“Why are you so sure?”
“It’s far more fun, isn’t it?”
“What if you found yourself married to a boring man?”
“I wouldn’t marry a boring man. And I don’t find all that many men are boring. Usually the very attractive ones are married, but that’s a different thing. It’s women I find who are mostly boring and small and spiteful.”
“What would you do if you found yourself pregnant?” I asked tensely.
“You mean if I weren’t married?”
“Yes.”
“I’d want to get married.”
“And if the man was already married or wouldn’t marry you for some reason.”
“I’d throw myself in the Liffey,” she drew herself up in unfeigned alarm. “What are you laughing at?”
“You wouldn’t. You’re too young and healthy. And beautifully normal. Anyhow the man would be sure to marry you. I’d want to marry you.”
Suddenly she pinned my shoulders to the sofa and we started to roll. She was unusually swift and strong, “I give up,” I laughed, and then she loosed herself again to my hands. Afterwards she said suddenly, “Would you like to see your aunt?”
“Why?”
“The nurse on night duty on the ward is a friend. It might be fun to walk across the meadow to see her.”
“But what would my aunt say if she saw me there?”
“She’ll not see you. The lights’ll all be off. You’ve come often enough in to see her in the day but I’m sure you never thought you’d be in to see her in the middle of the night with a wild nurse,” she drew me by the hand.
A heavy summer’s dew lay on the fallen swards and our shoes left bright tracks across the meadow. The grey of day was beginning to be mixed with the moonlight, but the sweet fragrance of the new hay was everywhere. She searched among a bunch of keys after we’d crossed the meadow and opened a door down concrete steps between bare tubular steel railings, “It’s the back way,” she whispered, “where the laundry and that comes out.”
We climbed bare concrete stairs and went through swing doors. Suddenly we were in a long hall with beds on either side. I asked her if it was the ward and she nodded. I hadn’t recognized it, always having come to it from the other side. The ward was in darkness, except for the lines of moonlight, and the blue light beside the night nurse sitting behind the glass at the other end. My heart was beating as I counted the beds from the other end to discover where my aunt was lying. As I drew near to that bed I stopped and caught her.
“She may see us.”
“No. Even if she were awake she’d think it was a change of nurses.”
“I’m not going any further.” I could feel my heart pounding. “You go on to your friend. I’ll just stay here.”
In the dim light, I stood and listened to the far roar of the night traffic through the city. I thought I heard a moan or few words of prayer in the night but could not be certain because of my pounding heart. All were women in this ward and they all had cancer. It was like being in the middle of a maternity ward in the night, and all those women were waiting to give birth, to their own death. I counted the beds again to the right of the door. Her bed must be the bed two beds away. I searched for the heap of bed clothes. I thought I saw them move. People have a second sense? What if she sensed me there? The two girls were smiling in the blue light behind the glass and beckoning me forward. They were like what, like roses, I did not know, among pain, ignorant of all pain, like girls, like blue roses. They sank into chairs, laughing as I shook my head. When they started to call me again, still laughing, I turned away, and did not turn back till I heard them come towards me. I felt like kissing the other girl instead of shaking her hand, kissing them both, laughing and crying. Almost not knowing what I was doing, I followed her out into the night, and there was the sharp sound of the lock turning.
“Bridie was delighted to see us. It broke up the night for ner. Often you’d long for an emergency at night though it’d mean more work. The night goes quicker then. You should have come into the office. The office is soundproof and Bridie wanted to meet you.”
“I was afraid.”
“You never thought you’d be coming in to see your aunt in the middle of the night, did you?” she laughed roguishly and I seized her in a long kiss, her body almost completely naked beneath the dress. When I released her she picked up two big fistfuls of hay and putting them up to her face pretended to be advancing slowly on me from behind a barrier of hay. When she was very close, with a sudden movement, she piled the hay all over my hair and face, and started to run. I clawed the hay free and as soon as I caught her we both went down into the wet grass. I could single out stale sweat now and perfume and ammonia smells mixed with scent of the new hay. When we rolled over and lay still on the ground it was amazing to see the moon so large and still, becalmed above the trees and out in the depths of the sky. We rose without a word and went in.
She went straight ahead after going through the door of the home, this time down a narrow straight corridor. She opened a door very quietly, and we were more in a cell than a room, white walls, a radiator, a narrow bed, a dressing table and wardrobe, and on the wall above the head of the bed a plain black crucifix.
“This is my room,” she whispered and put her fingers to her lips. “The walls are paper thin.”
There were photos of football teams on the dressing table and she lifted them, pointing out several players, “My brothers.” More than half the players in one of the photos seemed to be her brothers. I lifted another photo, that of a handsome grey-haired man and herself, both in evening dress.
“He’s very handsome. Is he your father?”
“No,” she laughed. “He’s the married man.”
“Let me stay a half-hour. Let me hold you in my arms.”
“The walls are worse than paper.”
“I’ll be quieter than if you were here on your own.”
“But it’s practically morning.”
“I don’t care. I promise to go in half an hour,” and with a smile and almost resignedly she turned off the light.
The curtain wasn’t drawn and I held her when she’d slipped out of her clothes to caress and worship her body in the soft yellow light. She was soft and amazingly beautiful, yet rugged as a young animal. I followed her as quietly as I’d promised into the narrow bed, and hardly daring to breathe held her in my arms.
This body was the shelter of the self. Like all walls and shelters it would age and break and let the enemy in. But holding it now was like holding glory, and having held it once was to hold it — no matter how broken and conquered — in glory still, and with the more terrible tenderness.
“We met on a poor night,” I whispered.
“Why?”
“I have to go to London in the morning,” and when she looked at me as if I was lying, “I know it sounds like an excuse but it’s true. You can even ask my aunt if you don’t believe me.”
“How long will you be?”
“A week or so. I can’t be certain. I’ll ring you when I get back.”
She took my mouth in a long kiss, sealing her whole body to mine.
“I suppose it’s not safe?” I said.
“It’s never safe.”
“There’s no use risking spoiling it, then.”
“The next time I’ll have precautions,” and she went below the sheets, the peace that flooded out a perfect calm, the even moonlight only a thin tattered shadow.
“You don’t resent I’m not a virgin?” she whispered as we kissed after phoning a taxi.
“I’m too old for that. Why should I? Why should you be idle while waiting for my white horse that might never gallop even close.”
“I’m glad,” she kissed me again. “You’d be surprised how many resent it.”