Those words struck Tarrin, and they were right. At first, he found it hard to kill. Now it was as easy as deciding between having pork or beef. But there was little remorse, little regret mixed up in it. It was more of a declaration of what he was rather than a condemnation of what he had become. He had to admit to himself that he was hard, that he was feral. But the moral consequences slid off of him like water. There was no impact there.
"I can see that I'm right. I can also see that you don't care," he noted. "That's more or less what I expected. You don't see anything wrong with what you've done because it makes perfect sense to you. That's a function of the instincts inside you, instincts that have convinced your human mind that its way of doing things are best. You have to do something about that.
"Part of being able to function in a human society is being able to make hard choices," Haley said, staring into Tarrin's eyes. "We all have instincts, and they're very strong. You have to learn when to tell them no. You've lost that ability. If you hope to be accepted by Fae-da'Nar, you'd better learn how to do that again."
"I don't want acceptance," Tarrin told him flatly. He understood what was waiting for him if he became soft. Enslavement, imprisonment, to be used by people he would trust for their own ends. Deception, abuse, and sorrow. He could do without that. "I don't want to change."
"Then you have little hope," Haley sighed. "You seem to have conquered the madness, but if you can't conquer your instincts, they'll kill you."
"Then let them try," Tarrin said, snapping his paw across his chest in a combative display. "They can get in line behind everyone else."
"Tarrin," Dolanna said quickly. "Haley's eyes are on the manacles. Why do you not explain to him how they got there, and what they mean to you."
With no emotion, Tarrin stared right at him and related how Jula had betrayed him, and how he had been taken prisoner. "These remind me of what happens when I trust people," he said heatedly, holding up his arms to let Haley see the heavy steel cuffs. "These warn me of what happens when I let people get close to me, and I wear them so I'll never forget. I'll never be put in a cage again. Never!"
"Tarrin's position is more than what you believe, Haley," Dolanna told him putting a gentle hand on Tarrin's arm. "I cannot deny that he is what you believe him to be. But how he got there is not because of his own choice. To a Were-cat, there is nothing more terrifying than to be stripped of freedom. Would you not expect him to erect a defense against it?"
Haley only gave her a blank look.
"Tarrin is not as controlled by his instincts as you believe. Yes, he killed a man. But it was a man that had attacked a defenseless woman. Tarrin's instincts have merged with his human morality to create within him a very stark view of right and wrong, of proper and improper. Tarrin said it himself when he told you that he gave to the man what he gave to the woman. No more, no less."
"I'm not disputing that, Dolanna," he said. "I said that I probably would have done the same thing. But I wouldn't have killed him in the middle of a common room with some fifty witnesses."
"You are splitting hairs, Haley," Dolanna said with a slight smile. "I know Tarrin. He has triggers, and so long as none of those triggers are touched, he is perfectly fine. To injure a defenseless woman like that is one of his more sensitive triggers. Tarrin is extremely protective, even over those whom he does not trust, if he deems them incapable of defending themselves. Especially children. And the girl he described could not have been much older than a child."
"You're talking to a blind man, Dolanna," Haley said. "I'm not saying I don't agree or disagree. Personally, I like the boy. But speaking from the standpoint of Fae-da'Nar, his behavior is totally unacceptable."
"Then why get me riled up?" Tarrin demanded.
"Because you have to understand things," he replied calmly. "If we were in the forest, I'd have no problem with what you do. But this is human society, so there has to be constraint. Gutting someone in a common room with people watching isn't much of an exercise in self control." He pointed at Tarrin. "The only place for you is the forest, boy. You've proved that you can't function in human lands."
"We have little choice, Haley. I told you what we are doing."
"I know, but you may want to think about leaving him here, then picking him up when you come back from Yar Arak. Someone like him in Arak? He'll depopulate half the country."
"Maybe they are due for it," Dolanna said.
Haley laughed. "Probably. I've never met an Arakite that wasn't a sadistic, arrogant brute. But if the fact that he's a Were-cat were to be common knowledge, it would permanently damage our standing in human society."
"So, you're saying that you don't disagree with what I do, only that I shouldn't do it in public? Isn't that a bit hipocritical?" Tarrin asked him.
"I never said that the rules had to make sense," he said with a rueful chuckle. "There have been a few times I've felt the impulse to change form and take out someone's throat. I just know better. That's something you need to learn too." He sat down in a chair. "You're not the only one like you. There's another. Her name is Mist. She's a Were-cat, and she's almost exactly like you. The others don't let her come into human lands any more than absolutely necessary. She has this bad tendancy to leave a trail of bodies wherever she goes, like another nameless Were-cat I'm not going to mention. She never kills someone without a good reason, but the human law doesn't see it that way. Fae-da'Nar tolerates her because she minimizes the damage by only coming out of the forest very seldomly. So long as she stays outside of human eyes, the Forest Folk don't object to her. It's when her activities start getting noticed by humans that they do something about it. That's how it works, boy. In the forest, we do as we please, but we act our environment. When we go into human territory, we try to act human. They have enough reason to fear us as it is. We don't need to aggravate things."
"So, I am to assume that you are finished admonishing him?" Dolanna asked.
"It's not quite that bad, Dolanna," he replied with a grin. "He just needs to learn the distinctions between proper and improper behavior. I hope our little discussion helps you see that line." He got up again. "Now that that little bit of unpleasant business is behind us, why don't we go downstairs and get something to eat? But you, boy, will either have to take human form or stay up here. With what you did, it's best for you to keep that appearance hidden."
"Come down, Tarrin. It is a good chance to practice holding the human form."
"Is he any good at it?" Haley asked.
"He can hold it for a few hours, but there is always discomfort," she told him.
"That's normal for Were-cats. I've never quite understood why they're like that."
"Jesmind told me that the Were-cats can't hold the human form long because it's not their natural form anymore," Tarrin told him, closing his eyes and bringing his human appearance to mind. Then he willed the change. There was an immediate odd sensation from where his tail and ears were supposed to be, there was a dimming of his vision and smell, sounds weren't as sharp or lucid, and he felt curiously diminished, and that constant nagging pain started taking its place in his body. Allia's exercises and meditative training had helped with some of it, but he couldn't completely put it out of his mind. "You said that all Were-cats are half feral. That may be a reason why."
"Or a symptom of what makes you different," Haley agreed. "You look odd like that."