❂ Invest in self. Mallory attacks your self-image and sense of worth. This means you see no alternative to the relationship. To counter this, you create alternatives and build up your inner strengths.
❂ Move to exit. You now end the relationship, on your terms. There will be no negotiated settlement. Mallory must become history, one way or another.
None of these are one-day exercises. It all takes time. During that time, as Mallory realizes what you are doing, she will attack you. Few threats are as real to Mallory as a person determined to unmask him. And when she sees danger, she reacts with dramatic force. You need to learn to keep your nerve and not buckle. Remember what I said about predators being more bluff than bite.
Regain Control
By now we are moving to active resistance, and towards taking control of the situation. Psychopaths have specific weaknesses — like their paranoia — that you can learn, and then use.
They are arrogant and their superiority complex makes them careless. They are not used to any form of attack or active resistance. They often respond in dramatic and stupid ways. They tend to repeat the same responses over and over. Psychopaths are like actors: creative in a dramatic way and yet unable to see beyond their stage.
You have stopped reacting to Mallory’s provocations and promises. You’ve started to decode his motivations and techniques. You’ve felt your power returning. The next step is to take the lead, in your relationship with Mallory.
Start with conversation. This is Mallory’s main tool for manipulating you. Learn to control the start and end of every conversation. Choose when to talk and choose when to stop talking. If Mallory tries to start a conversation, you "have things to do." If Mallory forces his way into your space and begins making noise, you ignore him. If he insists, you leave.
Next, set the tone of any exchange. You can be friendly and generous, or cold, or outright hostile. At all times, be deliberate and conscious of your words and emotions. Learn how to control the direction of discussion through your own emotions. You will see that generosity or hostility both tend to provoke aggression. Try to see humor in the situation. How does Mallory respond when you mock him?
In face-to-face discussions, use a hidden audio recorder if you can. When you catch something valuable, save the recording. In written discussions, realize that every word you say is open to scrutiny.
If you cannot end a conversation, you can still control it. Let’s look at two techniques: chaffing and provocation. Chaffing is to overload Mallory with irrelevant detail about random topics. Provocation is to goad Mallory into idiocy or violence, and then record him.
Chaffing disrupts Mallory’s ability to manipulate you. He works with averages. He knows how you, and others, respond in conversation. He thinks several moves ahead, like a chess grandmaster.
Is he trying to get you to talk about your work? Spend half an hour telling him about the traffic, and the road works, and the weather. Then switch to cheese. Then discuss politics. Try to feel sincere about the topics.
When you leap around in unpredictable directions, he loses his focus. He starts to feel blocked, and will withdraw. He doesn’t enjoy playful banter.
Provocation sounds dangerous, yet as I explained, Mallory is a creature of bluff. Your goal is to kick off his visceral response, and to record it. One easy way to provoke him is to say "no" to a request, without explanation. Just refuse, turn and walk away, and switch on your audio recorder. Five minutes later you’ll have a violent outburst.
You can also accuse Mallory of violation of whatever social contracts they are breaking. Threaten him with exposure. Again, walk away, start recording, and wait for Mallory to come back. You will often get only one chance, as the next time, Mallory will have a story to answer that accusation.
In such a confrontation, you must control your emotions. Mallory will shotgun accusations and slander against you. He’ll pick up on any reaction, even the smallest one. Expect hurtful accusations, and when they come, just count them.
You can, in extreme need, provoke Mallory to criminal physical violence against your person. You can trigger his fury easily, until he realizes what you are doing. Your goal here is simple. You need him to hurt you and leave traces. Then you get a medical certificate of bruises or wounds. And then you make a formal complaint to the police. This should lead to Mallory’s arrest and prosecution.
Do learn the law, and understand what counts as assault. I can’t recommend this except as a last resort. The risks are high. You can be badly hurt, and it is hard to restrain yourself from fighting back. Yet "convicted of domestic violence" is difficult to shake off. Ask Chris Brown.
Build Alliances
Alone, you’re vulnerable against a professional manipulator. When you have the support of a group, confronting Mallory is easier. If a group rallies against a bad actor in their midst, the game is over.
Mallory knows this. She sees a united group as a bad thing. She works hard to divide the group and keep individuals fighting each other. If or when she sees you are a risk to her, she will aim to turn the group against you.
You have to expect this, and prepare for it. Your advantage is in moving before Mallory realizes what you are doing. By providing subtitles, you inoculate the group. When she does act, it then plays against her.
Ask yourself what is the worst possible thing she could say (true, or false) about you to others. Assume her goal is to have you discredited, ejected, arrested, or hurt. Mallory may often be shy of using physical violence herself. Assume she is not shy of using others.
She prefers to talk in secret, so she can weave her spells of promises and lies. It is harder for her to control a room of people not already charmed or intimidated.
These are the opportunities you have:
❂ Mallory prefers to works on one person at a time. She switches between people so fast it looks like she is covering them all at once. Yet whenever she’s busy with one individual, she ignores all the others. You can work on groups: you don’t need one-on-one diplomacy. If you have solid evidence of a crime or lie, you can spread that to many people at little cost.
❂ Most people, in most cases, will be receptive to such a message. We usually have a skeptical voice in our heads warning us that the situation is not "right." It is a matter of finding and talking to this voice.
❂ Anyone affected by the psychopath is already searching for a way out. It is often subconscious and unexpressed. You must try to understand their stresses and questions. Then, show them the right answers. They will usually accept what you are saying.
This takes time, and solid evidence, immune to forgery. There are risks. Mallory will try exactly the same strategy, painting you as the common enemy. You must be beyond reproach. You must be transparent with the people you need to work with.
The other danger is that a psychopath may not always be a lone hunter. There are psychopaths who work together, to control large groups. You are unlikely to confront such organized criminality in your personal life. If you do find yourself facing it, avoid direct confrontation.
Invest in Self