Malatesta walked past the maitre-d’s desk and into the bar area. There was a long leaded mirror behind the bar. The bartender was reading Time and absently eating olives from an old-fashioned glass. The bartender seemed to have a system: when he finished reading a page of the magazine, he ate an olive. When he finished chewing the olive, he sipped from a glass of Coca-Cola. Then he turned the page. He read whatever was on that, including automobile advertisements. He ate an olive and drank Coke. On Tuesday nights the bartender read Time. On Wednesday nights he read Newsweek. On Thursdays he read Sports Illustrated. Malatesta did not know what he read on Mondays and Fridays, or whether the weekend bartender read anything at all.
Malatesta went up to the service counter and took an olive. “Evenin’, Larry,” he said. The bartender did not look up from Time. He said, “Billy. She’s in the toilet. Got here about half an hour ago. Think she’s pissed at you.”
“She drinking?” Malatesta said.
“Nothin’ heavy,” the bartender said. “Tequila Sunrise. It’s down there. About half gone. She’s all right.”
“I’m really sorry about last Thursday, Larry,” Malatesta said.
The bartender finished a page and took an olive. He held it in his right hand and said, “Ahh, think nothin’ of it. Those things’ll happen. Nobody was pissed off.”
“She was overtired when she got here,” Malatesta said.
“That’ll do it,” the bartender said. “I wasn’t with her, night before.”
“Didn’t mean anything either,” the bartender said. “Applies to everybody. Hard day at the job, no lunch maybe, get so fuckin’ pissed off you don’t even want any dinner, only thing on your mind’s a good couple of belts, huh? Happens to everybody. Dennis comes in here some nights, supposedly he’s checking on me and am I taking all his money out of the register when he’s not looking, finds out I’m not, decides hell maybe have himself a double Wild Turkey, and that’s when I know he’s had a piss-ass day and I’m gonna end up driving him home again. Doesn’t happen very often-guy runs four bars, he’s got some idea what happens to people when they do that, and even he still does it. Now and then. She wasn’t bad. I’ve seen a lot worse.” He ate an olive.
“See,” Malatesta said, eating an olive, “Jesus, I should stop doing this. Every time I come in here like this and start talking to you, I start doing the same thing you do and eat the olives.”
“Don’t agree with you?” the bartender said.
“They do going down,” Malatesta said, “but they sure don’t about three hours later, when they start coming up.”
“Never affected me that way,” the bartender said. “I was doing time, I got this terrible craving for olives. And what was that, about six years ago, I got out? Been eatin’ them ever since. Tell you, Billy, there’re times when I think I’d rather eat an olive’n a broad.” He ate an olive.
“Rather have the broad,” Malatesta said.
“Every man’s got his own twitch,” the bartender said.
“You got any pistachio nuts?” Malatesta said.
“Billy,” the bartender said, “I told you and told you: this is a class-act saloon, right? Private club. No guys in tee-shirts sittin’ around, throwing pistachio shells on the rug. Class joint. Give you some smoked almonds, you want. Those’re good. Like them almost as much’s I like olives.”
“Yeah,” Malatesta said, “but you can cream the olives off the bar here. Don’t have to account for them. Gotta pay for the almonds.”
“True,” the bartender said. “That’s another thing I kind of had the time to think about when I was in. If there is a choice between something that you like to eat that’s free, and something that you like to eat that costs you money, go with the free stuff. Makes sense. Your case, you got a different problem, because the free stuff don’t agree with you and therefore you have to eat the stuff you got to pay for.” He ate another olive. “Suppose you want a drink with it.”
“Johnny Red and soda,” Malatesta said.
“Uh-huh,” the bartender said. “Dennis was looking at that stuff the other night and how much I was ordering, and he said, ‘Jesus, old Billy’s been a regular lately, hasn’t he?’”
“You can tell old Dennis,” Malatesta said, “that if I wasn’t a regular in here for a lot of years, and got to like the guy against my better judgment, he might’ve had a lot of time to think about what he likes to eat, back when his joint on Route Twenty went up about seven years ago. Might’ve gotten to liking olives.”
“I don’t think I’ll tell him that,” the bartender said. He straightened up. “You want to tell him that, you tell him that. You and him’re in charge of that matter. I’ll just get you your drink and your nuts.”
The bartender returned with Malatesta’s order. He resumed reading. He ate an olive.
“Jesus Christ,” Malatesta said. “What the fuck is she doing in that ladies’ room? She look sick or something when she went in?”
“She did, I didn’t notice it,” the bartender said. “You know something?” He turned the magazine around so that Malatesta could read it. “That Cheryl Tiegs there, she is one fine-lookin’ broad. I had a crack at her, I might forget about the olives.”
“Yeah,” Malatesta said. “How long’s she been in there?”
“Marion?” the bartender said. “Dunno. Haven’t been timing her. Went in just before you came, I guess. Ten, fifteen minutes.”
“She look happy when she was out here?” Malatesta said.
“Happy as she ever does,” the bartender said. He ate an olive and sipped Coca-Cola. “Hell of a lot happier’n she did last Thursday, anyway.”
“She was pissed at me because I stood her up Wednesday,” Malatesta said.
“That’ll do it,” the bartender said. “My second wife was like that. Jesus, what a temper she had when something got fucked up.”
“That’s what happened to me, Wednesday,” Malatesta said. “I got tied up. Told her on Tuesday that I’d see her here on Wednesday, I don’t show up on Wednesday and when I do show up on Thursday she’s like a barrel of tigers.”
“Maybe she was gettin’ her period,” the bartender said. “That always makes them jumpy.”
“Yeah,” Malatesta said.
“You got to be philosophical about it,” the bartender said. “Ten percent of the time, all women’re nuts. You want to know something? I am now separated from my third wife. Threw me out. She wants one of those things that, what do they call them, the things that watch the television for you and then when you get home you can see what was on when you were out. And I say to her, “That’s ridiculous. When’re you out? You’re home every night. Program comes on, watch it. Free.’ See, she went back to work this year, she decided they were probably going to foreclose onna house if she didn’t. Which was true. And it is her house. And she is all over me like a new suit. Shows she wants to watch’re the soap operas, and they’re on while she’s up the K-Mart sellin’ dingbats to dingbats or something. And I say to her, I say, ‘Hey, you want to keep the house, keep the house. It’s your house. Your first husband bought it. My name ain’t on it. I kick in my share. I do the best I can. Forget it. I’ll live inna apartment. You can stay home all day and watch the soaps. I got two other women I’m supportin’ for life. You want to lose the house, lose the house. Get off-a my back.’
“See,” the bartender said, “I’m not as dumb as I look. I get her that thing, she’s going to tape all the soaps and I want to watch a football game on my day off or something, she’ll be watching some soap that was on Friday. It’s her television, so I won’t be able to say anything, and I’m going to end up spending Saturday and Sunday in some other barroom, which does not happen to be my idea of a couple days off a week from working in a barroom. But I am not as smart as I think I am, either, because she tells me she can get one of those TV recorder things with the employee’s discount for about six hundred bucks, and I say, ‘Shit, I can get you one on the street for three hundred, but I won’t do it.’ So she throws me out.”