"There is nothing to forgive," she said. He knew otherwise. She would have to forgive him a lot, if only she knew his thoughts.
Rik came to the conclusion that he did not have much of a choice in this matter. If he was going to return home to his flesh, he knew he was going to have to brave the dangerous path. He was going to have to forge a link with the source of power they had found here. He said so.
Very well, extend your hand into the vortex.
He reached out to touch the swirling cyclone of magical energy. He did not know what to expect. Fire and pain perhaps but what he got was like nothing he had prepared himself for. There was pain and there were other things, a welling joy so intense it made him want to weep, a sense of well-being, of peace and calm that he never wanted to let go. He sensed his consciousness expanding outwards and away, like ripples where a stone has broken the surface of a lake. It was like touching the mind of God.
The pain and the power bubbled into him, cleansing him, showing him the things that lurked in the shadows of his own mind. Somehow they did not seem so frightening now that he had looked upon them; in fact they seemed small and petty, just like himself. He felt the urge to open his mind, to let the knowledge and the wonder flow through him, to become one with the cosmic all, to let his spirit disintegrate into a million fragments and be absorbed by the universe. Perhaps this was what death was like, he thought, and if that was so, it was not such a bad thing.
He could let go of himself, of his petty fears and ambitions. Who was he anyway, and what did he matter in the great scheme of things. His own egotism was what crippled him. All he had to do was let go of it and fade. It would bring him peace and an end to all struggles and all pain. The power mounted in him, and he began to hear singing, like that of a choir of angels. He knew that if only he let go of himself, let the beauty of those ethereal voices sweep over him and cleanse him, he could become like them, he could join them in bliss forever.
Somewhere in the depths of his mind a small nagging voice countered the singing. He told himself that what he was hearing was false, the lure of demons and of death. In his soul, he did not really believe that but the resistance was important. Part of him did not want to surrender, part of him wanted to live, to complete his business among the living.
He tried to block out the singing, to resist its lure, to pull his hand from the spell vortex. He found that he could not. He was locked in place by that siren song and the source of it. Fear tickled the edges of his mind. A note of discord entered the triumphant harmony. The music did not seem quite so overpoweringly spiritual.
He let the fear speak to him. He tried to draw strength from it, and from the anger that followed inevitably in its wake. Fear and anger, the two emotions that dominated his thinking, and that had defined him for as long as he had lived. He tapped into the memories they brought back, of the beatings in the orphanage, and the constant fight for survival in the streets of Sorrow. He remembered his anger at Sabina who had betrayed him, and his terror of Antonio, the fat gang-lord who was her lover and whom they had both betrayed. He remembered the battles he had fought with the Foragers, and his rage and terror when Sardec had ordered him flogged. Slowly a bit at a time, he rebuilt himself, first as an engine of anger and fear, and then he filled in the gaps, remembering his small joys and pleasures, and the hoarded scraps of good experiences that had come to him.
He remembered the good times with Sabina, and with Rena. He recalled his friendships with Leon and the Foragers, and even in a strange way with Asea. Slowly he came closer to being himself, and further away from those seductive voices. Inch by inch he pulled his hand from the vortex, and he noticed that it was limned with fire, and traceries of light connected him to the thing.
I thought you were lost.
I think I was, he replied, but I have found myself now. He was not sure what he had become, but he was sure that he had changed.
It is time to return.
Chapter Ten
Rik looked up and saw a white sun overhead. Slowly, it came to him that it was carved from plaster and set in the ceiling of his room in the Palace. He felt tired and weak and his hand hurt. He recalled what had happened in the spirit realm, as he would have recalled a dream or a nightmare. He tried to sit up but the strength drained out of him. As he slumped back onto the thick goose-feather filled pillows he saw that Asea sat on the far side of the chamber, in a claw footed ornamental chair. She put the book she was reading down, and said; "The first time is always the most difficult. Some never recover from it."
"I will," said Rik. "At least I think I am starting to."
She smiled. "That is good."
"What really happened? Was it a dream? Did I really visit the Spirit Realm and touch the Great Deep?"
"Perhaps. Nobody really understands, and every school of magic has different theories. Some think the rite is merely a shared hallucination that helps awaken a mage’s powers."
"What do you think, Milady?"
"It is as I told you when we were in the other place. I think it is both a dream and a reality, where mind touches the Deep."
He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He did feel different now. For all his weakness, he felt as if he could access a secret source of strength and draw power from it. He said so.
"You can, Rik. You forged a direct connection between the Deep and your spirit. You are bound to it now. You can draw magical energy through it once you know the correct techniques."
"Techniques?"
"Techniques, spells, whatever you want to call them. Incantations and rituals are merely ways of preparing the mind and the soul, of focusing attention and will."
"You will teach me these?"
"I have already started to. Many of the basic exercises we practised will enable you to draw on the power now. Those spells you thought would never work. But there are dangers. Before you do such things you should cleanse your mind by meditating upon the Elder Signs. That is the most basic and essential tool of all."
"I will remember that."
"See that you do so. I have never lost an apprentice and I do not intend that you should be the first."
"There have been others?"
"Many. Over the years. Mostly on Al'Terra before the coming of the Princes of Shadow." He sensed that this was not a subject she wanted to talk about.
"What are the dangers?"
"I have told you before. When you draw energy, you puncture a small hole in the fabric of reality. Shadow stuff leaks through this. You must be careful not to be contaminated by it. And you must be careful when you draw on the power. There are creatures in the Deep that can enter you through it."
"Creatures?"
"Demons. Beings of power and malice."
"They can find the link you had me create?"
"When you draw on the power, yes. When you do not, it is so tenuous as to be invisible. When you use magic it glows in the Deep. The chances of something coming across it by accident are small but they do exist. The more powerful the magic you attempt, the greater the chance of attracting such a demon."
"When will I be able to work magic?"
"Ah! The eternal question of the keen apprentice." There was a hint of mockery in her voice. "You can do so now. Run through the Elder Signs I taught you and then attempt the visualization of the light."
He closed his eyes and conjured up the image of the protective signs. They blazed bright in his mind's eye. Then he imagined a sphere of light appearing over the bed. As he did so he spoke the words he had been taught, and something within him answered the rhythm of the spell as it had never done before. A faint glowing ball appeared over the bed, so tenuous at first that he was not even sure it was there. As he continued the chant, it grew brighter. Triumph filled him. He had achieved his first small piece of magic. He had never known anything quite like it, not even when he had listened to the angel voices of the Deep. He was a mage now, even if only in the smallest of ways. He looked over at Asea. "Thank you," he said.