Do you have tips for collecting evidence?
Emails are good evidence in most courts, which not everyone realizes. So are photos and videos. Audio recordings can be helpful in some cases. Impartial eye-witness statements are good. You have to be careful in a he-said-she-said situation. A psychopath will have the more dramatic accusations, and be ludicrously convincing. I’ve seen cops spin on their heels and start threatening the victims of violence, based on thirty seconds talking to the perpetrator.
You can get cheap audio recorders that look like USB sticks. Video recorders hidden in watches, pens, and pendants. Or, keep your smartphone handy, and use its audio or video recorder. If you ever get into a physical confrontation, then recording a psychopath can have a dramatic effect, as they may react violently and without warning to what they see as a threat.
Sometimes that’s what you want. Provoking a psychopath to anger (real or acted) can be a good way to get them to reveal themselves. They will make threats and accusations. The threats are often extraordinary, and meaningless, until you realize they tend to make threats they see as real to themselves. And the accusations can be laughable, until you realize they have accidentally said something they are trying to keep secret.
What else are psychopaths afraid of?
Like any predator, they fear injury, exposure, starvation, and a bigger predator. That’s the list, I think.
Can you teach me how to act like a "bigger psychopath"?
You’re not the first person to think of this. Many people do this instinctively when we’re in unfamiliar situations. We become more dominant, charming, focused on others. We dress up when we go out. We laugh more. This is partly about seduction, yet it seems more about feeling safe. Often these talents are suppressed until we have a drink or two. You can learn to do this consciously. It is easier for some of us than others.
Can you be more specific?
Dress slightly too well, interrupt people gently yet forcefully. Touch people on the arms and shoulders, a lot. Smile a little too much, and hold eye contact. Ignore people as they talk to you. Then, if you think you’re talking to a predator, speak of money and future possibilities. Shine that laser pointer and they will dance like an entranced cat. Only use this for self-defense, please.
Are there any other tools I can use against psychopaths?
Psychopaths tend to be paranoid. It’s normal when 96% of your fellow species hate you ex animo, from the heart. This makes psychopaths vulnerable to certain kinds of suggestion, such as they’re being spied on, followed, or framed by unspecified people.
Are you saying, it’s OK to deceive and manipulate psychopaths?
If someone tries to sink their soul-draining fangs into you or yours, I think you’re justified in using whatever force you need to make them stop and/or go away. This includes lying, threats and false promises, indeed the whole psychopath play-book up to violence of different forms. As necessary. Don’t break the law. If you must, make sure you can show self-defense. Also, insert my standard disclaimer here. My advice is an opinion based on experience. You have the right to use it or ignore it.
So you mean, we should all become secondary psychopaths…
Please no! Psychopaths are horrid to be around. They hurt everyone they touch. What I’m saying is, if a predator comes into your life and attacks you or your friends or family, strike back with force and drive it away. That’s different from becoming a predator yourself. I’ve made this quite clear in The Dance of Emotions, we have a set of emotions for attack, and a set for defense.
How does one lie to a psychopath?
Psychopaths are hard to lie to. They seem to read minds, and they know every possible lie like a musician knows chords. Lying to a psychopath is a bit like passing a lie-detector test. Start by assuming that every conversation is an interrogation. You’re not a psychopath, so you will sweat and tremble and stutter. You can’t avoid that.
Rule number one is control the conversation. Try to start conversations instead of waiting. Drag it out as long as you want it to last. Fill the conversation with tedious, boring detail. Mallory does not care about your life. If she’s talking, she has a plan in her mind, an agenda. Every time you hijack the thread, you’re making it harder for her. End the conversation when you’re ready, and then go "no contact" until you decide you want to talk again.
Rule number two, truths are lies that are accidentally true. Every sentence you say is a potential time bomb, so telling the truth should scare you far more than making up lies. It doesn’t matter how minor. What you ate for breakfast, the city where you were born… such details are bullets in the hands of someone determined to hurt you. So as a matter of habit, learn to give nothing of value in conversations. Do not discuss your real friends, money, or significant events. Tremble and sweat all the time, lie more than half the time, about grand and yet irrelevant topics, and you’ll overload your psychopath’s senses.
Don’t do this in writing, or in front of neutral witnesses. If you’re accused of lying, deny it, shrug and change the subject. Smile and hold eye contact. After many months, you will find yourself less stressed. Eventually you may learn to lie without showing any detectable signs.
This all seems like a lot of work, even dangerous… is it worth it?
It can be hard work, yes. I believe it’s worse to let psychopaths roam free in our professional and social lives. That creates a lot more pain, even if it’s often hidden. It’s the child-in-the-cellar syndrome. Many of us are locked in cellars, so to speak. We don’t want to open that door for fear of what we might see or have to do. And the world doesn’t see us, and our pain remains private.
What I’ve learned is that climbing those stairs, pushing at that door, and confronting the brutes on the other side is the right thing to do. And "confronting" means fighting, even hurting and damaging them. It is hard work, and it can be dangerous, yet the alternative is worse. There is no peace with a tyrant. To live or work with a psychopath is to live in occupied lands. It is dismal, gray, with the constant threat of violence, and the total loss of freedom.
I’ve found, over the last years as I wrote this book and internalized its lessons, that confronting bad actors also made me generally happier in life. I’m pretty sure that psychopathy is an all-or-nothing strategy. We are all bad actors at times in our lives. Yet most of us work hard to self-correct. We’re obsessive about it. It’s enough to tell most people: "not cool!," show them an alternative, and they will stop. Psychopaths don’t self-correct. Instead they get better at not getting caught.
So understanding these two paths of human nature, one can speak to people according to what path they are on. To the good actors, one gives order and structure, power, freedom, and protection from the bad actors. To bad actors, one gives the stick.
You’re not a psychologist. How do you know this is safe?
I don’t. I’ve tried it, with abusive psychopaths, and it works. That’s my best data. I’ve discussed this approach with many people including psychologists who specialize in abuse victims. The main risk is that Mallory tends to get violent when challenged. How serious is this risk, and is it worth taking? How much violence can you absorb, and how successfully can you turn Mallory’s violence against him? For instance, are there higher authorities who will act on the documented evidence of violence you have collected? These are questions you can answer and then act on.