Denise almost reached out to touch him, but he seemed lost in the past, his chin resting on his chest.
“I never saw him get angry, I never once heard him raise his voice at anyone. When I’d act up, all he had to do was say, ‘That’s enough now, son.’ And I’d stop because I knew I was disappointing him. I know that probably sounds strange, but I guess I just didn’t want to let him down.”
When he finished, Taylor took a long, slow breath.
“He sounds like a wonderful man,” Denise said, knowing she’d stumbled upon something important about Taylor, but uncertain of its shape and meaning.
“He was.”
The finality of his voice made it clear that the subject was closed to further discussion, although Denise suspected there was far more left to be said. They stood without speaking for a long time, listening to the music of the crickets.
“How old were you when your father died?” he asked finally, breaking the silence.
“Four.”
“Do you remember him like I remember mine?”
“Not really, not the way you do. I just remember images, really-him reading me stories or the feeling of his whiskers when he kissed me good night. I was always happy when he was around. Even now, not a day goes by when I don’t wish I could turn back the clock and change what happened.”
As soon as she said it, Taylor turned to her with a startled expression, knowing she’d hit it right on the head. In just a few words, she’d explained the very thing he’d tried to explain to Valerie and Lori. But even though they’d listened with compassion, they’d never really understood. They couldn’t. Neither of them had ever awakened with the terrible realization that they’d forgotten the sound of their father’s voice. Neither had cherished a single photograph as the only means of remembrance. Neither one of them felt the urge to tend to a small granite stone in the shade of a willow tree.
All he knew was that he’d finally heard someone else echo the things that he had known, and for the second time that evening he reached for her hand.
They held hands in silence, fingers loosely intertwined, each afraid that speaking would break the spell. Lazy clouds, silver in the moon, lay scattered in the sky. Standing close, Denise watched shadows play over his features, feeling slightly unstrung. On his jaw was a small scar she’d never noticed before; there was another just below his ring finger on the hand that was holding hers, a small burn, perhaps, that had healed long ago. If he was aware of her scrutiny, he gave no notice. Instead he simply stared out over the property.
The air had cooled slightly. A sea breeze had blown through earlier, leaving a stillness in its wake. Denise sipped her tea, listening as insects buzzed noisily around the porch light. An owl called from the darkness. Cicadas sang in the trees. The evening was coming to an end, she could feel that. It was almost over.
He finished his glass, the ice cubes clinking, then set it on the railing.
“I should probably go. I have an early day tomorrow.”
“I’m sure,” she said.
But he stood there for another minute without saying anything more. For some reason he kept remembering how she’d looked when she’d poured out her fears about her son: her defiant expression, the intense emotion as the words had flooded out. His mother had worried about him, too, but had it ever approached what Denise went through every day?
He knew it hadn’t been the same.
It moved him to see that her fears had only made her love grow stronger for her son. And to witness such unconditional love, so pure in the face of difficulties-it was natural to find beauty in that. Who wouldn’t? But there was more to it, wasn’t there? Something deeper, a commonality he’d never found in someone else.
Even now, not a day goes by when I don’t wish I could turn back the clock and change what happened.
How had she known?
Her ebony hair, made even darker by the evening, seemed to shroud her in mystery.
Taylor finally pushed back from the railing.
“You’re a good mother, Denise.” He was loath to release her delicate hand. “Even though it’s hard, even though it’s not what you expected, I can’t help but believe that everything happens for a reason. Kyle needed someone like you.”
She nodded.
With great reluctance he turned away from the railing, turned from the pines and oaks, turned from the feelings inside him. The floor of the porch creaked as Taylor moved to the steps, Denise beside him.
She looked up at him.
He almost kissed her then. In the soft yellow light of the porch her eyes seemed to glow with hidden intensity. Even so, he couldn’t tell if she really wanted that from him, and at the last second he held back. The evening had already been more memorable than any evening he’d spent in a long time; he didn’t want to spoil that.
Instead he took a small step backward, as if to give her more space.
“I had a wonderful time tonight,” he said.
“So did I,” she said.
He finally let go of her hand, felt longing as it slipped away from him. He wanted to tell her that she had something inside her, something impossibly rare, something he’d looked for in the past but had never hoped to find. He wanted to say all these things but found that he couldn’t.
He smiled again, faintly, then turned away, making his way down the steps in the slanting moonlight, toward the darkness of his truck.
Standing on the porch, she waved one last time as Taylor headed down the drive, his headlights shining in the distance. She heard him stop at the road and wait as a solitary car approached, then passed. Taylor’s truck turned in the direction of town.
After he left, Denise walked to the bedroom and sat on the bed. On her bedstand was a small reading lamp, a photo of Kyle as a toddler, a half-empty glass of water she’d neglected to bring to the kitchen that morning. Sighing, she opened her drawer. In the past it might have held magazines and books, but now it was empty except for a small bottle of perfume she’d received from her mother a few months before she’d died. A birthday gift, it had come wrapped in gold foil and ribbon. Denise had used half of it in the first few weeks after it had been given to her; since her mother’s death she’d never used it again. She’d kept it as a reminder of her mother, and now it reminded her of how long it had been since she’d worn any perfume at all. Even tonight she’d forgotten to put it on.
She was a mother. Above everything else, that was how she defined herself now. Yet as much as she wanted to deny it, she knew she was also a woman, and after years of keeping it buried, she felt its presence. Sitting in the bedroom, gazing at the perfume, she was overcome with a sense of restlessness. There was something inside her that longed to be desired, to be cared for and protected, to be listened to and accepted without judgment. To be loved.
Her arms crossed, she turned out the light in her bedroom and went across the hall. Kyle was sleeping soundly. In the warmth of his room, he’d pushed his blankets aside and he slept uncovered. On his bureau, music from a plastic, glowing teddy bear continued to play softly through the room, the same melody repeated over and over. It had been his night-light since he was an infant. She turned it off, then went to his bed, working the sheet until it wasn’t tangled with the blankets. Kyle rolled over as she covered him. She kissed him on the cheek, his skin soft and unblemished, and slipped from the room.
The kitchen was quiet. Outside, she could hear the crickets chirping, riding the song of summer. She looked out the window. In the moonlight the trees were glowing silver, the leaves steady and unmoving. The sky was full of stars, stretching to eternity, and she stared at them, smiling, thinking about Taylor McAden.
Chapter 16