Oh yes, I was fond of Louis, but he was failing me.
There is really no excuse for the manner in which I behaved during the next phase of my life. I am sure it caused great consternation to my mother, who was watching so anxiously from afar. I can only plead the excuse of youth, my aroused senses which were never satisfied, the unhealthy atmosphere in which I lived.
I needed children. No woman was meant to be a mother more than I.
Every time I rode through the country and saw the little ones playing I would envy those humble cottage women with little ones clinging to their skirts. My entire being yearned for children. If any of my women had children I would ask that they be brought to me. I would romp with them and my dogs in a manner which Mercy felt was most unbecoming.
In the circumstances, what had I but the pursuit of perpetual amusement? I did not want time on my hands to meditate on my unsatisfactory life, I began to suffer from violent headaches and became feverish and giddy. Mercy called them ‘nervous affectation. ” He did not believe that I could be ill. In fact I looked extremely healthy; I had great vitality; I danced half the night. But I would sometimes find myself crying for little reason. It was most disturbing.
I longed for affection—demonstrative affection—which I could not get from Louis, and I was beginning to realise the danger of my mood. I was surrounded by handsome virile young men, who delighted to pay me compliments and who showed me in a hundred ways that they desired me.
Their courteous manners, their lingering glances excited me, and all the time I was aware of a warning voice—that sounded like my mother’s—continually ringing in my ears. This is danger. The children you bear will be Les Enfants de France. It would be criminal if they should have any father but the King.
I could not resist a little light flirtation. Perhaps Madame de Marsan was right and I was a coquette by nature; but I never allowed myself to be alone with any young man. I knew I was watched; that I was surrounded by people who hoped to see me rush to disaster; I knew that shocking things were written of me and that there were many people who believed perhaps that I did lead a scandalous life.
Mercy reproached me for my restlessness. I was never in bed before the dawn; I seemed to have an endless craving for excitement. I surrounded myself with the young and giddy members of the Court and had no time for those who could help and advise me.
I tried to explain to him. I felt I could be frank with Mercy. He at least would not supply the chanson news with material for their libels.
“I am perplexed by my strange position,” I cried in desperation.
“You have seen the way in which the King leaves me alone. I am afraid of being bored. I am afraid of myself. To prevent myself brooding I must have continual action. I must have novelty.”
He looked at me severely, and of course went straight to his apartment and reported to my mother what I had said.
I had to have someone on whom to lavish my affections. I laved little Elisabeth and kept her with me whenever possible. Clothilde had now married and left us. My dearest friend was Marie Therese Louise, the Princesse de Lamballe. I found her enchanting, for she was so gentle, and sweet, although many thought her stupid. She had a habit of swooning which Vermond said was affectation; she would swoon with pleasure at a gift of flowers or with horror at the sight of shellfish. She confided in me that she had suffered so much through her marriage that it had made her afraid of her own shadow. Poor dearest Lamballe I During those days of uncertainty she was my closest companion. She was so devoted to me; she said she would be happy to be one of my dogs so that she could sit at my feet every day. We used to walk through the gardens arm in arm like two schoolgirls, which naturally shocked everyone who saw us for it was no way for a Queen to be seen in public. But the more frustrated I became, the more determined I was to show contempt for their etiquette. And then I met the Comtesse Jules. She was the loveliest j creature I had ever seen. She had large soulful blue eye and thick brown curling hair which she wore hanging about her shoulders. She wore no jewels; I discovered that she had none; but on the first day I saw her there was a red rose in her corsage. Her sister-in-law was the Comtesse Diane de Polignac, lady-in-waiting to the Comtesse d’Artois, and it was Diane i who had brought her to Court. As soon as I saw her I wanted to know who she was, and commanded that she be presented to me. She was twenty six at our first meeting but she looked as young as I. Her name was Gabrielle Yolande de Polastron, and at seventeen she had been married to the Comte Jules de Polignac.
I asked why I had not seen her at Court before, for I was certain that had she been there I should have noticed her. She answered frankly that she was too poor to live at Court; nor did she seem to care about this. My dearest Gabrielle (she was always known to others as the Comtesse Jules) was completely without ambition. Was that why I was so taken with her? She did not care for jewels; she did not care for honours; and she was a little lazy, I was to discover, and I found all this enchanting. As she talked to me she made me feel that I was not a Queen but a person, and that she was drawn to me as I was to her.
She was leaving Court shortly, she told me, but I said she must not do so. I would arrange that she stayed in Court. I felt we were going to be friends.
She did not express surprise; in fact it was not easy to persuade her to accept. She did not really believe that she would care for Court life.
But I was determined, and as the Polignacs were perhaps the most ambitious family at Court, they soon prevailed on Gabrielle to accept the honour which I was thrusting upon her.
This was a most important encounter, for it set up a change in my affairs.
I was no longer bored. I wanted Gabrielle to be with me constantly.
She enchanted me; she had a lover, the Comte de Vaudreuil; she told me about him, explaining that all ladies had lovers and their husbands had mistresses. It was the accepted state of affairs.
For ladies of the Court perhaps, but not for the Queen.
Vaudreuil I found to be a rather terrifying character. He was a Creole and, Gabrielle told me, entirely fascinating, although she was afraid of him. I would see how charming were his manners; but his jealous rages were violent. I was to discover that he was extremely ambitious, too.
The Princesse de Lamballe was naturally jealous of my new favourite, and was constantly criticising her, which I fear made me lose patience with her. But I was still fond of her and kept her about me, although I was completely fascinated by my adorable Gabrielle.
The Polignacs had formed themselves into a coterie, and their object was of course to make a nucleus about me; they would use me doubtless for their own ends, but I was too foolish to see this.
Everything I was doing was unwise, of course. My friend ships for women were noticed and commented on. I guessed that reports of these would be carried to my mother, and I was anxious to mention this to her before she did to me.
“Here we have a spate of lampoons,” I told her.
“No one at Court is spared, including myself. They have been generous in my case. They give me many illicit lovers, both male and female.”
My shrewd mother must have been wondering how she could bring pressure on my husband to end this trying situation.
By bestowing the post of equerry on the Comte Jules de Polignac I ensured that Gabrielle could be at Court and near me. I was now caught up in the gaiety of life. There was no more boredom. The Polignac set saw to that. I was mixing with gay young people and I was the gayest of them all. Gabrielle’s apartment was at the head of the marble staircase next to my own and I could see her without ceremony