on my back, which a biopsy confirmed was a malignant melanoma. Of course that`s why
I canceled the group—had a rough couple of weeks, really rough, letting it sink in.»
Julius`s voice quavered. «As you see, it`s still rough.» He paused, took a deep breath, and
continued. «My doctors can`t predict my future, but what is important here is they feel
strongly that I have at least a year of good health ahead. So this group will be open for
business as usual for the twelve months. No, wait, let me put it this way: health
permitting, I commit myself to meet with you for one more year, at which time the group
will terminate. Sorry to be clumsy about it, but I`ve had no practice at this.»
«Julius, is this seriously life threatening?» asked Bonnie. «Philip`s Internet
information...all these statistics based on stages of the melanoma.»
«Straight question and the straight answer is вЂyes`—definitely life threatening. The
chances are good that this thing will get me in the future. I know that wasn`t an easy
question to ask, but I appreciate your straightforwardness, Bonnie, because I`m like most
people with major illness—I hate everyone to be pussyfooting around. That would just
isolate and frighten me. I`ve got to get used to my new reality. I don`t like it, but life as a
healthy carefree person—well,that life is definitely coming to an end.»
«I`m thinking of what Philip said to Gill last week. I wonder—is there something
of value in there for you, Julius? asked Rebecca. «I`m not sure if it was in the coffee shop
or here in the group—but it had to do with defining yourself or your life by your
attachments. Do I have it right, Philip?»
«When I spoke to Gill last week,” said Philip, speaking in a measured tone and
avoiding eye contact, «I pointed out that the more attachments one has, the more
burdensome life becomes and the more suffering one experiences when one is separated
from these attachments. Schopenhauer and Buddhism both hold that one must release
oneself from attachments and—”
«I don`t think that is helpful to me,” interrupted Julius, «and I`m also not sure if
this is where this meeting should be going.» He noted a quick pregnant glance passing
between Rebecca and Gill but continued, «I come in on that in the opposite way:
attachments, and plenty of them, are the indispensable ingredients of a full life, and to
avoid attachments because of anticipated suffering is a sure recipe for being only partially
alive. I don`t mean to cut you off, Rebecca, but I think it more to the point to go back to
your reactions, everyone`s reactions, to the announcement I`ve made. Obviously, learning
of my cancer has got to stir up strong feelings. I`ve known many of you for a long time.»
Julius stopped talking and looked around at his patients.
Tony, who had been slumped in his chair, stirred himself. «Well, I had a jolt when
you said earlier that what should be important to us was how long you could continue to
lead this group—that comment got under my skin, thick–skinned as I`ve been accused of
being. Now, I don`t deny that crossed my mind, but, Julius, I`m mostly upset at what this
means foryou. ...I mean, let`s face it, you`ve been pretty, I mean...really,important to
me, helped me get over some really bad stuff.... I mean, is there something I, we, can do
for you? This has gotta be terrible for you.»
«Ditto for me,” said Gill, and all the others (save Philip) joined in assent.
«I`m going to respond, Tony, but first say how touched I am and how impossible it
would have been for you, a couple of years ago, to be so direct and to reach out so
generously. But to answer your question, it`s been terrible. My feelings come in waves. I
hit bottom the first couple of weeks when I canceled the group. Did a lot of nonstop
talking to my friends, my whole support network. Right now, at this moment, I`m doing
better. You get used to everything, even mortal illness. Last night the refrain вЂLife is just
one goddamned loss after another` kept passing through my mind.»
Julius stopped. No one spoke. Everyone stared at the floor. Julius added, «I want to
deal with it openly...willing to discuss everything...I won`t shy away from
anything...but unless you ask something specific, I`m talked out now plus I don`t feel I
need the whole meeting to be given to me today. I want to say I have energy to work with
you here in my usual way. In fact it`s important to me that we go on as we always have.»
After a short silence Bonnie said, «I`ll be honest, Julius, there`s something I could
work on, but I don`t know...my problems seem insignificant compared to what you`re
going through.»
Gill looked up and added, «Me, too. My stuff—whether or not I learn to talk to my
wife, stay with her, or leave the sinking ship—all that seems trivial in comparison.»
Philip took that as his cue. «Spinoza was fond of using a Latin phrase,sub specie
aeternitatis, meaning вЂfrom the aspect of eternity.` He suggested that disturbing quotidian
events become less unsettling if they are viewed from the aspect of eternity. I believe that
concept may be an underappreciated tool in psychotherapy. Perhaps,” and here Philip
turned and addressed Julius directly, «it may offer a form of solace to even the kind of
serious assault you`re facing.»
«I can see you`re trying to offer me something, Philip, and I appreciate that. But
right now the idea of taking a cosmic–eye view of life is the wrong flavor of medicine.
Let me tell you why. Last night I didn`t sleep well and got to feeling sad for not having
appreciated what I had at the very moment it was happening. When I was young, I always
regarded the present as a prelude to something better that was going to occur. And then,
the years passed, I suddenly found myself doing the opposite—I was bathing myself in
nostalgia. What I`ve not done enough of is to treasure each moment, and that`s the
problem with your solution of detachment. I think it faces life through the wrong end of
the telescope.»
«I gotta come in here, Julius,” said Gill, «with an observation: I don`t think there`s
much chance you`re going to accept anything that Philip says.»
«An observation I`ll always pay attention to, Gill. But that`s an opinion. Where`s
the observation?»
«Well, the observation is that you`re just not respecting anything he offers.»
«I know what Julius would say about that, Gill,” said Rebecca. «It`s still not an
observation; it`s a guess about his feelings. What I observe»—she turned to Julius—«is
that this is the first time you and Philip have addressed one another even halfway directly
and that you have interrupted Philip a few times today, something I never see you do with
anyone else.»
«TouchГ©, Rebecca,” answered Julius. «Right on—a direct and accurate
observation.»
«Julius,” said Tony, «I`m not getting the picture at all. You and Philip—what`s
going on?—I don`t get it. Is he right when he says you phoned him out of the blue?»
Julius sat with his head bowed for a few minutes and then said, «Yes, I can see
how confusing this must be for all of you. Okay, here it is straight. Or as straight as my
memory permits. After my diagnosis, I fell into real despair. I felt I had gotten a death
sentence, and I was staggered by it. Among other dark thoughts I began to question
whether anything I had done in my life had any enduring meaning whatsoever. I slogged
around in that question for a day or two, and, since my life is so intertwined with my
work, I began thinking of patients I`d seen in the past. Had I really, permanently, affected
anyone`s life? I felt I had no time to waste, and so, on the spot, I decided to contact some