"What is it?"
"When you write this… I want you to please keep in mind that we still need to get this man. You have information that could irreparably harm our chances of doing that. I'm talking about specific things. Details of the profile. Details about the possible hypnosis, the condoms. If you print those, Jack, and they are repeated on TV or in a newspaper he has access to, then he will change his routine. See what I'm saying? It will only make it harder for us."
I nodded but then looked at him with a hard stare.
"You're not going to tell me what to write."
"I know that. I'm asking you to think about your brother, about us, and be careful of what you write. I trust you, Jack. Implicitly."
I thought about that for a long moment and then nodded again.
"Bob, I made a deal with you and came out on the short end. If you want me to protect you now, there's got to be a new deal. You're going to have reporters coming out of the woodwork today. But I want you to refer all calls to public affairs in Quantico. I talk to and quote from you exclusively. Also, I get the fax from the Poet exclusively. You give me that and I won't mention the details of the profile or the hypnosis in my story."
"That's a deal," Backus said.
He said it so quickly that I started to think he knew exactly what I had been going to say, that he had known all along that I was going to suggest the new deal.
"But one thing, Jack," Backus said. "Let's agree on holding back one line from the fax. If we start getting confessions, we'll be able to use the hold-back line to weed out the phonies."
"No problem," I said.
"I'll be here. I'll tell the front that your calls can come through. No one else from the press."
"There will be a lot of those calls."
"My intention was to let public affairs handle it anyway."
"If the statement they put out includes the origination of the case, tell them not to use my name. Just say inquiries from the Rocky Mountain News started it rolling."
Backus nodded.
"One last thing," I said and then paused a moment. "I'm still concerned about the leak. If I find out the L.A. Times or any other media outlet also got the Poet fax today, then I'll put everything I know into the next story. The profile, everything. Okay?"
"Understood."
"You weasel," Thorson said angrily. "You think you can just come in here and dictate what-"
"Fuck you, Thorson," I said. "I've been wanting to say that to you since Quantico. Fuck you, okay? If I was betting, I'd say you were the leak, so don't tell me anything about being a weas-"
"FUCK YOU!" Thorson roared as he stood up to challenge me.
But quickly Backus was up and putting a hand on his shoulder. He gently pushed him back down into his seat. Rachel watched the whole thing, a small, thin smile on her face.
"Easy, Gordon," Backus soothed. "Easy. Nobody's accusing anyone of anything. Let's keep things cool. Everybody's a little hot and bothered today but it's no reason why we can't cool down. Jack, that's a dangerous accusation. If you have something to back it up, let's hear it. If not, you'd best leave things like that unsaid."
I said nothing. I only had my gut instinct that Thorson had leaked the story to fuck me over because of some paranoia about reporters in general and my relationship with Rachel in particular. It wasn't the kind of thing to bring up for discussion. Everybody eventually took their seats and just stared at each other.
"That was entertaining as hell, fellas, but I'd like to do some work today," Rachel finally said.
"And I have to go," I said. "What line do you want to hold back on the fax?"
"The riddle," Backus answered. "Don't mention Best Pals."
I thought a moment. It was one of the better lines.
"Fine. No problem."
I stood up and so did Rachel.
"I'll give you a ride back to the hotel."
"Is it that bad, getting scooped like that?" she asked as we were headed back to the hotel.
"It's bad. I guess it's like with you guys, the ones that get away. I hope Backus busts Thorson for this. The asshole."
"It will be hard for him to prove anything. It's just going to be suspicion."
"If you told Backus about us and told him that Thorson knew, then he'd believe it."
"I can't. If I told Backus about us I'd be the one who'd go down."
After some silence she changed the subject back to the story.
"You'll have so much more than he had."
"What? Who?"
"I'm talking about Warren. You'll have a better story."
"First with the story, first with the glory. That's an old newspaper saying. But it's true. In most stories, the one that's there first is always the one who gets the credit, even if the first story is full of holes and bullshit. Even if it's a stolen story."
"Is that what it's about? Getting credit? Just being first, even if you don't have it right?"
I looked over at her and tried to smile.
"Yeah, sometimes. Most times. Pretty noble job, huh?"
She didn't answer. We drove in silence for a while. I wished that she would say something about us and what we had or didn't have but she didn't. We were getting close to the hotel now.
"What if I can't convince him to let me stay here and I have to go back to Denver? What happens to us?"
She didn't answer for a while.
"I don't know, Jack. What do you want to happen?"
"I don't know but I don't want it to just end like this. I thought…"
I didn't know how to say what I wanted to tell her.
"I don't want it to end like this, either."
She drove to the front of the hotel to drop me off. She said she had to get back. A guy in a red jacket with gold braid on the shoulders opened the door for me, robbing us of any privacy. I wanted to kiss her but something about the situation and being in the G car made it seem inappropriate and awkward.
"I'll see you when I can," I said. "As soon as I can."
"Good," she said, smiling. "Good-bye, Jack. Good luck with the story. Call me at the field office and let me know if you are writing from here. Maybe we can get together tonight."
That was a better reason than any I had come up with for staying in Phoenix. She reached over and touched my beard like she had done once before. And just before I got out of the car she told me to wait. She took a card out of her purse and wrote a number on the back of it, then she gave it to me.
"That's my pager number in case something happens. It's on the satellite, so you can beep me wherever I am."
"In the whole world?"
"The whole world. Until the satellite falls."
32
Gladden looked at the words on the screen. They were beautiful, as if written by the unseen hand of God. So right. So knowledgeable. He read them again.
____________________
They know about me now and I am ready. I await them. I am prepared to take my place in the pantheon of faces. I feel as I did as a child when I waited for the closet door to be opened so that I could receive him. The line of light at the bottom. My beacon. I watched the light and the shadows each of his footfalls made. Then I knew he was there and that I would have his love. The apple of his eye.
We are what they make us and yet they turn from us. We are cast off. We become nomads in the world of the moan. My rejection is my pain and motivation. I carry with me the vengeance of all the children. I am the Eidolon. I am called the predator, the one to watch for in your midst. I am the cucoloris, the blur of light and dark. My story is not one of deprivation and abuse. I welcomed the touch. I can admit it. Can you? I wanted, craved, welcomed the touch. It was only the rejection-when my bones grew too large-that cut me so deeply and forced on me the life of a wanderer. I am the cast off. And the children must stay forever young.
____________________
He looked up when the phone rang. It was on the counter in the kitchen and he stared at it as it rang. It was the first call she had gotten. The machine picked up after three rings and her taped message played. Gladden had written it out on a piece of paper and made her read it three times before it was recorded on the fourth. Stupid woman, he thought as he listened now. She wasn't much of an actress-at least with her clothes on.