The waitress set the martinis before them, and Craig said, ‘Skål,’ and sipped the drink slowly, determined to have no more than one.
‘Did your wife come here with you?’ Emily asked.
‘Oh, yes. She loved it, naturally. But one visit was enough. She wasn’t an on-the-town type. Are you?’
‘Heavens, no.’
‘I didn’t think so. I’m not, either. But Harriet liked to collect quaint restaurants. She liked to go once, and that was it. When she was a student at Columbia, she lived in Greenwich Village a while. I don’t believe she ever got over it. Whenever we went into a city, she would try to find its Greenwich Village.’
‘How did she like living in a small town?’
‘Very much. But had she lived, I don’t think we would have stayed there. She was a homebody, but always at civil war with her arty side. She was satisfied to stay inside, if she knew Greenwich Village was available somewhere outside.’
‘And you?’ asked Emily.
‘I’m not Greenwich Village at all. I was headed in that direction once- Taos, I thought, or Monterey -but I was saved in the nick of time. In those days, I wanted to write, not talk about it. No, I’m not Bohemia. I’m grass roots. What are you, Emily?’
She revolved her drink slowly in her hand. ‘I’m wherever I am. I merge with the landscape. What is outside doesn’t matter, because I live inside myself.’
‘Are you satisfied?’
‘Who is ever satisfied? I’m content. I manage.’
‘That’s a big thing,’ said Craig. ‘That’s a kind of peace.’
‘So is dying, I suppose. Don’t envy me. I’m a vegetable. Can you envy a vegetable?’
He smiled. ‘Yes, I can.’ Suddenly, he could not allow last night’s lie about his way of life remain a deceit. ‘You see, I don’t even have a vegetable’s peace. At least, not recently. Last night, before the banquet, you wanted to know how I lived, and I wanted to impress you. I gave you the country squire routine. Not true, I’m afraid.’
‘What is true, Andrew?’
‘Well, no laments, no dirges, on a night like this, in a happy place with a pretty girl. But-’
He hesitated and then was silent.
‘I want to know,’ she said.
‘For three years, I haven’t worked and haven’t lived. Until this trip, I haven’t been fifty miles out of Miller’s Dam. I haven’t gone back to recreations, haven’t had a date, haven’t written so much as a letter.’ As he spoke, he automatically expurgated the drinking and the suicidal guilts. ‘I wake up and don’t know the day or the weather or if there is a bird or flower left alive. I go through each day eating Leah’s cooking, and holding books I don’t read, and playing cards with Lucius Mack, and falling asleep. At least, a vegetable grows. I’m a fossil.’
‘Is it all your wife?’
‘It used to be. I’m not so sure of that any more. I haven’t thought of her too much in the last year. But the inertia remains. Well, at least until today. I felt alive, today, and growing again. I think I mean that as a compliment to you.’
Emily was shy, but not coy, and she said simply, ‘Thank you, Andrew.’
‘I know I chattered on a good deal about her and us and our honeymoon today. But it wasn’t longing that inspired my monologue. It was being alive, in the streets, with a woman again, someone before whom I wanted to perform as a man, and I found I could discuss the past quite naturally. What started all this outpouring?’
‘You envied a vegetable.’ She paused and examined her drink. ‘Don’t. Because I lied to you, too, last night, with my usual surface fairy tale. All the big people coming and going, myself the ravishing hostess, the glamorous dates in Atlanta. None of that is true. All that exists to be had, but I don’t have it. I exile myself to my bedroom. I drug myself with my books. Except for Uncle Max, I’m alone.’
‘How can that be? A girl like you-I would imagine a hundred suitors beating a path to your door.’
‘Not a hundred, but some. I won’t deny that. I’ve let them know I’m not available. I do not choose to run.’
‘Don’t you want a husband, children, a home of your own?’
‘I want children and a home of my own.’
‘I see.’ He finished his drink and regarded her thoughtfully. ‘You let me speak of my loss. What about yours?’
‘You mean my mother and father? That’s so long ago-’
‘Is it?’
She stared at him. ‘No, it isn’t. My mother was wearing a faded green cotton dress that day. It had been mended a hundred times. And she always kept it clean. I was asleep in the barracks-it was dawn-and she leaned over and kissed me, and I saw she was wearing the green dress. “Emmy,” she said, “the Commandant wants to see me. Maybe it will be good news. I will wake you when I come back.” She never came back. They put her on the cattle car for Auschwitz. My father was in Berlin with Uncle Max. I’d forgotten his face by then-except his funny nose-he and Uncle Max had twin noses, like two tulip bulbs-but aside from that, I could remember nothing but the smell of the lotion he wore after shaving and an expression of endearment he had always used when we played together-and so, after my mother went, I was alone. It was like being a child and waking up suddenly to find the house empty and dark.’
Craig was silent, for there was nothing to say.
She glanced about the room absently and then looked at Craig. ‘When Uncle Max brought me to America,’ she said, ‘I made up my mind that I was just born and had come from nowhere. I never spoke German again, or read it, or even thought in German. I extinguished it through sheer willpower from my life. To this day, I won’t read a book by a German author or buy a product made in Germany. If this award had not been so important to Uncle Max, I would not have made this trip with him-because Sweden is so near to Germany. Being here, a few hours away, I can’t tell you how it makes me feel. It makes me vengeful-and it makes me afraid-both, at the same time. Why am I vengeful? Who is there any longer to punish? Why am I afraid? Don’t I have a United States passport? But anyway, there it is. And now, I have talked too much. Let us put away the past and speak of the present.’ She tried to smile. ‘I had a happy day today, Andrew. I’m grateful. I don’t think I’ll ever forget Stockholm.’
‘I don’t think I will, either,’ he said. ‘Let’s wait and see.’
It was almost eleven o’clock in the evening when Craig returned to his Grand Hotel suite.
The spell of the evening, of Emily’s allurement, was still upon him. Their dinner at Den Gyldene Freden had stretched lazily over three hours. There had been comfortable talk and comfortable silences. They had discussed the better parts of their pasts, and dreams and desires half forgotten, and, several times, they had timorously made mention of their separate futures. All through dinner, the cellar had filled with customers, and when dinner was over, encouraged by the lute player, they had blended their voices with a hundred others, humming melodies that were international.
Afterwards, they had promenaded through the Old Town, and when it became too cold, they had made their way more quickly over the bridge that led them to the Grand Hotel. Although they had been close all the evening, Craig deliberately took no advantage of it when they reached the door of the Stratman suite. He was not sure what Emily expected, but the first experience with her and a sure instinct told him that she would be apprehensive. As she put the key in the door and opened it, his demeanour changed to one of friendly formality. He had said that he hoped he could see her tomorrow, and she had replied that she hoped so, too, although she did not know what her uncle’s schedule would be. She had extended her hand, thanking him for their sightseeing and the dinner, and he had taken her cool fingers and palm, thanking her for her company. And then, swiftly, he had departed.