Loi looked expectantly at Jessie, who ducked her head, frowned uncomfortably, then looked up into Christopher’s eyes. “We were talking about what rights I have here.”
Surprise registered on Christopher’s face. “The same as any of us.”
“I mean, how far does it go?”
Oh, God, she’s talking about the baby. “How far do you want it to go? It isn’t just rights for any of us. It’s rights and responsibilities.”
“Don’t lecture, Christopher,” Loi said quietly. “Listen.”
I’m waiting for her to say what she means,” Christopher said edgily.
“I have the privacy you promised, and the freedom,” Jessie said. “I like making a home for you two. You’ve been more than generous with my family share—I feel guilty sometimes because I don’t think I give enough back to deserve it.”
“You do,” Christopher said.
“But you’re both so busy. I’m here alone more than not.” She smiled shyly. “Last night was wonderful. But it made me sad, too, because it made me realize what I was missing.”
Christopher silently waited for her to continue. He could not make himself ask the polite question.
“I just feel like I need somebody for me,” she said.
“Don’t you feel like Christopher is yours?” asked Loi.
“Oh, I don’t mean you don’t share him, like last night. But when you’re here, he belongs to you. He only ever wants me when you’re away.”
“That’s not true,” Christopher said reflexively.
“Look at the way you got jealous about Loi and me making love,” Jessie answered. “You got angry at her for being with me. You didn’t get angry at me for being with her.”
“That’s not what that was about.”
“It’s okay,” Jessie said. “I understand. You two have the most history together. It’s natural. And I’m not saying I don’t think you both love me. But I need more if I’m going to be happy. I need someone who belongs to me the way you two belong to each other.”
“I spend a lot of time with you,” he protested. “This last month I know I’ve seen you more than I’ve seen Loi. I even think we’ve made love more often than Loi and I have.”
“When it suits you,” Jessie said with a sudden chill. “When it suits you, you’re more than ready.”
“Be fair, Jessie—”
“There’s a perspective problem,” Loi was saying. “Christopher, you have a full-time job and a time-consuming hobby. You spend a lot of what’s left over with Jessie. But that’s a much smaller part of her life than it is of yours.”
“Am I supposed to not work?” he asked indignantly. “Are you saying you feel neglected, too?”
“Jessie and I have different needs,” Loi said. “You know that I’ve never expected you to fill all of mine. I don’t feel neglected. You’ve always been just what I wanted you to be. But I’m not the one who’s unhappy.”
Christopher could not keep his expression from souring as he looked to Jessie. “I think this is really low, for you to lobby Loi behind my back. We talked about this once already.”
“No, we didn’t.”
He snapped, “We did, too, when Loi was in Geneva. Did she tell you about that?” The last was aimed at Loi.
“This is a different subject,” Jessie said.
“What?”
She looked down. “You were right about the baby. I wasn’t being fair to you that night.”
“Well—” Christopher was nonplussed. “Then what are we talking about?”
“I want to know if I can propose a new addition to the family.”
Christopher felt a sudden wave of panic, which he made a noble effort to suppress. “I don’t understand something. Is this a theoretical discussion? Or are we talking about someone specific?”
“Don’t be dense, Christopher,” said Loi. “Jessie would like to ask John Fields over Saturday for dinner and a discussion.”
“The cyclist? From the club?”
“Yes. He was here once—you met him.”
“Are you fucking him?” he asked, incredulous.
“Not yet. He wants all of us to talk before we get involved. He’s very principled.”
The door to Christopher’s sympathies, which had been weakly propped open, suddenly slammed shut. “No,” he said harshly, jumping to his feet.
“Chris—” Loi began warningly.
“No dinner, no discussion, no John Fields. We’re just learning how to be three. We’re not bringing someone else in.”
“Chris, if Jessie is unhappy, we may lose her,” Loi said. “Is that what you want?”
“What does she have to be unhappy about? She’s had everything handed to her. She said it herself—she’s got freedom, privacy, a comfortable home, money—our money. She’s got time enough to go cycling every day, to watch every damn crier made in the last century, to go looking for sparking buddies in every neighborhood inside the loop—”
“Christopher,” Loi said sharply.
“I thought you liked John,” Jessie said meekly.
“I like John all right for somebody I spent ten minutes talking to once,” Christopher said. “But that’s a long way from saying, ‘Sure, come on, move in, by the way, Jessie likes it hard.’ ”
“I didn’t ask—”
“You’d better figure out what’s wrong with you. You’re grabbing for people like zoners grab for pills. First Loi, then a baby, now John—people aren’t teddy bears, goddammit, you can’t start a fucking collection. Does John know what you’re going to want from him? Does he know that six months from now you’re going to whisper, ‘Guess what, I’m fertile,’ just as he’s about to come?”
Christopher was shouting at the end, but barely aware of it. The room was suddenly chaos—Jessie crying, cringing, Loi shouting and trying to drag him away from her. He shook off her grip and turned on her, his angry words a snarl. Loi grabbed at his wrist again, and only then did he realize that he had been shaking a clenched fist at her, at Jessie, that his body was coiled and charged to strike at them, to smash them down.
In horror and shock, he backed away, dropping awkwardly into the chair where he’d been sitting. Jessie took that moment to escape, running up the stairway and disappearing into her room.
“Jesus,” Christopher whispered, covering his mouth with his hands and staring at the carpet.
“Where did that come from?” Loi asked, her voice hard and unsympathetic.
“I don’t know,” Christopher said. “You know I’ve never done that before—”
“Once is enough.” She frowned unhappily. “I never thought I’d see you come on like lord and master of a feudal castle. What in the world is going on with you?”
“I—I just got a little too wound up. The way Jessie’s been—”
“You can’t blame this on her.”
“Everything I said is true,” he insisted. “I just—didn’t say it very well.”
Loi shook her head dismissively. “I don’t think you said one word about what you really feel.”
“We’ve got what we need right here,” he said, looking up at her with a plaintive expression. “If we have to make some adjustments, all right, we’ll make them. But bringing someone else in is crazy. That’s going to change everything.”
“Don’t you realize that you just changed everything? You lost control at just the idea of talking about expanding the family. You went so blood-crazy that you were ready to hurt us to have your way. That isn’t healthy, and you know it.”
“I don’t have to do this and I’m not going to,” he said stubbornly. “You can’t guilt me into saying yes.”
She shook her head. “I’ll tell what you have to do,” she said softly but firmly. “If you want to stay part of this family, you’re going to have to go to an R.T. and start working on this.”