Royce was surprised he felt so relieved. "I'm not a difficult man to get along with," he told her.
He fully expected her agreement. He didn't get it. "Yes, you are difficult," she countered. "Where will you send Justin?"
"I'm not sending Justin anywhere."
"Then Thurston will still come back here. He'll come for Justin."
"Yes." He didn't expound on that answer.
Nicholaa leaned away from him. "Ulric could have stayed…" She stopped when he shook his head. "I don't understand," she said.
"Justin's a man, Nicholaa. He can make his own choices. Ulric can't. I couldn't allow him to be caught in a tug-of-war."
"But Justin's like a child, too," Nicholaa argued.
"He isn't," he countered. "He's weak now, but each day he'll improve, in both mind and body."
"And if Thurston comes back to get him before this improvement takes place?"
"Justin won't leave with him."
Royce didn't add that it didn't matter if Justin wanted to go or not. He wouldn't allow her brother to leave until he was strong enough to survive on his own.
"Has he improved since that first day?" she asked, trying to sound only mildly interested.
"Yes."
"So everything's going according to your plans?"
"Yes."
She let out a loud sigh. "Then you don't have to kick Justin anymore?"
Royce smiled. His wife had finally managed to bring up the topic he knew she'd wanted to discuss.
"Answer me, please," she said. "Do you still kick Justin?"
There was a noticeable sting in her voice now. Royce ignored it. "Only when I want to," he finally answered.
She tried to get off his lap. He held her tight. "You really shouldn't have watched, you know."
"Lawrence told you, didn't he?" She sounded indignant.
"My vassal didn't betray you, Nicholaa. It was his duty to tell me. Besides, your expression would have told me anyway."
"It was my right to watch," she announced. "He's my brother."
"That isn't as important as his relationship to me."
"He's just your brother-in-law," she said incredulously.
"He's also my vassal," he patiently explained. "That bond is far more important. Surely you understand that."
She didn't understand anything anymore. Everything had been turned inside out since the Normans started running things. King William had set up a rigid power structure in which everyone in his kingdom had a specific place, a specific duty. Aye, from the lowest serfs to the highest noblemen, everyone had a place. Everyone but Nicholaa… or so she felt in her heart. She didn't fit in to this new scheme of things. She was suddenly so frightened that she actually started shaking. For a long time she'd had many responsibilities, but now Royce was methodically taking those duties away from her. She'd made a vow to protect her family in any way that she could. She had once believed that Ulric and Justin needed her to keep them safe. Now Ulric was gone. Soon Justin would leave, too. When her brother completed his training, he would leave to find his own way in this difficult world. Justin didn't need her even now, she realized. No, he needed Royce to teach him how to be strong again.
No one needed her. The holding belonged to Royce, and so did the servants. They had already given her husband their complete loyalty. It was only right, she told herself, because he was the master of this castle now… but where did that leave her?
Nicholaa couldn't shake the bout of self-pity she seemed to be wallowing in. She let out a sigh, pushed herself off her husband's lap, and prepared for bed. She barely noticed that Royce was undressing, too.
Damn, she hated feeling sorry for herself, but she couldn't seem to stop. She felt empty inside-guilty, too. She'd deliberately trapped Royce into this marriage. He was only making the best of his circumstances.
Nicholaa was standing near the bed, dressed only in her white chemise, her mind filled with chaos, when Royce put his arms around her waist and pulled her back against him. He leaned down to nuzzle the side of her neck.
"Royce, you don't need anyone, do you?"
Since they'd been talking about her brother only minutes before, he misunderstood her question. "I'm a trainer," he answered. "I'm not supposed to need anyone."
She turned around in his arms, splaying her hands on his bare chest. "I have a confession to make to you," she said. "Will you listen to me?"
Her fingers were making circles around his nipples. He put his hands on top of hers. "If you want me to listen, you'll have to stop that."
"This is a serious confession," she warned him.
He quit smiling. "All right. I'm listening."
She turned her gaze to his chin. She didn't want to be distracted. "When I chose you for my husband, I was thinking only of myself. I was being very selfish. I realize that now. I didn't care if I ruined your life."
"I would never allow anyone to ruin my life," he countered.
"But you never would have chosen me," she rushed out. She put her hand over his mouth to stop him from interrupting her again. "You probably think I was just getting even with you for taking me to London, and in part, perhaps that was true. But there was much more to my reasons, Royce. You were so gentle with Ulric. I knew you'd be a good father when I saw how you held him and made certain he was protected. You were gentle with me, too," she added in another rush. "I came to know you quite well by the time we reached London. You're proud and arrogant, but also strong and patient."
She paused to gather her courage to give him the rest of her confession. Royce pulled her hand away from his mouth and kissed her palm. "Are you finished yet? I have something to say to you when you're done."
She shook her head. "I have to say all of this, Royce, before I lose my courage."
His smile was filled with tenderness. "You have enough courage. You can afford to lose a little of it," he told her.
He was wrong, but she wasn't going to tell him so now.
"You'd already given me your word you'd look after Justin," she said, "but that wasn't enough for me. No, I then forced you to marry me and added Ulric and myself to your burden." She let out a sigh. "I can't change what I've done to you, but I want you to know I'm sorry I didn't consider your feelings. I know I haven't made your adjustment easy. I've fought you every step of the way. But that's going to stop now. I'm going to be the kind of wife you want, Royce. I give you my word. We'll live in peace and harmony together, just the way you want."
He gently brushed the hair away from her face. The tenderness in his expression brought tears to her eyes. She ached with her need to tell him she loved him. She wouldn't give him that confession, though, no matter how much she wanted to, for her pledge would only be one more burden for him to carry around. She knew he didn't love her, and because he was such a kind, caring man, he was sure to feel guilty over that fact.
"Nicholaa, are you sorry you married me?"
"Oh, no, I'm not sorry," she answered. "You haven't listened to a word I've said, have you? You're the one who's sorry."
"I am?"
His sudden grin waylaid her concentration. She nodded, but couldn't remember why. She was overwrought, she decided. She put her arms around her husband's neck, drawing his full attention, then tugged on his hair to bring his head down to hers. When he complied with that command, she kissed him with all the love and passion inside her.
Royce had planned to sit down with her and straighten out all of her crooked conclusions, but the minute her mouth touched his, he decided to put that discussion aside until later. He only wanted to think about kissing her back.
He went a little wild when her tongue rubbed against his. He growled low in his throat to let her know how much he liked that boldness. His hands shook when he untied the ribbon holding her chemise together. He moved back just long enough to let the garment fall to the floor, then roughly pulled her up against him, his jaw clenching when he felt her soft full breasts press against his chest.