was Grendel, the demon, who sought out the wise man.»
«Endless interconnections here,” said Julius. «Pam first introduced me to
that novel when I was seeing her for a few months about the same time. So,
Rebecca, if that comment was helpful, you owe thanks to Pam.»
Rebecca, flashed Pam a big thank–you smile. «You were giving me indirect
therapy. I pasted a note with that phrase on my mirror:Alternatives exclude. It
explained my block in saying yes to Jack even though I believed he was the right
man.» Then, to Julius: «I remember your saying that to grow old gracefully I had
to accept the limiting of possibilities.»
«Long before Gardner,” Philip interjected, «Heidegger,” he turned to Tony,
«an important German philosopher in the first half of last century...”
«An important Nazi, too,” Pam interjected.
Philip ignored Pam`s comment. «Heidegger spoke of confronting the
limiting of possibility. In fact he linked it to the fear of death. Death, he
suggested, was theimpossibility of further possibility. ”
«Death as theimpossibility of further possibility,” Julius repeated, «a
powerful thought. Maybe I`ll pastethat onmy mirror. Thanks, Philip. There`re so
many things to look at here, including your feelings, Pam, but first, one more
comment to you, Rebecca. This episode in Las Vegas must have happened while
you and I were meeting, and you never mentioned it to me. That tells me how
much shame you must have felt.»
Rebecca nodded. «Yep, I decided to deep–six the whole episode.» After
pausing and considering whether to say anything else, she added, «There`s more,
Julius. I was ashamed, but even more...this feels risky...I felt even more shame
when I fantasized about it afterward: it was a fantastic high—not a sexual high, no
that`s not right, notjust a sexual high, but the excitement of being outside the law,
of being primitive. And you know,” Rebecca turned toward Tony, «that`s always
been part of my attraction to you, Tony—your jail time, your bar fights, your
flaunting of the rules. But just now you went over the top; that stunt of pulling out
your money was offensive.»
Before Tony could reply, Stuart jumped in. «You`ve got a lot of guts,
Rebecca. I admire you. And you`ve liberated me to reveal something I`ve never
talked about—not with Julius or my previous shrink, not with anyone.» He
hesitated, looked in the eyes of each member. «Just checking out the safety factor
here. This is high–risk stuff. I feel safe with everyone here with the exception of
you, Philip, because I don`t know you well yet. I`m sure Julius has talked to you
about group confidentiality?»
Silence.
«Philip, your silence jams me up. I`m asking you something,” said Stuart,
who turned and faced Philip more directly. «What`s going on? Why don`t you
answer?»
Philip looked up. «I didn`t know an answer was required.»
«I said I was sure that Julius told you about confidentiality, and then I
raised my voice at the end of the sentence. That connotes a question—right? And
also, didn`t the context about trust signify that I needed an answer from you?»
«I understand,” said Philip. «Yes, Julius told me about confidentiality, and,
yes, I made a commitment to honor all the group basic ground rules, including
confidentiality.»
«Good,” said Stuart. «You know, Philip, I`m beginning to change my
mind—I used to think of you as arrogant, but now I`m beginning to think that
you`re just not house–broken or people–broken. And that does not require an
answer—it`s optional.»
«Hey, Stuart—good!» said Tony, smirking. «You`re showing up, man. I
like it.»
Stuart nodded. «I didn`t mean that negatively, Philip, but I`ve got a story to
tell and I need to make sure it`s entirely safe here. So,” he took a deep breath,
«let`s go. About thirteen or fourteen years ago—it was when I was just finishing
my residency and was about to enter practice—I went to a pediatrics convention
in Jamaica. The purpose of such conventions is to keep up with the latest in
medical research, but you know many physicians go for other reasons: to look for
a practice opportunity or an academic job...or just to have a good time and get
laid. I struck out on all counts, and then, to make things worse, my plane back to
Miami was late and I missed my connection to California. I had to spend the night
in the airport hotel and was in a miserable mood.»
There was rapt attention from the group members—this was a new side of
Stuart.
«I checked into the hotel around eleven–thirty at night, took the elevator up
to the seventh floor—funny how clear the details are—and was walking down a
long silent corridor to my room when suddenly a door opened and a distraught,
disheveled woman in a nightgown stepped out into the hallway—attractive, great
body, about ten or fifteen years older than me. She grabbed my arm—her breath
reeked of alcohol—and asked whether I had just seen anyone in the hall.
«вЂNo one, why?` I answered. Then she told me a long, rambling story about
a delivery man who had just swindled her out of six thousand dollars. I suggested
she call the front desk or the police, but she seemed strangely uninterested in
taking any action. Then she motioned me to come into her room. We talked, and I
tried to calm her about her belief—obviously a delusion—that she had been
robbed. One thing led to another, and we soon ended up in bed. I asked several
times whether she wanted me there, whether she wanted me to make love to her.
She did, and we did, and an hour or two later while she was sleeping I went to my
room, got a few hours` sleep, and caught an early morning flight. Just before I got
on the plane I made an anonymous phone call to the hotel telling them that they
had a guest in room seven–twelve who might need medical attention.»
After a few moments of silence, Stuart added, «That`s it.»
«That`sit? ” asked Tony. «A well–soused, good–looking broad invites you
into her hotel room, and you give her what she`s asking for? Man, no way I`d pass
that up.»
«No, that`s notit !» said Stuart. «Itis that I was a physician and someone
sick, someone probably with incipient or full–blown alcoholic hallucinosis,
crossed my path, and I end up screwing her. That`s a violation of the Hippocratic
oath, a grievous offense, and I`ve never forgiven myself for it. I can`t let go of
that evening—it`s seared into my mind.»
«You`re too hard on yourself, Stuart,” said Bonnie. «This woman`s lonely,
in her cups, steps out in the hallway, sees an attractive younger man, and invites
him into her bed. She got just what she wanted, maybe what she needed. Probably
you did her a world of good. She probably considers that a lucky night.»
Others—Gill, Rebecca, Pam—were poised to speak, but Stuart preempted
them: «I appreciate what you guys are saying—I can`t tell you how many times
I`ve said similar things to myself—but I`m really, truly, not asking for
reassurance. What I wanted to do is just tell you about it, take this sordid act out
of so many years of darkness and into the light—that`s enough.»
Bonnie responded, «That`s good. It`s good you told us, Stuart, but this ties
in with something we`ve talked about before: your reluctance to accept help from
us. You`re terrific about giving help, not so good at letting us help you.»