I saw from his expression that he wanted at last to tell me something of great importance which he had till now refrained from telling.
“I am afraid of disgrace,” he whispered mysteriously. “What disgrace? On the contrary! Believe me, Stepan Trofimovitch, that all this will be explained to-day and will end to your advantage. . . .”
“Are you so sure that they will pardon me?”
“Pardon you? What! What a word! What have you done? I assure you you've done nothing.”
“Qu'en savez-vous; all my life has been . . . cher . . . They'll remember everything . . . and if they find nothing, it will be worse still, ” he added all of a sudden, unexpectedly. “How do you mean it will be worse?”
“It will be worse.”
“I don't understand.”
“My friend, let it be Siberia, Archangel, loss of rights — if I must perish, let me perish! But ... I am afraid of something else.” (Again whispering, a scared face, mystery.) “But of what? Of what?”
“They'll flog me,” he pronounced, looking at me with a face of despair.
“Who'll flog you? What for? Where?” I cried, feeling alarmed that he was going out of his mind.
“Where? Why there . . . where 'that's' done.”
“But where is it done?”
“Eh, cher,' ” he whispered almost in my ear. “The floor suddenly gives way under you, you drop half through. . . . Every one knows that.”
“Legends!” I cried, guessing what he meant. “Old tales. Can you have believed them till now?” I laughed.
“Tales! But there must be foundation for them; flogged men tell no tales. I've imagined it ten thousand times.”
“But you, why you? You've done nothing, you know.”
“That makes it worse. They'll find out I've done nothing and flog me for it.”
“And you are sure that you'll be taken to Petersburg for that.”
“My friend, I've told you already that I regret nothing, ma carriere est finie. From that hour when she said good-bye to me at Skvoreshniki my life has had no value for me . . . but disgrace, disgrace, que dira-t-elle if she finds out?”
He looked at me in despair. And the poor fellow flushed all over. I dropped my eyes too.
“She'll find out nothing, for nothing will happen to you. I feel as if I were speaking to you for the first time in my life, Stepan Trofimovitch, you've astonished me so this morning.”
“But, my friend, this isn't fear. For even if I am pardoned, even if I am brought here and nothing is done to me — then I am undone. Elle me soupfonnera toute sa vie — me, me, the poet, the thinker, the man whom she has worshipped for twenty-two years!”
“It will never enter her head.”
“It will,” he whispered with profound conviction. “We've talked of it several times in Petersburg, in Lent, before we came away, when we were both afraid. . . . Elle me soupfonnera toute sa vie . . . and how can I disabuse her? It won't sound likely. And in this wretched town who'd believe it, c'est invraisemblable. . . . Et puis les femmes, she will be pleased. She will be genuinely grieved like a true friend, but secretly she will be pleased. ... I shall give her a weapon against me for the rest of my life. Oh, it's all over with me! Twenty years of such perfect happiness with her . . . and now!” He hid his face in his hands.
“Stepan Trofimovitch, oughtn't you to let Varvara Petrovna know at once of what has happened?” I suggested.
“God preserve me!” he cried, shuddering and leaping up from his place. “On no account, never, after what was said at parting at Skvoreshniki — never!” His eyes flashed.
We went on sitting together another hour or more, I believe, expecting something all the time — the idea had taken such hold of us. He lay down again, even closed his eyes, and lay for twenty minutes without uttering a word, so that I thought he was asleep or unconscious. Suddenly he got up impulsively, pulled the towel off his head, jumped up from the sofa, rushed to the looking-glass, with trembling hands tied his cravat, and in a voice of thunder called to Nastasya, telling her to give him his overcoat, his new hat and his stick.
“I can bear no more,” he said in a breaking voice. “I can't, I can't! I am going myself.”
“Where?” I cried, jumping up too.
“To Lembke. Cher, I ought, I am obliged. It's my duty. I am a citizen and a man, not a worthless chip. I have rights; I want my rights. . . . For twenty years I've not insisted on my rights. All my life I've neglected them criminally . . . but now I'll demand them. He must tell me everything — everything. He received a telegram. He dare not torture me; if so, let him arrest me, let him arrest me!”
He stamped and vociferated almost with shrieks. “I approve of what you say,” I said, speaking as calmly as possible, on purpose, though I was very much afraid for him.
“Certainly it is better than sitting here in such misery, but I can't approve of your state of mind. Just see what you look like and in what a state you are going there! Il faut etre digne et calme avec Lembke. You really might rush at some one there and bite him.”
“I am giving myself up. I am walking straight into the jaws of the Hon. . . .”
“I'll go with you.”
“I expected no less of you, I accept your sacrifice, the sacrifice of a true friend; but only as far as the house, only as far as the house. You ought not, you have no right to compromise yourself further by being my confederate. Oh, croyez-moi, je serai calme. I feel that I am at this moment d la hauteur de tout ce que il y a de plus sacre.” . . .
“I may perhaps go into the house with you,” I interrupted him. “I had a message from their stupid committee yesterday through Vysotsky that they reckon on me and invite me to the file to-morrow as one of the stewards or whatever it is ... one of the six young men whose duty it is to look after the trays, wait on the ladies, take the guests to their places, and wear a rosette of crimson and white ribbon on the left shoulder. I meant to refuse, but now why shouldn't I go into the house on the excuse of seeing Yulia Mihailovna herself about it? ... So we will go in together.”
He listened, nodding, but I think he understood nothing. We stood on the threshold.
“Cher”— he stretched out his arm to the lamp before the ikon —“ cher, I have never believed in this, but ... so be it, so be it!” He crossed himself.” Allans! ”
“Well, that's better so,” I thought as I went out on to the steps with him. “The fresh air will do him good on the way, and we shall calm down, turn back, and go home to bed. ...”
But I reckoned without my host. On the way an adventure occurred which agitated Stepan Trofimovitch even more, and finally determined him to go on ... so that I should never have expected of our friend so much spirit as he suddenly displayed that morning. Poor friend, kind-hearted friend!
Last updated on Wed Jan 12 09:26:22 2011 for eBooks@Adelaide.