example, the large numbers who are drawn to Buddhist
meditation retreats.»
«That remind me of something I`ve been meaning to
say to you, Philip,” said Bonnie. «I think your view of
Buddhism misses something. I`ve attended Buddhist
retreats where the focus has been directed outwards—on
loving kindness and connectivity—not on solitude. A good
Buddhist can be active, in the world, even politically
active—all in the service of loving others.»
«So it`s becoming clearer,” said Julius, «that your
selectivity error involves human relationships. To give
another example: you`ve cited the views about death or
solitude of several philosophers but never speak of what
these same philosophers—and I`m thinking of the Greek
philosophers—have said about the joys ofphilia, of
friendship. I remember one of my own supervisors quoting
me a passage from Epicurus saying that friendship was the
most important ingredient for a happy life and that eating
without a close friend was living the life of a lion or a wolf.
And Aristotle`s definition of a friend—one who promotes
the better and the sounder in the other—comes close to my
idea of the ideal therapist.»
«Philip,” Julius asked, «how is this all feeling today?
Are we laying too much on you at once?»
«I`m tempted to defend myself by pointing out that
not one of the great philosophers ever married, except
Montaigne, who remained so disinterested in his family
that he was unsure how many children he had. But, with
only one remaining meeting, what`s the point? It`s hard to
listen constructively when my entire course, everything I
plan to do as a counselor, is under attack.»
«Speaking for myself, that`s not true. There`s a great
deal you can contribute, much that youhave contributed to
the members here. Right?» Julius scanned the group.
After lots of strenuous head–nodding affirmation for
Philip, Julius continued: «But, if you`re to be a counselor,
youmust enter the social world. I want to remind you that
many, I would betmost, of those who will consult you in
your practice will need help in their interpersonal
relationships, and if you want to support yourself as a
therapist, youmust become an expert in these matters—
there`s no other way. Just take a look around the group:
everyone here entered because of conflicted relationships.
Pam came in because of problems with the men in her life,
Rebecca because of the way her looks influenced her
relations with others, Tony because of a mutually
destructive relationship with Lizzy and his frequent fights
with other men, and so on for everyone.»
Julius hesitated, then decided to include all the
members. «Gill entered because of marital conflict. Stuart
because his wife was threatening to leave him, Bonnie
because of loneliness and problems with her daughter and
ex–husband. You see what I mean, relationships cannot be
ignored. And, don`t forget, that`s the very reason I insisted
you enter the group before offering you supervision.»
«Perhaps there`s no hope for me. My slate of
relationships, past and present, is blank. Not with family,
not with friends, not with lovers. I treasure my solitude, but
the extent of it would, I think, be shocking to you.»
«A couple times after group,” said Tony, «I`ve asked
if you wanted to have a bite together. You always refused,
and I figured it was because you had other plans.»
«I haven`t had a meal with anyone for twelve years.
Maybe an occasional rushed sandwich lunch, but not a real
meal. You`re right, Julius, I guess Epicurus would say I
live the life of a wolf. A few weeks ago after that meeting
when I got so upset, one of the thoughts that circled in my
mind was that the mansion of thought I had built for my life
was unheated. The group is warm. This room is warm but
my living places are arctic cold. And as for love, it`s
absolutely alien to me.»
«All those women, hundreds of them, you told us,”
said Tony, «there must have been some love going around.
You must have felt it. Some of them must have loved you.»
«That was long ago. If any had love for me, I made
sure to avoid them. And even if they felt love, it was not
love, for me, the real me—it was love for my act, my
technique.»
«What`s the real you?» asked Julius.
Philip`s voice grew deadly serious. «Remember what
I did for a job when we first met? I was an exterminator—a
clever chemist who invented ways to kill insects, or to
render them infertile, by using their own hormones. How`s
that for irony? The killer with the hormone gun.»
«So the real you is?» Julius persisted.
Philip looked directly into Julius`s eyes: «A monster.
A predator. Alone. An insect killer.» His eyes filled with
tears. «Full of blind rage. An untouchable. No one who has
known me has loved me. Ever. No onecould love me.»
Suddenly, Pam rose and walked toward Philip. She
signaled Tony to change seats with her and, sitting down
next to Philip, took his hand in hers, and said in a soft
voice, «Icould have loved you, Philip. You were the most
beautiful, the most magnificent man I had ever seen. I
called and wrote you for weeks after you refused to see me
again. I could have loved you, but you polluted—”
«Shhh.» Julius reached over and touched Pam on the
shoulder to silence her. «No, Pam, don`t go there. Stay with
the first part, say it again.»
«I could have loved you.»
«And you were the...” prompted Julius.
«And you were the most beautiful man I had ever
seen.»
«Again,” whispered Julius.
Still holding Philip`s hand and seeing his tears flow
freely, Pam repeated, «I could have loved you, Philip. You
were the most beautiful man...”
At this Philip, with his hands to his face, rose and
bolted from the room.
Tony immediately headed to the door. «That`s my
cue.»
Julius, grunting as he too rose, stopped Tony. «No,
Tony, this one`s on me.» He strode out and saw Philip at
the end of the hall facing the wall, head resting on his
forearm, sobbing. He put his arm around Philip`s shoulder
and said, «It`s good to let it all out, but we must go back.»
Philip, sobbing more loudly and heaving as he tried
to catch his breath, shook his head vigorously.
«You must go back, my boy. This is what you came
for, this very moment, and you mustn`t squander it. You`ve
worked well today—exactly the way you have to work to
become a therapist. Only a couple of minutes left in the
meeting. Just come back with me and sit in the room with
the others. I`ll watch out for you.»
Philip reached around and briefly, just for a moment,
put his hand atop Julius`s hand, then raised himself erect
and walked alongside Julius back to the group. As Philip
sat down, Pam touched his arm to comfort him, and Gill,
sitting on the other side, clasped his shoulder.
«How areyou doing, Julius?» asked Bonnie. «You
look tired.»
«I`m feeling wonderful in my head, I`m so swept
away, so admiring of the work this group has done—I`m so
glad to have been a part of this. Physically, yes, I have to
admit I am ailing, and weary. But I have more than enough
juice left for our last meeting next week.»
«Julius,” said Bonnie, «okay to bring a ceremonial
cake for our last meeting?»
«Absolutely, bring any kind of carrot cake you
wish.»
But there was to be no formal farewell meeting. The
following day Julius was stricken by searing headaches.
Within a few hours he passed into a coma and died three