‘Hirad, stop it,’ said Ilkar.
‘Tried to get a good night’s sleep—’
‘Ah, Hirad, but many of us were with our loved ones last night, weren’t we?’ said Ilkar. ‘For me it was Ren, then there’s Denser and Erienne and I understand The Unknown had contact with Diera through Aeb. And you talked sweet nothings with Sha-Kaan.’
‘Now who’s lucky, eh, Hirad?’ said Denser.
‘Is it my fault if I am called by a higher intellect?’
‘Wouldn’t want to sleep with it though, would you?’ said The Unknown.
‘Too much chafing,’ agreed Ilkar.
The Raven dissolved into laughter, Ilkar bent double over his saddle, Hirad taking both hands off the reins to wipe his eyes.
Fifty yards ahead, Aeb had stopped and turned in his saddle, his blank mask asking the question more eloquently than any words. It served to sober them up a little. The Unknown waved him on.
‘How is Sha-Kaan, anyway?’ he asked.
‘Angry,’ said Hirad. ‘And now alone. We have a lot to hate Xetesk for, don’t we? No offence, Denser.’
‘None taken. I agree with you.’
‘Good,’ said The Unknown. ‘Then let’s keep focussed. We’ve got a job to do. If the TaiGethen can’t get the thumb from the Xeteskians before they reach the city it’ll be down to us to go in and get it for them. Remember who we’re doing this for and remember not to speak loosely around Aeb.’
Hirad leaned over and punched Ilkar lightly on the shoulder. ‘I’ll take it as a personal affront if you die before we succeed in this, all right?’
‘I’ll see what I can do,’ replied the elf.
The Raven upped the pace. Xetesk was at least seven days away.
Selik stood on the ramparts inside the Understone stockade feeling deeply satisfied. Since the massacre of Anders and his pathetic garrison of frightened boys, the twelve surviving Black Wings had been busy making as much of the town as habitable as they could. Water butts were full all down the main street, boards had been removed from buildings and firewood was stacked next to the butts. The bodies of the garrison had been burned long ago and their ash blown away by the wind.
Selik saw this town as the birthplace of his new order, and though it was rotten now it would one day be the centre of his power. The foundations were already there, they just needed renewing. Perhaps it should be renamed. After him would be good, or maybe after his mentor, Travers.
But first they would have to fight, and under cloudy afternoon skies he saw his army begin to assemble. From the east came a line of men from Pontois, some riding, most walking or hitching rides on the dozens of supply wagons rattling along behind them. Later, he knew militia from Orytte, farmers from the devastated lands around Corin and Rache and refugees displaced from Korina and Gyernath would all come. He had no idea how many there would be or what sort of men he could expect, but with every person who walked into Understone he saw his power grow.
He was under no illusions. Though his captains would drill and he would speak, the thousands who marched on Xetesk would be little more than an ordered mob. They would not have the skill of those they faced but if, as he expected, battle had worn down the colleges, his numbers could surprise and overwhelm.
Hundreds upon hundreds would die, but such was the price of freedom and righteousness. Selik nodded to himself and went down to meet his recruits.
Thraun cantered along at the back of The Raven formation, feeling a sense of distress invade him. His recollections of Balaia were occasionally very sharp and the scents all around him fed his lupine side. Along with the thrill of the grass and the trees they passed, the sounds of birds and animals and the fresh smells of spring life, came memories of fire and tortured howls. He saw again the betrayal in the eyes of his pack and their helpless bodies burning under mage fire, cut off from the embrace of the forest.
And in the laughter of The Raven and their close companionship were more images of death and fear. Of his best friend Will lying still beneath the sheets of an infirmary bed in Julatsa. Of his chest falling never to rise again. Blame. He was to blame. And there was nothing he could do to right the wrongs.
He had been in the body of a wolf when Will’s fatal wound had been received and had eventually fled in that body to escape his grief, only to be found wanting again. And so here he was. Back in a man’s body but feeling like an intruder in the world of men yet unable to face the prospect of life as a wolf. Nothing he could do would be right.
‘Thraun, are you all right?’
Thraun looked up. The Unknown Warrior was dropping back to ride beside him. He didn’t answer.
‘You had a bit of a wobble in the saddle just then. I wondered if you were feeling all right?’
Thraun shook his head. ‘No.’
‘Can you tell me what’s wrong?’
He could understand everything they said, everything they asked him, but just couldn’t find the words to explain the hopeless divide within him. The frustration threatened to overwhelm him at times like this and it was made all the more acute because he could remember being able to speak so freely. He had chosen silence until now rather than anger himself by failing to make himself understood.
‘The words won’t . . .’ He waved a hand uselessly. How could it be this way? He could think it all but he just couldn’t say it. Something was missing.
‘Then let us help you,’ said The Unknown. ‘Don’t be silent because there’s a block in that head of yours.’
‘I . . . I can’t.’ He sighed and punched the pommel of his saddle.
‘Take it easy. Why don’t you let me ask the questions? Just say yes, no or whatever you can. Repeat what you hear, if it’ll help.’
Thraun could see the sense but couldn’t tell The Unknown that it made him feel like a child. Worse, an idiot.
‘I’m not trying to patronise you, Thraun. You do understand that, don’t you?’
Perfectly, he thought. But it doesn’t make any difference. So instead he nodded and bit down on his shame.
‘Is there anything we say you don’t understand?’
‘No.’
‘Do you think in the words you want to speak, then?’
‘Yes.’
‘Do you remember all that happened to you?’
Thraun shrugged. ‘Yes?’
‘Or you think so at least. Sorry, stupid question. How can you know what you haven’t remembered?’
Thraun smiled. ‘Yes.’
‘You have memories as man and wolf?’
‘Yes.’
‘Bad?’
‘Bad,’ agreed Thraun. ‘Bad.’
‘You feel guilt?’
‘Guilt.’
‘Responsible?’
‘Yes.’
‘You aren’t to blame, Thraun.’
‘Yes, I am.’
‘And there’s nothing you can do, is there? Nothing to make it better.’
‘No, there isn’t!’ he stormed. ‘They’re all dead because of me and there’s not a fucking thing I can do about it. I ended so many lives because I can’t be man or animal so what do you expect me to say? Sorry? I’m in torment here in my head and no one understands because I don’t have the words.’
He broke off, aware that they were all looking at him. Yet despite his sudden fury, he felt massively relieved. He relaxed his bunched shoulders.
‘Thank you, I think,’ he said.
‘Any time, Thraun. I think you’re trying too hard sometimes. Don’t think. React. Let it happen.’
‘I’ll try,’ said Thraun, but he could feel the veil falling again.
‘And I’ll be there to provoke you, don’t you worry.’
Thraun nodded, unsure whether to laugh or cry.
Chapter 39