth, you didn’t have when I saw you in California. I hope I’m dead when I’m your age. I suppose you’re waiting for me to apologize?’
‘What for?’
‘Being bloody rude to you in California.’
‘It doesn’t matter.’
‘It does. I do apologize. And for being rude today. I prostrate myself. Caliban must be saved too.’
‘What?’
‘Caliban must be saved too. You said that in a lecture. Have you forgotten?’
‘Yes.’
‘I haven’t. I knew you were talking about me. God, how much more real I feel now that I’m with you at last, more bloody real than I’ve felt for years, for years. I’ve craved for your presence. John Robert, you must help me. You stole my reality, you stole my consciousness, you’re the only person who can give them back to me. Salvation is by magic, you said that once. I beg you, I beseech you. It’s a matter of salvation, it’s a matter of living or dying. Christ, can’t you even look at me, can’t you concentrate on me for a moment? Please let me see you, let me be with you, it doesn’t matter what we talk about.’
‘George,’ said John Robert, looking at him at last, ‘you are suffering from an illusion. There is no structure here to make sense of the language you are using, there is no context for any conversation between us. If I was kind to you now and encouraged you to come and see me I would be lying to you. I don’t want to discuss your soul and your imagined sins. I am not interested, I haven’t any wisdom or any help to give you. You have an entirely illusory view of our relationship. And do stop worrying about philosophy - in your case philosophy is just a nervous craving.’